Because You are a Woman

Because You are a Woman
You keep your pain inside
You smile when you want to cry
Your desires, You always hide.

You strive to be the best
You aspire to reach the top
Because You are a Woman
The world wants You to stop.

From the morning to night
Multi-tasks You perform
Because You are a woman
It's considered a norm.

So wet are your tears
That you shed at night
Because You are a woman
You don't share your plight.

With anxiety so high
And self-esteem too low
Because You are a Woman
You don't let it show.

Because You are a Woman
You know there is power within
To believe in yourself
To know that You shall win.

Because You are a woman
You open your wounded heart
TO spread warmth, love and care
Even if You fall apart.

Woman of your life

She smiles when in pain to relieve you of the angst;
She cries out of joy and happiness,
She is your strength despite being weak herself;
She is the force behind everything you face.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



As mother, she taught you the essence of life;
She fed you her dream and desire,
She stayed awake for nights, so that you could sleep well
She protected you from the harsh, glaring fire,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



Your little sister, grew big and understood your worries;
She fought with the world for your right,
She is filled with pride for every achievement of yours;
No matter what, she'll always be there at your sight.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



Your sweetheart dreams big for you, and reaches out to the stars;
Matching her steps with every step you take,
You get busy to make it big, and she waits patiently;
Letting everything of hers go, for your sake.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



She comforts you in distress, and soothes you when you're upset;
She provides you with her confidence, when you are low,
She keeps quiet and looks bright, even when she is down;
So that you dont get a nasty blow,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

She led her life as mother, sister, daughter and wife;
And you rewarded her with a Woman's Day, once a year,
But did you ever ask her when was the last time;
She lived like a woman, without any fear,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

Love her everyday, let her know that you're there;
Dont take her for granted for her unconditional love,
Make her feel special every moment, and just not once a year;
Because, you are all that she will ever have,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

Men will be men...

I accept I have led a very sheltered and protected existance. I accpet that I have never heard of the phrase "five second rule" until most men I know started using it as an excuse to eat any crumb, portion of edible treat that just dropped on the floor. Apparently most men, almost 99.99% of them believe that if you drop food on the floor and pick it up really really fast, then its absolutely safe to eat! They assume that the germs politely wait for five seconds, before they attach themselves to the goodies scattered on the floor. In fact, the belief is so widespread amongst them, that some scientists, who apparently didnt have anything better to do with their time, actually studied the issue. And yes, by the way, they concluded that the rule IS NOT valid.

By the way...did you really need me or those scientists to tell you that?! And I keep wondering how the scientists figured out this most difficult thing? I mean did they live on morsel off the ground for years as their experiment? Well, I dont know and neither am I interested to find that out. But I hope and pray, that all men I know and dont may stop eating food from the ground someday... but then, when will that day come?

Another great characteristic feature of men is that they are so very predictable in their roles as "HUSBAND". A man and a woman can agree almost on everything, but marry one of them, and the HUSBAND in him starts objecting everything that you do!...and that you dont! From temperature setting in AC to the remote control of the TV, they want to control it all. Irrespective of whether they have ever hold a cricket bat in their hand, or kicked a football in their life, they have to watch each and every match on the TV, more so when you have your serial coming up! Whats more, come weekend, and all they can think of is sprawling in front of that giant sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips. Some of the sports he watches, I never knew they existed and wonder whether the satellite has caught some alien channels from some distant planet!

Another thing I just love in them is their jokes which are so very predictable, that you almost know from the beginning when to laugh! And they love to joke about women driving. As if its some rare skill that only men are capable of doing. Like I have heard of this "woman" umpteen number of times from many men...she is the WOMAN who drives her car while SHE is doing her make up, and looking at herself in the rear mirror, holding a conversation over the phone, and sometimes even muching on an apple while driving! Multitasking at its best, HER only agenda in life is to hit the car before her. 99.99% of men have a dent on their cars caused by this mysterious WOMAN and she has been observed driving this recklessly in all the cities in India atleast. I heard people complaining and joking about her in Kolkata, in Delhi, in Bangalore and where not! For the greater interest of the entire human race, I think this WOMAN needs to be caught and her driving license should get cancelled at once. Whats more she should be given a lifetime ban on appliying make up and having apple.

And till the time we can nail her down, can we sincerely request our male friends to come up with some different jokes on the driving skill of women please?

In Distress? U need to de-stress...

Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? 9 out of 10 chances are that it is because of the MAN in your life (kids also, may be, but philosophically they are also because of that MAN). Well, no. I am not planning to stage a war here...all I am trying to advise here is that what needs to be done to de-stess so that you are not in distress...rather here is a guide on what NOT TO DO:

1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath... Wonder if that smell is gas as your husband has volunteered to make the lunch!

2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove, as you hear your husband shout passionaltely over a scored goal in the hall!!!

3. Resume the position. Resume breathing... Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling!

4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.

5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r...E.x.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels... which remind you of the new, sexy, 20 something secretary that your husband has newly appointed !!! which reminds you of hell... which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else!

6. Switch to ocean waves and return to floor. Wonder how many calories you've burned since you started to relax...wonder how many calories you had put on over dinner last night...wonder how Mrs. Sharma always keeps so fit despite hogging at all social dos... wonder why your husband was all praise for Mrs. Saxena the other day...stop!!!

7. Listen to the primal sounds of the sea. Imagine yourself one with the ocean, gently floating, bobbing, drifting away from your troubles, away from the shore, floating away from.... Oh my God you're drowning, you can't breathe, you hear chimes. Could you be dead? No. A Jehovah's Witness is at the door...wait for your husband to attend that door...he doesnt...you panick...why isnt he openning the door?...you run to the kitchen...he is not thre, food burning inside the oven... you check in the hall...ah there he is...sleeping on the couch with the TV on!!!

8. Take deep breath, attend the man at the door, ignore your snoring husband. Decide what you really need is some herbal tea and aromatherapy. You're all out, so you drive downtown to the nearesr Aroma Therapy Outlet!

9. Relish the shop's soothing ambiance -- crystals everywhere, scented candles and incense, the mellifluous sounds of sitar and flute. Take a slow, deep breath and cherish the knowledge that all is well with the world... Learn you're allergic to patchouli!!!

10. Fill cart with eucalyptus oil, semi-wild ginseng, organic rice cakes, anti-radiation shields, a do-it-yourself-acupuncture kit, and a copy of the best-selling "Bliss Is From Solitude, Stress Is From Men." !!!

11. On your way out, collide with a shopping cart piled high with meditation tapes. Exchange choice words with "mellow" New-Ager...supress your anger with more deep breaths!!!

12. Return home, hunt for matches, light lemon-scented candles, and start a Burt Goldman CD. Brew chamomile tea... Burn tongue with tea!

13. Peruse course catalogue from Holistic Vital Force Renewal and Emerging Spiritual Consciousness Learning and Humanistic Wellness Center...find food is not ready, husband still sleeping, kids crying of hunger...order food over phone...and concentrate on the perusal yet again!

14. Try to decide which course would be most helpful -- Awakening Your True Transformational Self Within Through Toenail Therapy and Micro-Cranial Stimulation? Self-Care, Self-Help, Self-Awareness, Self-Visualization And The Angelic I? Decide to enroll in The Tao Of Conga Drumming On The Far Side Of Ecstasy ... until you see the price!!!... gasp for fresh air...inhale the smoke let out by the burning cigerratte your husband is smoking after his lunch!!!

15. Conclude that what you really need is a mantra. Something like: NoooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooreNewAge... NoooooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooooooooooooreMennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...but you cant do without them, can you?!!!

Ladies n (Not so) Gentlemen...

Do men and women communicate differently at work? Yes, according to the proponents of "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" school of thought. In the corporate culture and in an organization where we spend more time in meetings (calls conferences) than the combined time spent in the loo, cafeteria, and smoking zones...I have found women mostly to be self-effacing and apologetic, whereas men are convincingly confident...even when they dont have the slightest idea of what they are talking about.

Before you rule me out as a nut feminist, consider this...a real life situation I expreinced in a call about a week back. It was a call chaired by my project manager(male)... its a different thing altogether that apart from scheduling the call he did nothing...some would say its his job to "delegate" jobs to others, to which I would say "no comments". Anyways, so the situation is...he called for the meeting (virtual as participants are spread across the globe)...he asked me to send him the probable agenda of "his" call which he copy-pasted and sent to all 30 minutes before the call (Delegation, if you may). Now, he and I are in the different location as well...and amongst innumerable worthless gifts we human beings have received from technology, like mobile phones, t.v remote (worthless if you have a husband at home) etc, one such gift used at offices is "instant messenger"... your constant enemy invading whatever little personal moments you have in the office. So here we were, all joining the call over phone...now the minimum I would expect from my project manager to do is have a attendees list ready - as he sent out the invitation he would know who all are joining, right? Wrong...because he is a MAN. Now the attendees were as follows (names changed to the extent possible):

Jeerav Kumar (Project Manager - Male)
Lifebeyonddreams (Me-female)
Mad-hobby (Female)
Mega (Female)
Brain Bloody Witch (Male)
Steep Macaroon (Male)
Lusan S Michael (Female)
Lead Burner

Now all these peole are known to each other, we work in a Global Project...

Now the call began...Jeerav initiated the call with attendence...everybody said their respective name and he reciprocated with a "Hi X, how r you doing?" in his desperately-trying-to-acquire-an-American accent. So far so good... Lusan introduced herself as "Hi this is Lusan S Michael"...to which our great Project Manager said... "Hi Michael, how r you doin' man?"... And this moment ladies and gentle men, I fell off my chair and did all I could to stop me from LOLF loud and clear through the call! How can a "female" voice be Michael? How can someone named "Michael" join our call when we dont have any member by that name. And Lusan, who is called Lue...how can "she" be "man"???!!! But then these obvious things didnot occur to our great project manager (may be he should have delegated the job of taking attendence to somebody else)

Communication differences can be especially pronounced during business meetings. Especially those mind-numbingly "important" meetings where a gaggle of men and women perch and/or slouch around a conference table and/or shout over the phone and discuss critical project issues like project scope, project budgets, project picnics, and football scores. And play BuzzwordBingo in a laudable effort to remain semiconscious.

Unfortunately, how far you move up the corporate ladder often depends on your conference table talk. Why? Because your boss doesn't have time to check out your work. (S)he's much too busy sleeping through meetings.

So you can see how important it is to learn to communicate like a ma... I mean ... boost your communication skills.

But help is at hand. Simply assess your abilities with this MCQ (Meeting Communication Quotient) Quiz:

1) When you have an important point to make you:
a. Jump in the instant somebody stops to breathe.
b. Politely wait until every male in the room has spoken ...including the CEO's cute three-year-old.
c. Wave a white flag in the air and hope someone notices.

2) When somebody uses an unfamiliar term you:
a. Figure if you don't understand it, it isn't important.
b. Hope someone else asks what the @#$%$#@$ the speaker is talking about.
c. Say, "I apologize for my stupidity, but would you please, if it isn't too much trouble, explain X?"

3) If you don't have any original ideas to contribute you:
a. Wait until you hear someone say something brilliant and rephrase it, pretending it's your own.
b. Sit quietly, absorbing what everyone else has to say.
c. Beg for forgiveness.

4) When someone's secretary asks for beverage orders you:
a. Request exactly what you want.
b. Say, "anything will be fine."
c. Head for the coffee machine.

5) If the CEO directly solicits your opinion you:
a. Say what you think he wants you to say.
b. Say what you think your boss wants you to say.
c. Look behind you to see who the CEO is speaking to.

All done with the quiz? Good. Now it's time to check your responses ... and to hire a communication coach if you answered "c" even once.
Whom should you hire? Any male can help settle ... I mean "improve" ... your score.

International Women's Day!

Its customary to wish all women on International Women's day. I have got many wishes from other women too...Happy International Women's Day with various inspiring, heart touching, "oh we are so great" kinda quotes. Didnt know how to react, so thought would blog about Women's Day and how I see it as.

Note: This post is dedicated to Chanakya for all his women bashing quotes. This post is also dedicated to modern day "Chanakyas" and MCPs in disguise...so called city bred, diplomatic, suave MCPs who pretend they "respect" women just like they repect their "mothers"!!!

Hi All "Chanakya"-led and "Chanakya" like men,

Like all other years I will not feel like raging a war against your tribe on International Women's day. Like all other years, I will not crib and frown on the "injustice" you have done to us over the centuries. Like all other years, I will not feel humiliated on the "insults" that you have done to women. Rather, this year, the woman in me plans to do something different. She feels the need to make peace with with, and give you credits where it is due. The woman in me feels its time I accept the things as they are...no point shouting for equality when I know WE are not equal. So this year round, on International Women's Day, I let all you men know that I admit and appreciate things that you all can really do much better than us.

1) I accept and admit with all my heart that we women can never beat you in "untidyness"!!! You guys are way ahead of us in this aspect. You have this amazing skill of "farting" with pride in public that we can never beat you at. I admit that cleaning your nose in public is an art that you have mastered and it will take us years to reach where you are (its a different thing altogether that we dont want to reach there ever). We can never claim to be "equal" in terms of being "lousy" and I, on behalf of all women declare you the WINNER in the category of "UNTIDY LOUSY BEAST". We women accept defeat with all our modesty.

2) The close second in the list is the "Art of bad Mouthing". We women have been trying to copy you getting "inspired" by your art of using abuses, left right and center. With a lot of hard work and dedication, we have been able to get somewhere closer to you when we are really pissed off or angry, but I must admit we have a long way to go before we reach the zenith you are at...its amazing how you greet each other with such decorative "Words of speech"!!! I often wonder if you are talking over the phone with your best friend or raging a war against the "Gang of Terrorist"! Its amazing to hear you use words like "mother..." "Sister..." to your best friends whose mother probably have cooked you many decent meals in the past! Also, I personally love the variety of such words that you guys possess control over, and improvisations are amazing!

3) Then ofcourse, how can I forget mentioning your "insensitiveness"... thats an attribute you are far far ahead of us. Women can never beat you in being "insenstivie" towards others feelings, others emotions and others dreams. You guys can singlehandedly manage being "insensitive" in all the departments of life. We can never even come close to you in this sphere. Your insensitivity, followed by your "huge" ego and decorated with your "Selfish" nature make you a much superior being than us...a class apart. How amazingly naturally it comes to you to take everything you get in this life, for granted. How convincingly you have "convinced" yourself that its "YOU" who deserve to get the best toys (over your sister) in your childhood, the best jobs (over other female contemporaries) when you grow up, and the "treaty" called marriage is so amazingly pro-men! Hats off to you men for pulling it off so amazingly! Women can never even dream of having secured for themselves such desirable treaties in life! We indeed have a long way to go.

4) You have mastered the art of "taking everything in life for granted" with such a master stroke. Over the centuries how have kept women supressed and now when women have started protesting bleekly, you actually attribute the increasing rate of divorce to the increasing rate of "intolerance" amongst women! Amazing insight...what you try to say is that divorce is on the rise, becasue WOMEN have become intolerant! Yeah, right, if only we accepted every injustice you did on us like your ancestors did on ours, we would have had lesser number of divorces! Amazingly, that you value "family" so much and are looking out for ways of reducing "divorces".

Well, the list can go on and on...starting from as petty stuff as your not washing your undergarments for days together! to as noble as your taking the woman in you life for granted, we are way behind you in all these and more. So on International Women's Day, I want to acknowledge all these and tell you, that we momen neither want nor can be like you. You are way ahead of us in things like above.

P.S: Heard, there is an International Men's Day as well... Don't know when, but wishing you all a Happy Men's Day full of drinks, abuses, dirty porns, stupid games, and chasing women with a draeam of enslaving them!...enjoy your life just the way you always do...after all what else can be expected from insensitive, selfish bunch of MEN!

Now, where have I read this before???

Before blogging about how I lost my mobile, let me mention this article that I came across in one of these women mags in the flight. The article was about "Spring: Clean your winter blues"...aha! Spring has ultimately arrived. Now Spring, in our part of the world is very short lived indeed, and so is the guilt of "not" cleaning up. Do you feel guilty yet, with the arrival of spring that is? If not, you apparently dont read women's magazines. Every Feb-Mar editions of these magazines are packed with "clean up and organize your life" articles. Stories with catchy titles like "Spring Into Action -- Tidy Up Your House". Or "Wash Away Winter Blues". In short what it means is ... Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We'll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum.

Personally, I'd rather love to read something on the line of... Why Clean In The First Place? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow. Alas, these women mags are just not my taste!

While reading the article trying to supress my yawn, I wondered why do magazines publish such articles? Because every spring zillions of women have the same response: Guilt. Guilt quickly followed by a spending spree on periodicals and cleaning supplies. They grab every magazine in the town and, in a fit of post-New Year's resolution fervor, vow to give a make-over to their homes in Twinkle Khanna style! But do these articles help? Hahahaha. Pardon me -- I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were serious. All these stories share one fatal flaw ... apart from the fact that they relate to boring housework. The problem is, they are all the same article. It's hard to believe, but true. While our film directors are expected to vary their offerinngs atleast slightly from one movie to another, authors specializing in the spring cleaning genre recycle the same 100 or so tips year after year after year!!! Injustice, I say!

Just a month ago archaeologists, who were excavating a cave somewhere in Europe, discovered a minute remnant of what they believe to be the world's first spring cleaning advise. The very few words they managed to unearth are as vital today as they were way back in those Era: "Hose down dinosaur dung." In fact, those exact words appeared in several magazines sold this very year. Sadly, though, the original author had a lousy lawyer and never got a penny in royalties. Moreover, Biblical historians are convinced that the Old Testament contained at least two chapters filled with spring cleaning counsel. Alas, only a small fragment remains today: "Slaughter Red Sea stains with..." If only we knew what came next.

Over the years women have dominated the spring cleaning literature, and men didnt get a slightest chance of breaking in. Now, feminists have something in their kitty to feel proud of. I have heard that even Shakespearre is said to have never recovered from the rejection of his "To Clean Or Not To Clean. That is the Question" syndromme. Out of sheer frustation he came up with "To Be Or Not To Be. That is the Question" edition. So you see, while Shakespeare was forced to explore other writing avenues, women's writing has always bloomed with the cleaning rites of spring. Who can forget Louisa May Alcott's charming novel which begins "Springtime won't be springtime without cleaning supplies."

Just once I would like to see a spring cleaning article in a men's magazine. Until I do, I refuse to let a magazine article induce me to scrub, mop, or sweep.

Housewives and Homemaker

In the 70s, our mothers were all "housewives" (not a hmemaker, since hat term not yet come in vogue then). They were busy caring for us toddlers, and take care of the household activities. They also used to host parties for their husbands' bosses and colleagues, not because they loved it all the times, but more because they had no choice. Their husbands would call them and declare, "my boss and 5 other people coming for dinner tonight"...not a request but more of a command, and the next thing you know the wives are busy planning, shopping, scrubbing, polishing, decorating, cooking, and stressing out. Naturally, none of this work is compensated in any way. At the end of the dinner party, the husband's boss turns to the housewife with a condescending smile and says, "This was really quite a spread that you put on. It's nice that you have something to keep you busy."!!!

If you are born in the 70s, you would have seen your mother be at her husband's beck and call for massive unpaid projects such as this. And you would become a feminist early on because, even as a little girl, you would be sick and tired of seeing your mother being regularly treated with an enormous lack of respect. And not only hosting parties, so many rituals our mothers were supposed to do just based on their gender. Now that I am a 34 year old married woman juggling my career and family, I wonder why one part of the society would always be the victim of "lack of respect". Now, a lack of respect is probably inevitable when a class has no money, no power, and no public voice. But our mothers...many of them have had a good educational background, came from respectable families but then why, just because they were women, even worse, housewives, they had to go through millions of big and small humiliations? So much so, that most of them probably didnt even think of them as humiliations? Women being taken for granted became inevitable in and around the 70s when they were simply doing something they had little choice in.

My personal observation is that the status of "housewives...homemakers" has improved with the rise of feminism in our country (note, am talking mostly about the educated, middle/upper middle class society). Even the relatively modern term "homemaker" evinces a recognition that women who cook and clean and sew and decorate and budget and care for children are more than just wives who stay at home. Today, homemakers are more powerful than ever before. They are more organized, more outspoken in the public sphere, and more likely to have educations and careers that make them less dependent on their husbands than in the past. They are less likely to be disregarded or excluded from the conversation or treated condescendingly if politics or other Important Subjects arise. They are less likely to be taken for granted since they have other options. So things are definitely getting better for women. I know of certain aunties who, despite having good education, could never have a career of her own as her husband was worried about the chilren's upbringing in the "absense of their mother at home". I know of an uncle who proudly states at each and every party that he attends that he has never let his wife work because he could always "afford" whatever furnitures his wife wanted to buy! (as if aunty would have worked only to buy furnitures)...

I am glad that I am born in an age where people dont raise eyebrow because I am a career woman (even if they do, it hardly matters as my family supports me thick and thin). Today homemakers are much more than housewives... they are like this juggler who balances everything with great ease. In todays age, there are planty of stay-at-home mothers for whom such a decision is entirely voluntary and not being forced upon. All I am trying to emphasize on, here, is that the furtherance of women's equality in all spheres of life will help to make homemaking a truly voluntary choice and will thereby also raise the status of all women. And this has happened to a great extent, thanks to the rise of feminism. After all feminism is not any extremist operation. It is just a way of socially upgrading the status of women and helping them realize their true value and potential.

Womanhood is a celebration...so celebrate it. Embrace it with love and dignity... and stop taking things which your heart doesnt allow you to. Break free... Homemaker or a career woman...it is and should be "your choice" and not imposed on you by any third person singular number!

I want to grow old with you

This is one phrase i have read in many M&B books and even otherwise. I always found it very romantic. If some is still not sure about what I am saying here, well its kind of a marriage proposal... it goes on like this - I love you, I want to marry you, I wanna have kinds with you, I want to grow old with you...will u marry me? And then the girls gives a million dollar answer - Yes! (well a million-dollar answer I say bcos after that the guy ends up spending all his million dollars he has on her for the rest of their live, until death or divorce do them apart) But thats not the main point here. The main point is that phrase - I want to grow old with you.

Why all of a sudden am talking about this? Well simply because being in Vienna at the moment I am getting an opportunity to see a lot of elderly couples these days. They make a sweet pair. They are on their vacation, mostly alone, and they seem to be enjoying each others' company thoroughly. I get to meet them every day during the breakfast in the hotel. I particularly like them... because they hve indeed grown old with each other but are not bored of each other - something that I see in the elderly couples of our country, and that includes my parents, my in-laws as well. Are they not in love? Am sure they are, but they surely are not as expressive as these people from the otherside of the world are.

They hold hands and walk together - I have never seen my parents walking side by side, forget holding hands. Men in our country prefer walking atleast 100 miles ahead of their female counterparts! Check out on your parents, on your uncle-aunts, am sure you will notice this trend without any exception (and incase you do find any exception, please let me know - I would love to meet such a lovely couple in our country as well!) They sit together and have breakfast - our mothers have this tendency of feeding their "husbands" first! and the husbands also are too happy to have the meal before their wives! These elderly couples are enjoying theri lives...hassle free, tension free, roaming around the world. But look at our parents - can they even think of going for a vacation - only the two of them, leaving us behind? Oh am sure the mothers will dies at the thought of leaving their grown up kids, and the fathers will faint at the thought of being alone with their wives for 7-10 days! When circumstance forces them to travel together (and believe me, its mostly emergency not a vacation - like they going to their son or daughter's place who stay in a different city/country) - they travel as if they are absolute strangers!!! or enemies bonded together. The day I was travelling to Vienna from Kolkata, I met an aunty in the bus towrds the air-craft, who, according to herself was travelling with her husband to UK where her son stays, but believe me I couldnot even trace the uncle - Aunty was busy toking to me, she was excited as it was her first time, and when I asked her, "Are you traveeling alone", she said, "Na na, tomar kaku o ache amar shonge" - this is another amazing thing about our mothers and aunts - they will die but not call their husbands by their names! My mother wanted to pass this on to me, I had very politely(my version of politeness) refused! Anyways, coming back to this aunty, when she told me that "my kaku" was also there, I strated looking for him, then she said , "ei ekhanei kothao hobe"!

I see my father-in-law always shouting at my mother-in-law or scolding her when they are travelling together - as if she just cannot do anything right!

I love my India, but these are the things that disturbs me - we dont know how to respect another human being, more so if that human being is our better half! This is in our blood. We love to shout at each other. In the western part, they may have more divorces...but if they are together, they are in love. And if they are in love, and while they are in love, they treat each other well.

I learnt from this elderly couples, what it is like to grow old together gracefully and lovingly...not like growing old together because we have no options. In India coupls are like that...they are together because they have no options...are they still in love? They might like to ask this question to themselves.

Coming back to elderly couples, well, I like them immensely in this part of the world. They are indeed growing old together... God bless them.

And as I sit in my hotel room, all alone, writing this...I wonder silently... Will I really grow old with him...together? like these people out here...or will my mother be successful in passing on the heir... i wonder will i hold his hand when am walking on the road, or will he be miles ahead of me... i wonder will we call each other sweetheart and darling... or will we even not bother to call each other...

The more I wonder, the more Doris Day takes over me...Que Serra Serra...

International Women's Day

Hmm... International Women's Day... and boy! (sorry, girl) some celebration it was, and still is. Radio, Television, Newspaper, Net, Shopping Malls, you name it, and they all have something or the other to offer you on International Women's Day...one day in a year is Your Day, woman, so go out and celebrate.

Every celebrity is writing about this day, and their feeling associated with womanhood... from Shobhaa De' to Nita Ambani to some hottie of the Bollywood Industry named Amrita Rao...they all had to contribute their views on the Sunday Times on Womanhood... so I thought, why not me? - in my own world, am a celebrity, and in my own blog, am free to express my feelings on being a woman... so here it goes... Na, dont get me wrong, my post is not about the "political" or "social" or "economical" or "blah-blah" side of Women's Day. Rather it is about those intense girlie moments, those total feminine zones that no one, no one can take away from us.

Though I studied in co-ed school and college and university, and right from my kindergarten days till the work atmosphere am in, I have had the privilege of interacting with boys, cool dudes and gentlemen, but if I lived my life all over again, one thing that will not change is that I love spending time with women. Yes, I love spending all my time with women, and stop any imagination, I am totally straight. But this is about happiness, that feeling of absolute joy and completion I know, this is the deep stuff. Recently, I was contemplating over what makes me happy and fortunately the answer was not ‘death by chocolate’ or jugs of good stout. I am happy when I am with my girlfriends. Wait, let me just elaborate this.

Let me define some of the happiest moments of my life. I was happy almost every day in Kolkata during my college days when Enasree and I started our everyday agenda together, draped in a similar kinda attire (yes, our dresses were almost similar, and even shoes!) we bunked classes, talked, giggled and talked again. God! We were happy, so, so happy. Happiness was spending time with our gang at Scottish on the backside stairs and each of us talking at the same time, happiness was in our cacophony and those O! So British Wodehouse references or random connection between Tom Jones and Anil Kapoor, or maybe simply bitching about other "gangs" and "girls".

Hmm...happiness... Happiness was forcing Enasree to miss her train timing and then all the way walking with her to Bagbazar bus stop from where she would hail her bus and i would see her off. Happiness was going out for shopping in the New Market with minimum possible fund available in our pockets - now thats what i really call "window shopping". Happiness was going for those "A" rated english movies and giggling and blushing continuously while we were watching them. Happiness was "chasing" guys! (yes, we also had our share of fun, guys!). Happiness was both myself and Enasree having a crush on the same guy and both trying to woo him and laughing off together when "that guy" went to a third girl altogether :-). Happiness was our little birthday bashes. Happiness was that scary movie I watched with Mili clasping her hands. Happiness was those shopping sprees where there was no one to stop you from shopping as all was equally into it. Happiness was some bad piece of advise given to Sonia and then not even regretting it. Happiness was those long streched telephone calls with mothers shouting behind us. Happiness was those silly greetings cards, that purple bra which only she(name withheld) thought was hot, those useless tips on sex, those remedies for hair loss, those secret recipee', and ofcourse those unadulterated gossips!

They say you are happy when you are totally focused in the present, that moment of inexplicable bliss when your mind is not regretting the past or is worried about future. Every time I am with women, I am in that state of bliss (and yes, I am aware how this sounds!). Also, I have hardly met any woman (actually there are a few of them, but anyways) whom I don’t like. Somehow I find it super easy to like women. I agree that a major part of our life goes in obsessing about men, come on, humor me I am in this typical chick flick writer mood today. But somehow for every trouble, every sneeze, every little disarray we run to women.

So today, I celebrate International Women's day by remembering all my women friends, who at every point of time helped me by giving me immense pleasure and happiness, just by being with me. They actually helped me be thankful to God for being a woman... God bless them all and make their life desirable and self content in every possible way.

The Mistress

Yesterday I read and article called "The other Side Of Women" in The Sunday Times. Quite an interesting article on the so called "other women" or the "mistresses". Quite an interesting article for me, more so because this one echoed my viewpoints.

I have always wondered why the "other woman" is always looked down upon by our society. They are always made the villain of the piece - the home breaker and what not! As if the man had been either forcefully dragged into the reltationship (people call it extra marital affair/infidelity and what not!) or hypnotised into it. I mean, please grow up! How long will our society behave in such an immatured way? No man is a kid. And I believe (at the cost of generalising the whole thing) that an extra marital affair is an effect of a broken home and not the other way round. So, first of all, we should stop blaming the "other woman". Secondly, I think it takes a lot of courage to live your life as the "other woman" in a relationship where there is no commitment, no security, and to top it all, no social acceptance!

Love is a strange thing, which, when happens changes your whole outlook. It does not fathom to any logic, any calculated move towards profit or loss. It just happens. And when it happens it gives you an entirely new meaning to your life. You see beauty in everything, you yourself become beautiful. Love brings in magic to your life... this is ofcourse one aspect of it. One that you find in M&Bs. But real life is quite different. The other women go through a lot. They love a married man with all their heart. They know their relationship has no social acceptance, no future, no security... so they live in the very moment. May be thats why they can give their man, and that he wants and even more. They value each and every moment they spend with their man, probably without being demanding, without expecting much.

Men on the other hand, have nothing to lose. They get the best of the both worlds. They have security in the form of their family, and they have the mistress who can give them much more their wives can - whats more, mistress wont demand as much as the wife; with mistress their is no responsibility attached, there is no commitment to keep...

So, next time we comment on the other women, we should think twice. After all its not an easy thing to do - to love someone unconditionally without expecting a future out of it... dont know why, but i always feel for the "other woman"...

Bollywood Women I love

Only a few days back, i was pondering about why in Hindi Film Industry we dont have many women-centric movies, and the ones we have show women mostly as prostitutes. One thought lead me to another and soon I had this array of thoughts about women in Hindi movies.

We can go on and on over the stereotypes of women in Indian cinema. Now that’s an easy thing to do, I thought why not try to work on something fresh. Women that don’t confine to socially set patterns; and surprisingly I found a huge array of films both parallel and commercial movies that have unusual heroines and these movies did enjoy commercial success. This ofcourse was initiated by Pakeezah, but nevertheless am glad that I thought about this.

Let me begin with what I see as stereotypes -

Women with strong sexual morals ,the wife, mother, sister and the good girlfriend.

Loose morals, very easy, think of Bindu, Helen you got it.The crafty women. This group is headed by the wicked mother in laws, sisters, bad friends etc. Lalita Pawar, Sashikala etc. lead this group.

Strong women. These women always fight against injustice, stand up for their rights but please note they normally do it for their husbands, brothers, fathers and are extremely virtuous in every respect. They may resort to violence and slaughter the villains but there is always the ‘Shakti’ theme behind it. It is disturbingly religious, I mean women behaving like that do need the religious back up. Think of movies like Phool Bane Angaray, Pratighaat, Mrityudand… see what I mean.

The sacrificing ones, there are plenty of movies that are about women of iron will. They go through all kinds of peril and emerge as a winner in the end. Personally these are the ones I genuinely dislike. I will not go in details but examples are Rajshri Brothers films, Saajan Bin Suhagan even Aradhana (no good can ever come out of sleeping with Rajesh Khanna) and so on.

What then do I mean by women who don’t confirm to patterns? My women are not unrealistically strong but are normal women who show genuine courage and strength. Not glorified symbols of virtue but a normal woman. Do Hindi films ever show women like that? Surprisingly the answer is yes, not many but quite a few. I am giving you my top choices to illustrate the point.

Arth, both the women are actually normal, in fact Smita has absolutely no qualms about sleeping with a married man and her eventual psychotic disorder is also excellently portrayed. Shabana is the strong one, and what she does to Kulbhushan in the end is exactly how any normal woman with some self respect will behave. Arth was a huge success. In case you haven’t watched it do so, it’s a great movie.

Aandhi, Suchitra Sen doesn’t go back even though she realizes that she loves her husband. It is an exceptional movie about a politician’s career and her failed marriage that can never be restored. But it’s Gulzar and he is simply incapable of disappointing.

Anahat, it’s in Marathi but I have to include it. It’s my topmost choice. Based on the ancient Indian system of niyoga, the theme is simple, extremely well made. I will always be thankful to Amol Palekar for making a movie like this.

Astitva, that’s why I simply love Tabu. The heroine Aditi (isn’t that wonderful!) is the most traditional wife who finally speaks her mind out and decides to make her life better.

Bandini, to most people it seemed like endless suffering of an innocent girl. But remember Nutan kills Ashok Kumar’s wife and goes to him in the end. True he was her lover and circumstances forced their relation to end, but how many heroines kill the wife?

Chandni Bar, Tabu is a bar dancer who can’t escape circumstances. But this is one very unusual strong woman and an excellent movie.

Damini, the maid’s rape was no business of Meenakshi, yet she fought for her and even went against her family and husband. It’s actually one of my favorite films. Damini inspires me. The heroine is truly strong and fights without being the goddess. It’s probably one of the best movies with a woman in the lead role.

Doosra Admi, Yash Chopra surprisingly brings some normal women in his abnormal movies. Actually let’s not be mean, he made few really bad films but some of them are very good. In this movie Rakhi wrecks a young couple’s life because she sees her dead lover’s image in the young man. Sashi plays her dead lover and Rishi is the young man.

Fire, for it has lesbian relationship in it. And it potrays accoss the silent revolution of two unwanted women. I may or may not approve the way they take, but this movie is special for me simply because they donot fathom to supression.

Guide, Dev Anand is a very special person. Of course because of his looks and for bringing in some most unconventional feminine as well as masculine images to Hindi cinema. We now know him as the biggest crazy guy in Bollywood but he brought in some major changes. I had read the book Guide and I have to admit the movie is better. Waheeda leaves her husband, not because he is abusive or evil, simply because she falls in love with the guide and wants a better life than stifling in her loveless marriage. She pursues her career and when she falls out of love again she makes it clear. Rosie (that’s Waheeda) is one of the best heroines we ever had. And the character is so real - not deviod of any faults, but strong since she has the guts to follow her heart.

Hu Tu Tu, Gulzar again. Tabu’s a spoilt brat who eventually becomes an activist. It’s not one of the best films of Gulzar, but the two women characters are remarkable. Suhashini Mulay plays Tabu’s mother and does something human and natural, sleeps with her mentor to rise to power. Tabu on the other hand gets pregnant by Sunil Shetty but never thinks of marrying him because she knows marriage as such is only a social stupidity and love is what counts.

Hum Tum, though definitely inspired by ‘When Harry met Sally’ the film had very little in common with the English one. It’s a rather refreshing movie. Rani does two great things, sleeps before marriage and is willing to plunge in a normal life after becoming a widow. These two most normal things are so no no in Hindi movies that a normal woman was a welcome change.

Insaf Ka Tarazu, Another favorite of mine. If you haven’t watched it, please do so. Zeenat Aman is a model who loses her rape case because a model is ‘loose’ anyway. Male chauvinism is at its peak in this movie.

Ijazat, Two very unusual women, Rekha leaves the husband who cheats on her, Anuradha Patel the woman who refuses to marry and prefers live in. Only and only Gulzar could make a movie so touching and honest. The best part of the movie is the clarity and honesty of every character.

Kya Kehna, pregnant Preity Zinta keeps her baby. An out and out hopeless movie but has something different, specially when she doesn’t marry the biological dad. The only tragedy here is she chooses Chandrachoor over Saif!

Lamhe, a very soapy romance, yet the heroine (Sridevi) marries someone who was in love with her mother. This is definitely not conventional.

Mirch Masala, Ketan Mehta made some outstanding movies but went nuts afterwards like Mahesh Bhatt. It’s painful to think a guy who made Bhav ni Bhavai, also made Oh Darling yeh hai India and Maya Memsaab. But this masterpiece is about few unusual women who find the most unique way to avenge the villain. Please see it if you haven’t it’s the best movie on women empowerment.

Mandi, the fight of prostitutes against the moral police. This is Shaym Benegal, so you can’t go wrong.

Mammo, another Shaym Benegal movie about two sisters. Farida Jalal we all know is a great actress but this is her best, believe me. Also the way it explores Indo Pak relation is outstanding.

Paheli, the traditional village bride Rani chooses a ghost over her useless husband. It’s a fantastic, erudite movie. I love the folk flavor that’s in it. The puppets, the narrative style, the language and of course Shah Rukh’s in it.

Pinjar, what a beautiful movie. It’s that side of partition that was rarely shown. Urmila is great in it and I remember crying for weeks after watching it.

Satta, Raveena is forced into politics but once she is in it, she does it well. Not a great movie but yes an unusual woman there.

Samay, yes copied from seven, every bit but did you ever think Brad Pitt would be played by Sushmita Sen? Not only that she is a comfortable single mother.

Suraj ka Satvaan Ghoda, I have read the book too. A masterpiece, and each woman is so unique in their way particularly Jamuma, played by Rajeshwari.

Thoda sa Roomani ho Jaaye, I have innumerable reasons to love Amol Palekar. This movie questions the very masculine essence of feminity. I have watched it at least 50 times and can go on another 50 times. Anita Kanwar is in her 30’s unmarried and is naturally scorned by the so called ‘women’.

Zubeidaa, Benegal again and based on a true story. But I love stories about women who don’t confirm to patterns.

There are few more movies, I am not going into the details of but have unusual women.Razia Sultan, Pakheezah, Umrao Jaan, Lajja, Dayra, Sardari Begum and Saathiya.

Bending Gender Abuses

So why is it that so many downright awful swear words and abuses/gaalis have gendered undertones..and often overtones? Why is there a gender bias even in absolute unimportant issues like abuses? Say for example...

son of a bitch - You're abusing the son...but then, why you need to go through his mother? why? whats the point??

Mother and Sisterfucker. again..the latter f-person is being attacked..with his mother and sister being invoked in the bargain. hmm. I wonder why?

Is it because women are the symbolic capital of the stereotypical family and attacking them gets through to the whole clan? Or is it because women have always been considered as private property of men, and not any individual identity at all! If Yudhishthir can decide to put Draupadi on "daao" in his game, as as he did with his kingdom and other porperties... then probably it is only justified that we abuse the mother or the sister of the person we want to abuse!

Then again, there are various swear words that refer to male and female genitalia. Does reducing someone/referring to them by their sex organs go to the very core of who they are? I would hope not because surely there is more to us than procreation and sex...however important those may be...so whats the deal with dick/head and cunt and arsehole?

Hmm..points to ponder. Any thoughts?

An Open Letter from a Male Project Manager to Women reportees in IT

This letter was originally intercepted by undercover agents employed by the Pointy Haired IT Manager Committee For The Maintenance Of Status Quo and destroyed before it could be made public. But they left a proverbial copy at the printer. And in this post, I present that to you.

The author of this letter is a long time IT project manager and is said to have been fired from his job for suddenly contracting a Jim-Carrey-in-Liar-Liar-type disease.

Hello IT Leddies,
I must first introduce myself. I have been in IT for 8 years now. Why, you ask?

Reason#1

In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Pay-n-Effort, IT employee comes to a close second position, the first one being occupied by "Idle person with inherited money".

Reason#2

In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Skills Required-n-Career Growth, IT employee gets the first position, even beating "Idle person with inherited money".

That's why!!!

Anyways, but this letter is about something else. This is a Thank-you letter. In gratitude to all of you. As a Project Manager, I owe a large part of my career growth to all of you. One might even say that it came at your cost. I am indebted to you for letting me get away with a very subtle, hard-to-detect and practically ineradicable form of male chauvinism despite working in an industry that pats itself on its back for being more women-friendly than any other industry.

On an average, IT firms in India tend to have between 30-40% women on their rolls. So cumulatively, you are a pretty large group. But if we just take a count of the number of women who are Vice-presidents and above, it’s a ridiculously small number. So even if I was not a visiting professor at the Maximegalion Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious (MISPWOSO), one of you could still look at these figures and say “Hey. C Here. Something is rotten in the state of Java”. But you don’t. He he. And I want to Thank-you for that.

Managing IT projects is hard enough, but not without these “guidelines” to “effectively” manage projects to make my life “easier”. These have been handed down to me by IT managers of previous generations.

• If you are a girl, you can be put in testing or quality assurance. Guys will generally decline or threaten to quit if offered these positions. So when you need to find 100 people (by the proverbial EOD) to do testing, QA, DB administration and configuration management (all considered by guys to be dead-end jobs), it is so easy to sweet talk you into “how strategically important this is for you (company)”, herd you in, and start the billing. So thank-you.
• If you are a girl over 25 years old and single, I can coolly consider you a risk from a resource planning perspective because you could get hitched any time, and marriage usually tends to involve one of

1. Resignation, because your in-laws don’t like working girls.
2. You are likely to decline abroad opportunities because hey, i know since 99.99% chances are that, your husband is not going to quit his job to join you.
3. You are likely to become pregnant any time and therefore a potential 3 month billing-loss candidate as far as I am concerned.If your would-be works in another city, chances are, you will demand a transfer, and HR departments in IT companies hate transfers because their promotions and bonuses depend entirely on preventing them.

So I thank you for letting me simplify planning by letting me apply the rule - “Girls over 25 and single, keep them offshore in non-critical positions, preferably in QA, testing, DB/Server admin and configuration management”. My brain works much better when I don’t have to consider too many parameters. And I have you to thank for that.

Promotions are difficult things to handle, but you make that easy for me as well.

• I hardly ever need to worry about offering you “Architect” or "Consultant in implementation" positions, because

1. My boys club mates tell me that drawing boxes in powerpoint slides and writing a bunch of lies in concise bullet points is not something girls can do well. Everybody in my peer Project Managers’ group tells me that men are better and more convincing liars and can coolly and calmly justify wrong decisions, something an architect or a consultant needs to do all the time.
2. In any case, you need to be about 28 or so before you become an architect, by which time, you are probably married and have kids and cannot make 1-month trips abroad or stay back in office till 1 am in the night, and therefore even if you are perfectly capable of being smart and productive in the 8 hours you work in a day, I don’t need to promote you. I thank you for letting me encourage a culture of “Work more, not work smart”. It’s simpler you know. Promote anybody who sends me emails at 1 am in the night.
3. Guys demand and fight for higher performance ratings and promotions like a pack of hyenas over a deer carcass. You generally do not. Therefore it saves me half the trouble. I take most of your promotions and hand them out to guys who couldn’t print “hello world” even with pencil and paper. I thank you for helping me meet my performance curve targets by allowing me to ignore most of you.
4. It is sooo easy to do performance appraisals for you girls ya. All I need to do is whip out my standard “You need to involve yourself in more value-adding activities outside of your project work” and give you a lesser rating than I would give the trained male chimps who code in my project. When I was young, I used to get psyched by all your crying and stuff. But with experience I have now learned that crying at performance review meetings is, in fact, a sign that you have accepted what has been conferred. So I thank for you for the clear and precise signal. Men are so tricky, you know. At performance review meetings, it’s hard for me to make out if they are planning to kill puppies post-meeting or strangle my neck, or both.
5. Your chances of becoming a project leader entirely hinge on how the men in your group will receive your promotion. If there are male peers in your group, you stand no chance, unless there are an equal number of opportunities. Promoting a girl when an (albeit less qualified) male peer is available could cause the guy to threaten to resign and therefore why risk that, eh? It keeps my HR manager happy when the men in my team are happy with their performance ratings and promotions. I thank you for letting me consider your promotion only when the men in your group are substantially younger to you.

Well. In short, I thank you for enabling the subtlety of this whole thing. Those of you who do grow in your careers, don’t think this is a problem, and the vast majority of you who don’t grow, also don’t have a problem, because you take the whole marriage-first-career-later thing in your stride. Good for you. And for me. He he. So in short, nobody will actually admit that there is a problem. It’s a perfect wedding between the established social system of male-centricity and professional project/career planning convenience, something that is likely to keep a lot of you out of Vice-president posts for years to come.

I am so lucky that none of you come and ask me why I make the resourcing and planning decisions I make. Because, you know, you can put me in a spot. You can refuse dead-end positions if you wish to. IT today has a serious manpower supply problem, and yet, you make it so easy by being all of the above and more. Every IT manager dreams about team members who are complete push overs. And most of you IT girls are like "our dreams come true" for us. You can’t get fired for being troublesome. Hell, you just can’t get fired nowadays. Companies are fighting hard to retain staff, and yet, you girls silently accept what you are given. Such a comfort for me ya.

The top companies in India have unholy profit margins. And you girls help in a big way. I can get away with taking most of your promotions and appraisal ratings and passing a part of them to the men. So the balance? That’s the grin you see on every shareholder’s face.

Thank You.

ps: Thank you very much.

pps: Thank you very very much.

Demonstrating Marriage

The personal is political, we hear from Feminist movements around the world. Until I got married, I never quite realized the truth of this statement. Until I got married, I was just a “person”. Sure, being a woman affected me in some specific gendered ways. Being a woman means that one has to hesitate to walk out alone on the street after 9 o’clock. Being a woman means that using public transport doesn’t just involve questions of time or cost. All of this is indeed personal. But, but, but. I still never realized fully to what extent very personal decisions would be affected, until I got married.
One of the things which really struck me after getting married, was being expected to wear sindoor and unnecessary ornaments in almost every part of my body, starting from neck, to ears, to hands. I mean, dressing up occassionally with jewelleries is ok, but why wear a thick, heavy chain that irritates my neck and serves no obvious function? Or the "chudiyaan" which makes you so uncomfortable while sleeping? The explanations are many. It ensures the long life of the husband (Sindoor and Mangalsutra) . It is ‘our custom’ and therefore should be followed. Society expects you to wear it. It ‘demonstrates’ that you are married.
Let’s take these one by one. It ensures the long life of the husband. To any sane, rational mind, of course, this will come across as pure rubbish. Does the husband’s life literally hang on a thread or some sindoor on your forhead? What about cultures that don’t have these concepts? Do their men all die untimely deaths? When we pose such questions, elders become defensive and start saying that “it’s all a question of belief!” Well, I certainly don’t believe. More importantly, what about the wife’s long life? Who is praying for that? To me, the Mangalsutra/Sindoor represents the highly unequal power play of traditional marriages, where it was really the husband’s life which mattered and the wife was seen as an adjunct.
Next, it is ‘our custom’ and therefore should be followed. What is a custom? What infact is Culture? I don’t see culture as something that is inherently valuable, for its own sake. Any culture is something that is formed over a long period of time, influenced by the needs of the people at the time. Once upon a time, our ancestors lived in caves. Surely they had their own needs, their own lifestyle, perhaps even their own music, dance, rituals. If Culture is unchangeable, then we should all still be dressed in bark and skin. The logical answer to this would be that cultures change since human beings themselves are dynamic and never content with any one state for long. Why then should we retain practices that have no meaning, simply because they claim to represent some ideal, ancient custom?
Quite often, it seems as though the burden of transmitting culture is to be borne purely by women. Many conservative colleges, for e.g. will not allow female students to wear western clothes, on the grounds that they wish to preserve ‘Indian culture’ and ‘decency’. It never occurs to them, that male students, and men in general, wear shirts and trousers, Western articles of clothing, as a default. Somehow, men’s clothing is seen as neutral, it is only women’s clothing that becomes a battleground. Is this because women are somehow seen as ‘belonging’ to society whereas men are free agents, representative only of themselves? Women must therefore conform to some standard, set by the ideal ‘Bharatiya Nari’, while men only need to think of their own convenience. (Note, I am not advocating wearing Indian or Western style clothes, just that it is ridiculous to imbue them with so much meaning)
Let’s get back to the last two reasons for wearing the Mangalsutra, or putting Sindoor etc. Society expects you to wear it and it ‘demonstrates’ that you are married. These are what really, really get my goat. The first of these is more easily dismissed - sure, society expects a lot of stuff, but an individual can choose to ignore them in many cases. The second one, in my opinion, really gets to the heart of the matter. Demonstrating that one is married. Why? So that other predatory males don’t pounce on you ? So that you have a badge identifying yourself as the property of your husband? This whole notion of demonstration makes me very uncomfortable. A woman is so much more than a wife. Even as she gets married, she continues to play many other roles. She continues to work, in many cases. She continues to pursue her interests. She continues to be a daughter, a sister, someone’s favourite aunt. None of those roles ask for badges. Even if we agree that this new bond with a life partner is ‘more’ special, it doesn’t make sense that it needs an announcement to the world at large. Your family and friends know that you’re married, right? As for safety, men who indulge in sexual harassment are not going to be deterred by a woman’s marital status. Nor should we need to crave protection on the grounds of being married. And if you think about it a little deeply, why is it really important to tag oneself as being attached? Don’t ‘you’ the individual deserve respect, irrespective of your marital status?
In the past, there was a notion that a man took charge of his wife. Women did not have an income of their own nor did they own property, for the most part. Economically, it made sense to pray for the long life of the husband, out of sheer selfishness, if not out of love! Today, (educated women atleast) we don’t ‘need’ our husbands to stay alive - we want them to stay alive because we love them, just as much as they want us to have a long and fulfilling life. Isn’t it then time to drop a highly one-sided affair, a relic of the past where women desperately ‘needed’ their men?
When I got married, I wasn’t bold enough to dispense with the rituals altogether. I could not bring myself to say, I am not a cow that you need to rope me in! I wish I had the courage to do that. Unfortunately, such a sacred aura is built up around the sindur and ornaments that it is difficult to stand up to the elders in the family and proclaim that it is rubbish. But yes, I believe its time we came up with a new marriage format that is Indian, yet more egalitarian.
Some of you may perhaps think, what is the harm in it? Even if it doesn’t confer any benefits, surely it doesn’t do any harm either? I actually believe that it does. To me, the mangalsutra/sindoor symbolizes all that is wrong with the way we view marriage in a woman’s life. Finding the right person and building a life together, are no doubt, wonderful things. But Marriage is not the ultimate aim of a woman’s life. It should not be accorded the importance it currently does. The Mangalsutra/Sindoor is the ultimate symbol of this supposedly ultimate goal of a woman’s life. This is why widows are denied the right to wear it. Just as it is a symbol of achievement as viewed for a woman traditionally, it is also a symbol of deprivation, in its absence. Marriage is not about demonstarting that you’ve joined a particular select club. A woman should not have to demonstrate how she has ‘changed’ after marriage. She continues to be the person she always was, and its educated, urban women like us who will need to bring about this change. Some people say, “it’s my choice”. Sure, but we need to think about the context in which our choices are made. I have only one rebuttal to the choice argument. Did your husband feel the need to “choose” a culturally relevant, symbol of marriage for himself? In all likelihood, no. (No, wedding rings mostly don’t apply in the Indian context). Like men’s clothing and so many other things, marriage is in a sense neutral for men - they continue to play the roles they did without any fanfare to introduce this additional role. I look at all these alovely ornaments and even Sindoor as accessories. Yes, I would love to wear them when am clad in traditional attires, say during some Puja, but definitely I would not wear them when am coming to office, wearing a formal suit, may be? And these should not be forced on any women, if they are wearing out of their own choice - free will - then no issues.

Marriage...

I will in no way deny that marriage is a legal, economic and dominant social institution, which provides a veritable treasure trove of rights, privileges and responsibilities and it is also a significant cultural symbol of sorts. I mean, why wouldn’t anybody want to marry? Surely, it is understandable that people would want to partake in it. But that is definitely not to say that it is without terrific flaws. For all the progressive ideals we frame in our minds as to the division of labor, the surname, work etc. and all the rosy ‘everything will be shared equally between both of us’ type plans, it never really happens, does it? Consciously, or unconsciously we fall back into the age old trap of performing duties which comply with heavily gendered roles and power differentials laid out for us by cultural and societal norms and practices.

And this brings me to,
Reason number 1: Marriage is terribly male-friendly.

It is. Internalized gender role-ing will tell me otherwise, but after a long and hard struggle with my inner demons, I’ve come to realize that marriage does in fact, overwhelmingly favor the guy. On the outset, it seems like we have entered into an age of elysian gender equality within marriage where men and women discuss equal sharing of duties and suchlike and stick to their plans, but that hardly is the case. Once things start sliding into gendered role and power differentials typifying the ‘traditional’ marriage, we tell ourselves that marriage is work, we tell ourselves to be realistic, we fit our brains around that power differential which heavily favors the male, and we settle.

Reason number 2: It is up to the women to make that choice to stay in the workforce or not.

Take childbirth, for instance. Irrespective of the job a woman is in, if there is a question of one spouse leaving his/her respective job to care for the child, most of the damn time, it is the woman who leaves her job. Childbirth just happens to be an extreme example. Take any circumstance which requires one spouse to leave her/his job. To no one’s surprise, it is the woman who usually forgoes her job. Now I do know that most women will say that it is their choice. But we have to look at the cultural relativism and the gendered power equations behind that choice, because most women will simply respond to an internalized gendering of power in such situations and call it their choice.
And yes, you can show me examples of stay-at-home dads’ who opt out of the workforce to take care of their kids. But the percentage of men who do actually opt out are abysmally low, no thanks to the power differential yet again, and the levels of ridicule such men face generally and in terms of them being called ‘henpecked’, ‘pussy whipped’ ‘husband to a ball-buster’ and so on, mostly by other men, extended family and even women, in some cases.

Reason number 3: The ‘wife and mother’ ideal.

Let me state on the outset that I have nothing against women who are good wives and mothers. I do have a problem however with the enormous pressure being ladled upon women, generation after generation to be the perfect wife and the mother, where both require a great deal of subservience on part of the woman, by societal and cultural standards.
A married woman is principally judged by how well she balances and performs her wifely and motherly duties, and there is little or no scope for anything related to her individuality. While in severe contrast, a married man is not judged by how he services his wife, but how best he establishes his individual hegemony in his household, how best he climbs up the ladder of success. Popular models of femininity, compliance and sexuality are built upon this unattainable ‘wife and mother’ ideal, over and over again and shoved down every women’s’ throats, lest they defy the norm and dare to act contrarily.
And I can’t take it anymore.

Reason number 4: The ol’ ball and chain.

Why is marriage supposedly the centre of a woman’s existence? Why isn’t it the centre of a man’s existence? But no, it never was, it never is, and it never will be. The wedding is always and forever will be a ‘bride’ thing, because it’s her day, a day when she gets to be the princess, a concept which I find, extremely problematic partly cause' all that the guy is expected to do, is show up. Because you see, when a guy is engaged to be married, he is perceived to have somehow lost his freedom (while actually I feel, its just the other way round!), that the life ahead of him is sure to be filled with drudgery and venal boredom in anticipation of you know, being tied down to the ol’ ball and chain.
And then there is the pukeworthy sleaziness of the bachelor party. Spending the rest of your life with a person who desperately celebrates his last day as a free man by entertaining himself with contorting naked women, should surely paint a very pathetic picture in your mind as to how your near-ambrosial future would be.

The journey from the Womb to the Tomb

I am an Indian woman. And I am extremely glad to be alive.

Ten million girls have been wiped out in the last two decades in India. Unbelievable? May be. But nevertheless, run the number in your head a few times and let it sink in. 10,000,000. One followed by seven zeroes! How I WISH this wasn't true. But unfortunately it is. So, I should be thanking my lucky stars for being alive, shouldn't I? Hence, the beginning statement...

I am an Indian woman. And I am extremely glad to be alive.

Time and again, I always felt that the only mistake I’ve committed in my life is being born a woman. Since I am a woman, I’m a liability, I will not carry on the bloodline of the family (whatever the hell that means), I will not support my poor ailing parents when they are in the throes of their second childhood, and I am extremely ‘expensive’ (for want of a better word) because my poor parents probably had to shell out excessive amounts of dowry for their cow...ooops... daughter, and come to think of it I'll be better off as a man innit'?

Probably, those of you who know me and my background would think my above statement as an exaggeration. Ofcourse, my parents and my family are nice folks and they do not subscribe to the boorish views like the ones I have mentioned above (And no, they didn't have to pay any dowry to marry me off, and neither my husband and his family claimed any). BUT, to the majority of Indian women, educated or otherwise, the above statement would not be an exaggeration!

So what do you do, if you are faced with the errr........ 'burden' of giving birth to a girl? Pshaw! What an elementary question! Well, get rid of her of course! Use technology (foeticide) to discreetly do the deed if you belong to middle class families, or if you're not so lucky, give birth to the girl and then feed poison (infanticide) to the newborn baby! The dastardly deed is done!

So now that we have established that foeticide- http://www.hinduonnet.com/fline/fl1912/19120420.htm and infanticide-http://www.gendercide.org/case_infanticide.html ALONE has contributed to ten million girls being obliterated, and the sex ratio has successfully fallen steadily from 962 women to every 1000 boys in 1981, to 927 girls to every 1000 boys in 2002; has the horribly skewed sex ratio helped in actually improving the abhorrent status of women in India?

The answer is a big, fat, NO. Yet again, unscrupulous men are making a mockery of this gender disparity by trading women around as if they were commodities. Women are possessions remember? Now, the ever enterprising vermins in Haryana, where female foeticide and infanticide have reached unmitigated heights, are making use of the gender dissimilitude to propagate a thriving business in "sexual brides", and yes, you heard me right. Women are in great demand as the sex ratio in some parts of Haryana are as deplorable as 493 girls for every 1000 boys, so it is self-evident that a single woman can be bought and sold MANY times.

Case in point:

The story of Tanu *name changed*. Belonging to a poor family (in Haryana), AND being fairly goodlooking was her downfall. She was sold for a paltry five thousand rupees at the age of 16 to a dubious looking middle aged swine, who 'promised' to marry her. To no ones surprise, he raped her repeatedly and sold her for twenty thusand rupees and patted himself on the back for making a good 'profit'. But Tanu's horrific travails did not end there. Oh no it didnt. She was taken to Rajasthan where she was 'shared' between three brothers, and when she overheard one of them talking about selling her off yet again, she grew desperate and fled. But how far could a fleeing girl travel alone with no money or possessions, in a place alien to her?Not very far, as the impotent beasts ganged up on her, raped her, and beat her senselessly until her body resembled a bloody mass of flesh and bones.

Numerous other cases of "sexual brides" have been reported, and some of these girls are no older than fifteen. Sadly, this trafficking has not diminished albeit the demand for brides has only increased; resulting in smuggling girls, living in abject poverty ridden conditions to seemingly richer states like Punjab or Haryana where the sex ratio is conspicuously skewed.

And now do you finally see how female foeticide and infanticide is directly linked to the appalling business of trafficking "sexual brides"? If you still feign ignorance, please go crawl back under the rock you slithered out from.

And YOU, yes you, can do something about female foeticide.

You can file a complaint here ( http://www.indiafemalefoeticide.org/complaints.asp) if you come across any horrific incidents; without turning a blind eye, or you can pledge your support ( http://www.indiafemalefoeticide.org/pledge.htm)

I wish with all my heart, that this relentless slaying, yes slaying, of girls will become a thing of the past . But I cant aspire for the stars, can I?

SITAYANA

If you still havent understood the nature of this post from the blatantly obvious title, I suggest you stop right now, and desist from reading this post any further.But then again its upto you, O' omnipotent reader.

Whenever I read Ramayana, the nuances in each character intrigues me, and Sita in particualr, piques my budding interest even further. Now Sita has forever been represented as an epitome of inhuman virtuousness, wasting away a lifetime of devotion and service to her husband, only to be publicly maligned and exiled by Rama in the name of 'the greater good'. The 'greater good' being a pathetic dhobi and his miserable wife, doing what poverty stricken people usually do to entertain themselves: indulge in malicious gossip (not that people from the higher echelons of society are seraphic angels, but I'm trying to drive a point here). So, their untoward remarks irked Rama to such an extent that he convinced himself that the whole kingdom of Ayodhya was talking about her, and seeds of dissent planted itself in his mind and he ludicrously decided to banish her while she was heavily pregnant with his children, to boot.

And note: Sita had to go through the 'Agnipariksha' right after returning from exile. The above-mentioned incident happened after Sita passed through the Agnipariksha unscathed and Rama and Sita had been ruling Ayodhya as king and queen for a while. So Rama constantly had bouts of extreme insecurity with respect to Sita's character.

So much for the 'ideal' man.

I may be digressing here, but if you wish to argue on the accuracy of the incidents mentioned above, please do so AFTER reading a legit translation of either Valmiki's Ramayana, or Ramcharitamanas by Swami Tulasidas and THEN try to dispute my statements.

Let us move on to a normal Indian woman's disposition. The model of an Indian woman was, and is based on the unrealistic and unrelenting virtuosity of Sita. While it is commendable that Sita is not represented as a wanton harlot, it is disheartening to note that Sita's character is solely derived from her devotion to Rama. Sita has absolutely no identity of her own. Here is a Verse from Valmiki's Ramayana which mirrors the above view:

"Hanuman, the loyal monkey ally of Rama says: For a woman the greatest decoration is her lord and Sita, though incomparably beautiful, no longer shines in Rama's absence."

Ahh, the seeds of patriarchy, I tell you.

Patriarchy has a way of using the Rama myth to build up the image of an 'ideal male', and unfortunately it has a way of focusing on Sita's devotion, and Sita's selflessness alone to project the image of an 'ideal female'. The common Indian woman is told to bear every preposterous action of her husband, because a 'good' Indian wife does not speak up, does not complain, her place is with her 'Lord'.

If she harbors thoughts of leaving him then she is 'fallen', and anyway an Indian woman has no personal identity, she belongs to her parents before marriage and she belongs to her husband and his family after marriage.If she is unhappy in her marriage, it becomes her cardinal duty to stay in the marriage, even more so, because she can 'prove' what a good wife she is. Thereby throwing her happiness out the window for the 'greater good' of staying with her wastrel of a husband.

And the most deplorable aspect of this is that, the women themselves do not leave their husbands for fear of being ostracised by the society. Divorce in most parts of India is considered a shameful admission of a woman's failure as a wife and daughter in law.

Food for thought: In a 1990 study, divorced women make up a miniscule 0.08% of the total female population in India. (I didnot get a recent figure, though I googled a lot)

Now doesn't this remind you of long suffering Sita? Patriarchy has cleverly pulled yarn over our eyes by glorifying Sita's suffering as exemplary, because of Rama being the perfect man, Sita must be blessed to bear with his 'occasional' transgression as well.

If patriarchy can use the character of Sita to suppress women, it can also be used more creatively to highlight the tribulations of women as a whole. Thereby focusing on the trails of Sita as a warning , instead of justifying her suffering.

I think women or anyone for that matter, should read a version of the Ramayana written by a WOMAN. Yes, I said 'woman', and yes it may sound blasphemous to you, but dont you know that most epics in the world are relative, told strictly from the eyes of the poet or the scribe?

Personally, I would have loved to have Draupadi as a role model, what with her agressiveness, her frank and beautiful friendship with Krishna and her five husbands. But I cant aspire for the stars can I?

I can fathom that Sita will forever remain a role model for the Indian woman, and my only plea is to look at her selfless sacrifice and wasted virtuousness as an injunction, not as an example to emulate.

As the blemishless Sita will forever be the vagabond, the stray waif, insecure, unvalued, and shunned.

And that is why as a mark of respect to the unsullied Sita, I think that the Ramayana should be re-christened as the Sitayana.

For it is only fair.