Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Aisha... Haiisshha, what to review?!

Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to mar any person’s dignity or self esteem (if they so possess), dead or alive. Its just a piss take and please take it in the best of the spirits. Please don’t sue me. I am not rich, I cant even afford to buy Lifestyle stuffs when there is no Sale, forget Elles, Vogues, and Chanels!


“ Hum Kapoor hai. Hum zyada sochte nahi. We believe in action ”... This dialogue alone from the movie Aisha could win it an OSCAR. The producers Anil Kapoor n Rhea Kapoor and the * of the movie, Sonam Kapoor so relate to this dialogue that they had to put it there! And this speaks of their truthfulness... I salute them all.
Its always fun to take the piss out of movies which make you realise how "pissed off" you were for about two hours in your life that you’ll never get back. And so here I am, spending more than 2 hours to get this post done. I am spending so much of time, not because I have so many things to talk about this movie. Its just the lack of it which is taking so much of time you see... Ok, I give up...this is probably the first movie out of 35,734 movies I have watched so far that has me "speechless"...rather "wordless" as I try to review it. So I will let the characters of the movie speak for themselves.

Aisha

Hiya evry1!!! I am like totally awesome chick.

I like to spend my rich Dad’s hard-earned cash for a living and have nicknamed it ‘Event Management’ (in the movie) and "Acting" (in real life). How cool!

I know everything about "fashion" and nothing about "acting". Thats so cool. I strongly believe in Romance and that I will never grow old. So every body around me who is not 20+ is an "old fossil" for me.

I love Polo matches even though I dont understand them. . The reason I love Polo is because its totally upmarket and I wear designer outfits in Polo match as well as ARC. If you dont know what ARC is, please dont ask...apply to me if you wanna be my "new" project and I shall train you on all these...n wont even charge money! Since my films dont sale, I have stopped charging for them. Anyways, these days my films are produced by my dad or his friends, n directed by my friends. So, its all in the family, u see :-).

I love animals... they taste too delicious! Dont get me wrong I care for them. I feed dogs@ARC and love having Tandoori Pomfret!

I love doing "social work" so am always seen @social dos... Page 3 parties... nature camps...et al. Actually am having a hangover from that party I had last night. Hence the glasses. Also, I can’t remember which movie I am in right now. Is this ‘I Hate Luv Stories’?

Also, I so love sobbing whilst I watch that Kajol-SRK dancing in the rain scene from K2H2. That movie is my Bible. I asked Punit to copy many things from that movie and I pledge to copy something or the other from K2H2 in all my movies in the future (depends on how many of them I will have actually)

No one steals the thunder of the superbitch, that’s me!!!! Banungi main.. Bitchwanti!!!

Else, I’ll end up making this meaningless piece of shit into a undigestable vomit. After all its Kapoor's show all the way.
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Pinky Bose

Hi!!! I am Pinky Bose, the first from d right...no sorry, left... i mean your right and my left...oh am so confused! where is Aisha???

Together with Aisha, we spread the all mighty shallowness of our lives through our devotion to the Elles, Vogues, Chanels and the likes.

We wear shades in the night (just kidding!).

Oh, I love Aisha so much that I’d get my face cloned like her.

I have this wide range of career options open in front of me... ranging from forecasting weather to being the editor of Elle. On a second thought, I may become Bollywood trade analyst...its much easier to forecast the fate of Sonam Kapoor movies than forecasting weather.

I spend all day long spending money on all kinda.. stuffs which I, nops sorry, Aisha likes!

I am desperately looking for a boyfriend and am so desperate that I am ready to hit on that Mithaiwalla Dude. He is a loser in any case and so he will be a perfect hit for me. Before Aisha starts looking for a jerk for me, I better fix one myself.
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Shefali

Myself Shefali from Haryana. I am the Behenji types.
I am like in the big city to find a Dulha for myself, and fall in love, Hay Rabba! am jee blushing!
Doesn’t matter how many times I fool myself falling in ‘love’ with so many men. Oh! I am so confused jee.
Thanks Aisha jee, for making me your project, and transforming me into that…
Here’s my Before and After transform pic. Now watch closely, coz this is going to be more interesting than anything else in this movie.
Before After

Some dude will definitely fall for me, hai naa!

P.S. All this was my evil plan, huaahahaa. All this while, when Aisha and everyone else would be busy dealing with all the superficial problems of their shallow lives, I will actually steal the show. Like totally!

So, officially, we are the I love Aisha fan club. Any moment now, we’ll start singing – Piya Piya O Piya Piya

Meanwhile, I’ll keep on stealing the thunder from all these bitches.

I’m gonna first fall for Randhir, oh jee am confused.. And then Dhruv, and then.. Arjun.

Ha! The slag from Haryana, that’s what they’ll call me.
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Whilst the girls were busy with themselves...the dudes were having serious identity crisis.

Arjun

I am Mr. Practical from Wharton and shit...I am an Investment Banker...no no, please dont blame me for the recession...it didnt happen for me. You see, I hardly work.

I am always to be found either snatching remote from Aisha, or having sandwich at all odd hours.

Even while in office I only chit chat with NY returned Amrita.

Between, she didnt return because of recession. Even though she has an american accent, she sings bhajan pretty well and looks fab hot in black bikini clad sari outfit.

You see all my education is only to ensure I am able to give life lessons to Aisha. I have to stop her from tyring to fabricate lovey dovey situations for all... she was almost hooking me up with that Behanji!!!
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Dhruv (am sorry, couldnt find his pix on google, and am running out of time)

Man, what am I supposed to do. Asked Aisha if it was our first date... Asked Amrita if it was our first... mmmmuah...and before I could even get answers my new Momma fixed up my marriage!

Man, what am I supposed to do. Build some more body?? But whats the point...no matter how much body I make Arjud will punch me and I have to fall off... Have to obey the director, you see... Man wonder why I ever got this movie? I could have been a gym trainer instead!
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Am so tired going through all their comments on themselves, I have decided not to write any "review" at all...so bye all



Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Taxingtime - Interactive Tax Return Software...

Hello. Welcome to Taxingtime, your Interactive Tax Return Program. Do you feel like filing your taxes today?
Oh, I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's July 14. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit. Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.
Please don't cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college.
You're having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can't help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.
I hate lawyers too. But we're really veering off track. Do you have any other dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she's your only dependent.
I agree. The Government is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2009?
Wow! You're having a bad go of it. But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away.
Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just meant to be a joke. Too bad you din't get it right. I don't suppose you were able to stock anything away in stocks and shares?
I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about all these you know.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.
And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible.
You're absolutely right. I should have asked you how you're feeling. That was inconsiderate of me. But in my defense, we're really fighting the clock.
Okay, I apologize. Let's move on to your income taxes and real estate taxes.
Boy, they weren't kidding about Income taxes. But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund.
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? So tell me. Are there any good housing buys out there? One of my other users is looking for a home.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.
Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions.
I know you can't afford them, but list a couple grands in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
I know charity begins at home, but thats not what our Government believes in. So any such contribution towards the upliftment of your moral character will not get counted here, I am sorry.
Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Well, of course they canceled your policy. They always cancel your policy. But what I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?
Fine. Now why don't you surf google for sometime, so I can do some quick calculations.
I have good news. Not only don't you have any tax debt, but you're entitled to a 732/ INR refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2010tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.