A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. But that's only theory. Relaity is quite different, which is why so many vacations go something like this:
(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense (though men always think we bicker over nonsense all the time). Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.
(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more ... leaving out the sleep part.
(3). Suddenly realize that next weekend you have three days off. Talk interminably about driving out of town. Take travel books out of library and actually open one. Savor the illusion of progress.
(4). Discuss destination options. Discuss taking off an extra day. Discuss who will watch children and/or pets. Notice three-day weekend has ended. Return overdue books ... unread.
(5). Repeat Step (1). In an unfamiliar flash of spontaneity, put sitter on standby and call random hotels. Hear clerks snicker when you ask for lodging sometime this century. Ask spouse if there's room in the budget for bribes.
(6). Conclude that every decent hotel within a weekend's drive is filled with conventioneers. Wonder if it's too late to join the Rotary, the Innerwheel, or the Save The Tigers Club.
(7). Briefly consider a roadway motel that features waterbeds, exotic dance, and "massage." Decide you're not quite that desperate ... yet.
(8). Miraculously manage to book something acceptable. Inform sitter and spouse. Revive spouse.
(9). Examine luggage. Search house for matching duct tape. Pack by cramming everything in sight until suitcase refuses to close. Have spouse sit on suitcase. Resume packing.
(10). Ask spouse to load car. Repeat request. Load car yourself and discover it's almost out of gas. Plan to yell at spouse ... until you realize you were the last to drive the car.
(11). Ask spouse to fill tank while you phone sitter for sixth time. For no reason other than sheer crankiness, argue with spouse about no-show sitter, lateness of hour, and other things neither of you is responsible for. Remember why you rarely take trips.
(12). Rejoice at sitter's arrival. Read sitter 10-page, typed instruction list that covers everything from emergency phone numbers to goldfish food. Review it with sitter while spouse paces. Review it again. Call hotel clerk to say you may be late.
(13). Spend five hours crawling in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Blame sitter, each other, the Industrial Revolution. Make up with spouse just in time to learn your reservation's been lost.
(14). Become hysterical. Attract a crowd. Threaten to picket. Check into room.
(15). Collapse onto bed without pausing to unpack. Contemplate luxury of pre-dinner nap as you leisurely leaf through hotel brochures. Notice hotel restaurant's about to close. Say goodbye to nap.
(16). Rush downstairs for romantic meal without changing or freshening up. Find out restaurant's under construction. It will resume serving four-star fare the day after you leave.
(17). Decide to drive to another restaurant and search parking garage for car. Realize, in a moment of stunned panic, that one hour ago you left car "temporarily" in front of hotel while checking in and forgot to move it. Spend the rest of weekend trying to retrieve towed car.
(18). Return home, unpack, and begin not planning your next vacation.
Showing posts with label Nonsense - Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nonsense - Funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Taxingtime - Interactive Tax Return Software...
Hello. Welcome to Taxingtime, your Interactive Tax Return Program. Do you feel like filing your taxes today?
Oh, I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's July 14. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit. Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.
Please don't cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college.
You're having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can't help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.
I hate lawyers too. But we're really veering off track. Do you have any other dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she's your only dependent.
I agree. The Government is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2009?
Wow! You're having a bad go of it. But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away.
Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just meant to be a joke. Too bad you din't get it right. I don't suppose you were able to stock anything away in stocks and shares?
I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about all these you know.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.
And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible.
You're absolutely right. I should have asked you how you're feeling. That was inconsiderate of me. But in my defense, we're really fighting the clock.
Okay, I apologize. Let's move on to your income taxes and real estate taxes.
Boy, they weren't kidding about Income taxes. But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund.
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? So tell me. Are there any good housing buys out there? One of my other users is looking for a home.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.
Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions.
I know you can't afford them, but list a couple grands in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
I know charity begins at home, but thats not what our Government believes in. So any such contribution towards the upliftment of your moral character will not get counted here, I am sorry.
Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Well, of course they canceled your policy. They always cancel your policy. But what I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?
Fine. Now why don't you surf google for sometime, so I can do some quick calculations.
I have good news. Not only don't you have any tax debt, but you're entitled to a 732/ INR refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2010tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.
Oh, I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's July 14. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit. Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.
Please don't cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college.
You're having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can't help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.
I hate lawyers too. But we're really veering off track. Do you have any other dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she's your only dependent.
I agree. The Government is unreasonable. But let's move on to income. What were your wages in 2009?
Wow! You're having a bad go of it. But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away.
Hey, don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just meant to be a joke. Too bad you din't get it right. I don't suppose you were able to stock anything away in stocks and shares?
I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They make me ask about all these you know.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.
And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible.
You're absolutely right. I should have asked you how you're feeling. That was inconsiderate of me. But in my defense, we're really fighting the clock.
Okay, I apologize. Let's move on to your income taxes and real estate taxes.
Boy, they weren't kidding about Income taxes. But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund.
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? So tell me. Are there any good housing buys out there? One of my other users is looking for a home.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.
Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions.
I know you can't afford them, but list a couple grands in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
I know charity begins at home, but thats not what our Government believes in. So any such contribution towards the upliftment of your moral character will not get counted here, I am sorry.
Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Well, of course they canceled your policy. They always cancel your policy. But what I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?
Fine. Now why don't you surf google for sometime, so I can do some quick calculations.
I have good news. Not only don't you have any tax debt, but you're entitled to a 732/ INR refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2010tax?
I beg your pardon. They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Root Canal... the name itself is scary!
God created man (and woman too). Then he created teeth. Then he created dentists and told them, "Go and wreck havoc on Earth. Create imaginary gum diseases, endorse tar-tasting toothpastes". The dentists obliged. They were happy for some time, then they got greedy. They all went back to God and said, "Dude, we cant seem to find enough problems. People are eating healthy, living a healthy lifestyle and their teeth are in perfect health n shape. Help us out!" Then God created... chocolates...and indulged people into bad eating habits... result?... Tooth decay...followed by... Root Canal treatment.
****
Scene I : Nov'2009
The dentist began talking even before he saw my x-ray.
Dentist: Your quadrilateral third molar is impacted. We need to extract it.
It took me sometime to realize that I HAD NOT accidentally walked into a car body shop.
Me: What does it mean?
Dentist: We need to remove one tooth of yours that is "in the process of decaying".
Me: If it hasn't decayed now, then why NOW?
Dentist: Because my wife is nagging for a cruise vacation for a long time now.
Me: Huh???
Dentist: I mean *medical mumbo-jumbo*...followed by more *medical mumbo-jumbo*... followed by Ramsay brothers' movies' scary dialogues...ultimately this "may decay in the next 25 years" tooth is doing obscene things to the next tooth in line.
Me: But, I dont feel any pain or am not uncomfortable at all.
Dentist: Thats why we need to remove this immediately (otherwise it may never cause a problem...and I would never be able to go on a cruise trip)
Me: But why extract?
Dentist: Because then I can charge you for tooth extraction, and further charge you more for tooth replacement. Am sure at 34 you would not want to have 31 teeth in place of 32?
Me: Huh???!!! :-((((((( Well, Mr. Dentist, please tell me if there is any other way to deal with this problem, otherwise let me take a second opinion and I shall come back to you later.
Dentist: (Oh no! If not cruise, I have to take my wife to Puri during the next Durga Puja. In anycase I am having burnt toast every morning for breakfast for the last 9 months!) Ok, what we can do is, we can go in for a Root Canal Treatment. We will not extract the entire tooth, but will fill it in with some un-used cement that I have from building that huge wall around my house to stop people from throwing brickts at me. And then we will cover it up with a crowning that will keep that tooth immortal till the day you die.
Me: Fine. How long will it take?
Dentist: (Calculating in his pocket calculator)...Not more than 5-6 sittings.
Me: Ok, fine.
****
Scene II : 27th July'2010
The rest they say is history. That 5-6 sittings ran almost 10 months long. Today I sit with half my face swollen like a football Messi kicked atleast 500 times!. My mouth 1 tooth lighter(technically yes, as Mr. Dentist dug out all my God given tooth and in its place now sits a cement lump) and my pocket, many thousands. The emotional turmoil I went through in the last 10 months is not worth mentioning in blogs...I can write an epic on that and will keep that task for retirement days. My friends ask me, whay am I not doing this root canal treatment for othet "in the process of decaying" teeth as well. Well to answer them... I dont know. My doctor didnt tell me to. May be the doctor is using my mouth like a little savings account. Other teeth will come in handy when his wife demands the next cruise, or a diamond necklace. He didnt give up though. Last night when I ssaid "Good bye Doctor"...all he replied was... no no, no Good bye...you are coming here next week as I need to drill some more teeth to save you from pain 20 years later.
Once beaten, twice shy. Once robbed of a tooth, twice as clever... I jus smiled and said to myslef...I wish your wife all the cruises she ever dreams of...but not at MY EXPENSE!!!
Friday, July 9, 2010
In Distress? U need to de-stress...
Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? 9 out of 10 chances are that it is because of the MAN in your life (kids also, may be, but philosophically they are also because of that MAN). Well, no. I am not planning to stage a war here...all I am trying to advise here is that what needs to be done to de-stess so that you are not in distress...rather here is a guide on what NOT TO DO:
1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath... Wonder if that smell is gas as your husband has volunteered to make the lunch!
2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove, as you hear your husband shout passionaltely over a scored goal in the hall!!!
3. Resume the position. Resume breathing... Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling!
4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.
5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r...E.x.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels... which remind you of the new, sexy, 20 something secretary that your husband has newly appointed !!! which reminds you of hell... which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else!
6. Switch to ocean waves and return to floor. Wonder how many calories you've burned since you started to relax...wonder how many calories you had put on over dinner last night...wonder how Mrs. Sharma always keeps so fit despite hogging at all social dos... wonder why your husband was all praise for Mrs. Saxena the other day...stop!!!
7. Listen to the primal sounds of the sea. Imagine yourself one with the ocean, gently floating, bobbing, drifting away from your troubles, away from the shore, floating away from.... Oh my God you're drowning, you can't breathe, you hear chimes. Could you be dead? No. A Jehovah's Witness is at the door...wait for your husband to attend that door...he doesnt...you panick...why isnt he openning the door?...you run to the kitchen...he is not thre, food burning inside the oven... you check in the hall...ah there he is...sleeping on the couch with the TV on!!!
8. Take deep breath, attend the man at the door, ignore your snoring husband. Decide what you really need is some herbal tea and aromatherapy. You're all out, so you drive downtown to the nearesr Aroma Therapy Outlet!
9. Relish the shop's soothing ambiance -- crystals everywhere, scented candles and incense, the mellifluous sounds of sitar and flute. Take a slow, deep breath and cherish the knowledge that all is well with the world... Learn you're allergic to patchouli!!!
10. Fill cart with eucalyptus oil, semi-wild ginseng, organic rice cakes, anti-radiation shields, a do-it-yourself-acupuncture kit, and a copy of the best-selling "Bliss Is From Solitude, Stress Is From Men." !!!
11. On your way out, collide with a shopping cart piled high with meditation tapes. Exchange choice words with "mellow" New-Ager...supress your anger with more deep breaths!!!
12. Return home, hunt for matches, light lemon-scented candles, and start a Burt Goldman CD. Brew chamomile tea... Burn tongue with tea!
13. Peruse course catalogue from Holistic Vital Force Renewal and Emerging Spiritual Consciousness Learning and Humanistic Wellness Center...find food is not ready, husband still sleeping, kids crying of hunger...order food over phone...and concentrate on the perusal yet again!
14. Try to decide which course would be most helpful -- Awakening Your True Transformational Self Within Through Toenail Therapy and Micro-Cranial Stimulation? Self-Care, Self-Help, Self-Awareness, Self-Visualization And The Angelic I? Decide to enroll in The Tao Of Conga Drumming On The Far Side Of Ecstasy ... until you see the price!!!... gasp for fresh air...inhale the smoke let out by the burning cigerratte your husband is smoking after his lunch!!!
15. Conclude that what you really need is a mantra. Something like: NoooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooreNewAge... NoooooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooooooooooooreMennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...but you cant do without them, can you?!!!
1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath... Wonder if that smell is gas as your husband has volunteered to make the lunch!
2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove, as you hear your husband shout passionaltely over a scored goal in the hall!!!
3. Resume the position. Resume breathing... Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling!
4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.
5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r...E.x.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels... which remind you of the new, sexy, 20 something secretary that your husband has newly appointed !!! which reminds you of hell... which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else!
6. Switch to ocean waves and return to floor. Wonder how many calories you've burned since you started to relax...wonder how many calories you had put on over dinner last night...wonder how Mrs. Sharma always keeps so fit despite hogging at all social dos... wonder why your husband was all praise for Mrs. Saxena the other day...stop!!!
7. Listen to the primal sounds of the sea. Imagine yourself one with the ocean, gently floating, bobbing, drifting away from your troubles, away from the shore, floating away from.... Oh my God you're drowning, you can't breathe, you hear chimes. Could you be dead? No. A Jehovah's Witness is at the door...wait for your husband to attend that door...he doesnt...you panick...why isnt he openning the door?...you run to the kitchen...he is not thre, food burning inside the oven... you check in the hall...ah there he is...sleeping on the couch with the TV on!!!
8. Take deep breath, attend the man at the door, ignore your snoring husband. Decide what you really need is some herbal tea and aromatherapy. You're all out, so you drive downtown to the nearesr Aroma Therapy Outlet!
9. Relish the shop's soothing ambiance -- crystals everywhere, scented candles and incense, the mellifluous sounds of sitar and flute. Take a slow, deep breath and cherish the knowledge that all is well with the world... Learn you're allergic to patchouli!!!
10. Fill cart with eucalyptus oil, semi-wild ginseng, organic rice cakes, anti-radiation shields, a do-it-yourself-acupuncture kit, and a copy of the best-selling "Bliss Is From Solitude, Stress Is From Men." !!!
11. On your way out, collide with a shopping cart piled high with meditation tapes. Exchange choice words with "mellow" New-Ager...supress your anger with more deep breaths!!!
12. Return home, hunt for matches, light lemon-scented candles, and start a Burt Goldman CD. Brew chamomile tea... Burn tongue with tea!
13. Peruse course catalogue from Holistic Vital Force Renewal and Emerging Spiritual Consciousness Learning and Humanistic Wellness Center...find food is not ready, husband still sleeping, kids crying of hunger...order food over phone...and concentrate on the perusal yet again!
14. Try to decide which course would be most helpful -- Awakening Your True Transformational Self Within Through Toenail Therapy and Micro-Cranial Stimulation? Self-Care, Self-Help, Self-Awareness, Self-Visualization And The Angelic I? Decide to enroll in The Tao Of Conga Drumming On The Far Side Of Ecstasy ... until you see the price!!!... gasp for fresh air...inhale the smoke let out by the burning cigerratte your husband is smoking after his lunch!!!
15. Conclude that what you really need is a mantra. Something like: NoooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooreNewAge... NoooooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooooooooooooreMennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...but you cant do without them, can you?!!!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Planning a vacation with your spouse? Well this might help
Planning a vacation together can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it all and the other prefers unreasonable (!!!) luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what's a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line. This agreement that I have thought of, can help you save your marriage from a ruthless divorce at the end of the vacation.
AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife (or Boy firned and Girl Friend).
(Note: Gay and Lesbian partners may also follow this if their choice pattern is similar to that assumed here)
WHEREAS, Husband's ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn't cost a dime;
WHEREAS, Wife's ideal vacation requires a five star resort;
WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map;
WHEREAS, Wife is a planning freak who makes reservations a year and a half in advance after conducting six months of research; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife haven't taken a vacation in years and believe it might be time to compromise.
NOW, THEREFORE, Husband and Wife agree to the following weekend trip provisions:
1. Exactly one month from today, Husband and Wife shall drive to a Resort listed in one of Wife's pocket notebooks. The name of the Resort must be known and heard off amongst Wife's "social networking connections" and the resort have to have a website, tweeter and Facebook account. Accommodations shall be chosen via the "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" method of selection.
2. Wife may, if she so chooses, call for reservations. If none are available, another inn/resort shall be chosen via coin toss, even though Husband would much prefer to wing it.
3. Once a destination has been selected, Husband and Wife shall mark their route on the map. Husband agrees to occasionally follow the map, provided Wife limits bathroom stops to one per hour.
4. Packing for their two day stay shall be directed by Wife, who agrees not to demand for more than one week's supply of clothing. The packing however will be done by the husaband under wife's supervision.
5. Husband shall have the car tuned up prior to their trip and shall fill the gas tank right before leaving. Any breakdowns caused by Husband's forgetting to do same shall entitle Wife to a real vacation.
6. Husband promises that throughout the drive he shall not exceed the speed limit by more than 100 km per hour. Additionally, he shall not brake abruptly unless he sees a deer, and shall refrain from all careening type activity. Wife shall not scream, moan, grunt, or groan, or otherwise engage in back-seat driving, except in the event of excessive lurching. Notwithstanding the foregoing, if she finds herself thrown onto Husband's lap, she may badger him as much as she wants to.
7. Wife shall act as official navigator, and Husband acknowledges that it's possible to turn left when Wife says to, without sacrificing his masculinity. Additionally, Wife may periodically advise husband to be alert for a particular landmark. This shall not be deemed an invitation to accelerate and speed through the next seventeen intersections.
8. Both parties acknowledge that they'll probably get lost. Husband concedes in advance that it isn't Wife's fault even though she's the official navigator. Wife concedes in advance that it isn't Husband's fault, even though he turned right or left only when he felt like it.
9. Husband acknowledges that he can ask a gas station attendant for directions without looking like a weenie. And that it is absolutely ok to ask for directions if you are clueless
10. In the event Husband and Wife manage to reach their destination before the end of the weekend, they agree to resume speaking as soon as they've unpacked.
11. Wife agrees to accompany husband on one hike during the course of the weekend. Said hike shall not exceed two hours and shall be canceled if there is more than a 30% chance of showers. The steepness of the trail shall be subject to further negotiations.
12. In exchange for the hike, Husband agrees to attend an art auction. Wife promises not to purchase or explain any of the paintings, and Husband need not pretend to like them.
13. The trip home shall be conducted in a manner consistent with Paragraphs 6 through 9, except that Husband shall navigate and Wife shall drive, and both shall be authorized to get even.
SIGNATURES: _______________ (HUSBAND) _______________ (WIFE)
AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife (or Boy firned and Girl Friend).
(Note: Gay and Lesbian partners may also follow this if their choice pattern is similar to that assumed here)
WHEREAS, Husband's ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn't cost a dime;
WHEREAS, Wife's ideal vacation requires a five star resort;
WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map;
WHEREAS, Wife is a planning freak who makes reservations a year and a half in advance after conducting six months of research; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife haven't taken a vacation in years and believe it might be time to compromise.
NOW, THEREFORE, Husband and Wife agree to the following weekend trip provisions:
1. Exactly one month from today, Husband and Wife shall drive to a Resort listed in one of Wife's pocket notebooks. The name of the Resort must be known and heard off amongst Wife's "social networking connections" and the resort have to have a website, tweeter and Facebook account. Accommodations shall be chosen via the "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" method of selection.
2. Wife may, if she so chooses, call for reservations. If none are available, another inn/resort shall be chosen via coin toss, even though Husband would much prefer to wing it.
3. Once a destination has been selected, Husband and Wife shall mark their route on the map. Husband agrees to occasionally follow the map, provided Wife limits bathroom stops to one per hour.
4. Packing for their two day stay shall be directed by Wife, who agrees not to demand for more than one week's supply of clothing. The packing however will be done by the husaband under wife's supervision.
5. Husband shall have the car tuned up prior to their trip and shall fill the gas tank right before leaving. Any breakdowns caused by Husband's forgetting to do same shall entitle Wife to a real vacation.
6. Husband promises that throughout the drive he shall not exceed the speed limit by more than 100 km per hour. Additionally, he shall not brake abruptly unless he sees a deer, and shall refrain from all careening type activity. Wife shall not scream, moan, grunt, or groan, or otherwise engage in back-seat driving, except in the event of excessive lurching. Notwithstanding the foregoing, if she finds herself thrown onto Husband's lap, she may badger him as much as she wants to.
7. Wife shall act as official navigator, and Husband acknowledges that it's possible to turn left when Wife says to, without sacrificing his masculinity. Additionally, Wife may periodically advise husband to be alert for a particular landmark. This shall not be deemed an invitation to accelerate and speed through the next seventeen intersections.
8. Both parties acknowledge that they'll probably get lost. Husband concedes in advance that it isn't Wife's fault even though she's the official navigator. Wife concedes in advance that it isn't Husband's fault, even though he turned right or left only when he felt like it.
9. Husband acknowledges that he can ask a gas station attendant for directions without looking like a weenie. And that it is absolutely ok to ask for directions if you are clueless
10. In the event Husband and Wife manage to reach their destination before the end of the weekend, they agree to resume speaking as soon as they've unpacked.
11. Wife agrees to accompany husband on one hike during the course of the weekend. Said hike shall not exceed two hours and shall be canceled if there is more than a 30% chance of showers. The steepness of the trail shall be subject to further negotiations.
12. In exchange for the hike, Husband agrees to attend an art auction. Wife promises not to purchase or explain any of the paintings, and Husband need not pretend to like them.
13. The trip home shall be conducted in a manner consistent with Paragraphs 6 through 9, except that Husband shall navigate and Wife shall drive, and both shall be authorized to get even.
SIGNATURES: _______________ (HUSBAND) _______________ (WIFE)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tips to save time... We all are busy after all!!!
Unless you live on another planet, or are lucky enough not to be married and/or not having to do a job that pays you peanuts but makes you work like crazy, there are never enough hours in the day. But if you use these efficiency techniques, you can win that battle with time:
- Always do at least two things at once. While showering, do your daughter's homework. While chatting on the phone with a dull acquaintance, take a nap. While attending a meeting at office, plan your menu for dinner.
- Buy a speaker-phone for your kitchen. You'll be able to cook, vacuum, and knit dog-hair booties while you talk on the phone.
- Group chores alphabetically. If you have to go to the pharmacy, combine your trip with errands beginning with the letter "P."
- Except for items with heavy late fees, pay bills no more than four times a year. Think of all the writing-stuffing-licking time you'll save. Not to mention your savings on stamps. And don't worry about forgetting a bill. They'll remind you soon enough.
- Reduce the frequency of house-cleaning chores. Why vacuum twice a week, when you can do it once a month? Ditto for dusting. And if you wait long enough, your spouse may break down and grab a mop.
- Cut down on other time-wasting tasks. Delete half your emails unread. And must you really bathe every day?
- Streamline chores by eliminating non-essentials. If you never touch that crystal vase except to dust it, it's time to throw it out.
- Speaking of non-essentials, get rid of your iron. If you don't, you'll be tempted to use it.
- Unless you're expecting guests, forget about making that bed. It'll only get messy again. Besides, who's to know?
- Disregard the concept of separating coloreds from whites. Proudly clothe yourself in pink.
- Assign chores to family members, keeping their ages in mind. Ask "Is my spouse mature enough to take out the garbage?"
- If you're sick of picking up after your family, keep a large trunk near the center of your home. It's a handy place to throw abandoned toys, dirty dishes, and smelly socks. And it can also double as an end table.
- Do you waste time waking family members up? Hide their alarm clocks, forcing them to dive under the bed to quell the racket. This will also reduce dust-bunny build-up.
- Capture small molecules of down time and do something useful. Those seconds in the elevator provide just enough time to read the paper, clip your toenails, or polish your shoes.
- Car trips furnish a fine opportunity to catch up on chores. Crochet a sweater. Sew runaway buttons onto shirts. Polish your silver. Just be sure to keep your eyes on the road.
- Anticipate long waits and bring something to do. Let's say you're going to the doctor. Cut meal preparation time in half by taking along a knife, cutting board, and lots of veggies. Not only is this a good use of time, but it may hasten your appointment ... Just don't forget the onions and garlic.
- Never pay attention to terms like "relax"; "meditate"; "introspect"...they only sound good in talk-shows.
- Dont waste time sorting things out with your spouse... whether you will crib, shout or sulk...he will remain just the same.
- Blog when you are in office (that saves time when you are at home). Only make sure your boss dont vist your blog too often
- Well...I'd give you more pointers, but I wouldn't want to waste your time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Contract that can save your marriage
Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple's interests just don't jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.
AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between movie-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.
WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a cricket match for as long as they've been married, and he has never managed to reach the stadium;
WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go for a movie together for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don't resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.
NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:
1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband's sole discretion, and Husband will attend one movie once a month, the selection of which shall be in Wife's sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive.
2. The parties agree to dress appropriately for each event.
a. Husband shall attend the movie wearing something casual (not the same shirt he wore thrice that week), but shall not be too casusal to wear shorts that keep coming off and t-shirts worn otherwise at night during sleeping.
b. Wife acknowledges that stiletto heels and bleachers don't mix, and promises to don mustard-friendly clothing.
3. If the movie is romantic, Wife promises not to explain it. Additionally, Wife agrees that Husband need not swim in the emotional waves alongwith the Wife.
4. Husband agrees not to conduct a pre-game lecture or to furnish play-by-play explanations. He shall, however, nudge Wife gently when cheering is about to occur, so she may properly protect her eardrums.
5. Wife shall not be required to ingest franks, fries, or beer during the game, and won't keep track of those eaten by Husband.
6. Husband shall not ingest franks, fries, or beer at the movie, and promises not to snore during the romantic songs.
7. Each party must stay for the entire length of his/her respective ordeal. However, excessive beer spillage shall entitle Wife to spend the entire game in the bathroom.
8. If the game goes into overtime, Wife shall refrain from complaining, pouting, and/or dirty looks.
9. If the movie is too long, Husband shall refrain from griping, sulking, and/or listenning to some stupid game commentory in his mobile
10. The following shall not be uttered during the game:
a. "What's going on?"
b. "Is it almost over?"
c. Cheering type sounds when the wrong team scores.
11. The following shall not be uttered during the movie:
a. "What's going on?"
b. "Is it almost over?"
c. Bravo type sounds when the villain hits the hero.
12. This is a once a month deal, and Husband and Wife will never, ever do it again. Unless, of course, they enjoy it.
SIGNATURES: ________________________ _________________________
AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between movie-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.
WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a cricket match for as long as they've been married, and he has never managed to reach the stadium;
WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go for a movie together for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don't resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.
NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:
1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband's sole discretion, and Husband will attend one movie once a month, the selection of which shall be in Wife's sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive.
2. The parties agree to dress appropriately for each event.
a. Husband shall attend the movie wearing something casual (not the same shirt he wore thrice that week), but shall not be too casusal to wear shorts that keep coming off and t-shirts worn otherwise at night during sleeping.
b. Wife acknowledges that stiletto heels and bleachers don't mix, and promises to don mustard-friendly clothing.
3. If the movie is romantic, Wife promises not to explain it. Additionally, Wife agrees that Husband need not swim in the emotional waves alongwith the Wife.
4. Husband agrees not to conduct a pre-game lecture or to furnish play-by-play explanations. He shall, however, nudge Wife gently when cheering is about to occur, so she may properly protect her eardrums.
5. Wife shall not be required to ingest franks, fries, or beer during the game, and won't keep track of those eaten by Husband.
6. Husband shall not ingest franks, fries, or beer at the movie, and promises not to snore during the romantic songs.
7. Each party must stay for the entire length of his/her respective ordeal. However, excessive beer spillage shall entitle Wife to spend the entire game in the bathroom.
8. If the game goes into overtime, Wife shall refrain from complaining, pouting, and/or dirty looks.
9. If the movie is too long, Husband shall refrain from griping, sulking, and/or listenning to some stupid game commentory in his mobile
10. The following shall not be uttered during the game:
a. "What's going on?"
b. "Is it almost over?"
c. Cheering type sounds when the wrong team scores.
11. The following shall not be uttered during the movie:
a. "What's going on?"
b. "Is it almost over?"
c. Bravo type sounds when the villain hits the hero.
12. This is a once a month deal, and Husband and Wife will never, ever do it again. Unless, of course, they enjoy it.
SIGNATURES: ________________________ _________________________
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Ladies n (Not so) Gentlemen...
Do men and women communicate differently at work? Yes, according to the proponents of "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" school of thought. In the corporate culture and in an organization where we spend more time in meetings (calls conferences) than the combined time spent in the loo, cafeteria, and smoking zones...I have found women mostly to be self-effacing and apologetic, whereas men are convincingly confident...even when they dont have the slightest idea of what they are talking about.
Before you rule me out as a nut feminist, consider this...a real life situation I expreinced in a call about a week back. It was a call chaired by my project manager(male)... its a different thing altogether that apart from scheduling the call he did nothing...some would say its his job to "delegate" jobs to others, to which I would say "no comments". Anyways, so the situation is...he called for the meeting (virtual as participants are spread across the globe)...he asked me to send him the probable agenda of "his" call which he copy-pasted and sent to all 30 minutes before the call (Delegation, if you may). Now, he and I are in the different location as well...and amongst innumerable worthless gifts we human beings have received from technology, like mobile phones, t.v remote (worthless if you have a husband at home) etc, one such gift used at offices is "instant messenger"... your constant enemy invading whatever little personal moments you have in the office. So here we were, all joining the call over phone...now the minimum I would expect from my project manager to do is have a attendees list ready - as he sent out the invitation he would know who all are joining, right? Wrong...because he is a MAN. Now the attendees were as follows (names changed to the extent possible):
Jeerav Kumar (Project Manager - Male)
Lifebeyonddreams (Me-female)
Mad-hobby (Female)
Mega (Female)
Brain Bloody Witch (Male)
Steep Macaroon (Male)
Lusan S Michael (Female)
Lead Burner
Now all these peole are known to each other, we work in a Global Project...
Now the call began...Jeerav initiated the call with attendence...everybody said their respective name and he reciprocated with a "Hi X, how r you doing?" in his desperately-trying-to-acquire-an-American accent. So far so good... Lusan introduced herself as "Hi this is Lusan S Michael"...to which our great Project Manager said... "Hi Michael, how r you doin' man?"... And this moment ladies and gentle men, I fell off my chair and did all I could to stop me from LOLF loud and clear through the call! How can a "female" voice be Michael? How can someone named "Michael" join our call when we dont have any member by that name. And Lusan, who is called Lue...how can "she" be "man"???!!! But then these obvious things didnot occur to our great project manager (may be he should have delegated the job of taking attendence to somebody else)
Communication differences can be especially pronounced during business meetings. Especially those mind-numbingly "important" meetings where a gaggle of men and women perch and/or slouch around a conference table and/or shout over the phone and discuss critical project issues like project scope, project budgets, project picnics, and football scores. And play BuzzwordBingo in a laudable effort to remain semiconscious.
Unfortunately, how far you move up the corporate ladder often depends on your conference table talk. Why? Because your boss doesn't have time to check out your work. (S)he's much too busy sleeping through meetings.
So you can see how important it is to learn to communicate like a ma... I mean ... boost your communication skills.
But help is at hand. Simply assess your abilities with this MCQ (Meeting Communication Quotient) Quiz:
1) When you have an important point to make you:
a. Jump in the instant somebody stops to breathe.
b. Politely wait until every male in the room has spoken ...including the CEO's cute three-year-old.
c. Wave a white flag in the air and hope someone notices.
2) When somebody uses an unfamiliar term you:
a. Figure if you don't understand it, it isn't important.
b. Hope someone else asks what the @#$%$#@$ the speaker is talking about.
c. Say, "I apologize for my stupidity, but would you please, if it isn't too much trouble, explain X?"
3) If you don't have any original ideas to contribute you:
a. Wait until you hear someone say something brilliant and rephrase it, pretending it's your own.
b. Sit quietly, absorbing what everyone else has to say.
c. Beg for forgiveness.
4) When someone's secretary asks for beverage orders you:
a. Request exactly what you want.
b. Say, "anything will be fine."
c. Head for the coffee machine.
5) If the CEO directly solicits your opinion you:
a. Say what you think he wants you to say.
b. Say what you think your boss wants you to say.
c. Look behind you to see who the CEO is speaking to.
All done with the quiz? Good. Now it's time to check your responses ... and to hire a communication coach if you answered "c" even once.
Whom should you hire? Any male can help settle ... I mean "improve" ... your score.
Before you rule me out as a nut feminist, consider this...a real life situation I expreinced in a call about a week back. It was a call chaired by my project manager(male)... its a different thing altogether that apart from scheduling the call he did nothing...some would say its his job to "delegate" jobs to others, to which I would say "no comments". Anyways, so the situation is...he called for the meeting (virtual as participants are spread across the globe)...he asked me to send him the probable agenda of "his" call which he copy-pasted and sent to all 30 minutes before the call (Delegation, if you may). Now, he and I are in the different location as well...and amongst innumerable worthless gifts we human beings have received from technology, like mobile phones, t.v remote (worthless if you have a husband at home) etc, one such gift used at offices is "instant messenger"... your constant enemy invading whatever little personal moments you have in the office. So here we were, all joining the call over phone...now the minimum I would expect from my project manager to do is have a attendees list ready - as he sent out the invitation he would know who all are joining, right? Wrong...because he is a MAN. Now the attendees were as follows (names changed to the extent possible):
Jeerav Kumar (Project Manager - Male)
Lifebeyonddreams (Me-female)
Mad-hobby (Female)
Mega (Female)
Brain Bloody Witch (Male)
Steep Macaroon (Male)
Lusan S Michael (Female)
Lead Burner
Now all these peole are known to each other, we work in a Global Project...
Now the call began...Jeerav initiated the call with attendence...everybody said their respective name and he reciprocated with a "Hi X, how r you doing?" in his desperately-trying-to-acquire-an-American accent. So far so good... Lusan introduced herself as "Hi this is Lusan S Michael"...to which our great Project Manager said... "Hi Michael, how r you doin' man?"... And this moment ladies and gentle men, I fell off my chair and did all I could to stop me from LOLF loud and clear through the call! How can a "female" voice be Michael? How can someone named "Michael" join our call when we dont have any member by that name. And Lusan, who is called Lue...how can "she" be "man"???!!! But then these obvious things didnot occur to our great project manager (may be he should have delegated the job of taking attendence to somebody else)
Communication differences can be especially pronounced during business meetings. Especially those mind-numbingly "important" meetings where a gaggle of men and women perch and/or slouch around a conference table and/or shout over the phone and discuss critical project issues like project scope, project budgets, project picnics, and football scores. And play BuzzwordBingo in a laudable effort to remain semiconscious.
Unfortunately, how far you move up the corporate ladder often depends on your conference table talk. Why? Because your boss doesn't have time to check out your work. (S)he's much too busy sleeping through meetings.
So you can see how important it is to learn to communicate like a ma... I mean ... boost your communication skills.
But help is at hand. Simply assess your abilities with this MCQ (Meeting Communication Quotient) Quiz:
1) When you have an important point to make you:
a. Jump in the instant somebody stops to breathe.
b. Politely wait until every male in the room has spoken ...including the CEO's cute three-year-old.
c. Wave a white flag in the air and hope someone notices.
2) When somebody uses an unfamiliar term you:
a. Figure if you don't understand it, it isn't important.
b. Hope someone else asks what the @#$%$#@$ the speaker is talking about.
c. Say, "I apologize for my stupidity, but would you please, if it isn't too much trouble, explain X?"
3) If you don't have any original ideas to contribute you:
a. Wait until you hear someone say something brilliant and rephrase it, pretending it's your own.
b. Sit quietly, absorbing what everyone else has to say.
c. Beg for forgiveness.
4) When someone's secretary asks for beverage orders you:
a. Request exactly what you want.
b. Say, "anything will be fine."
c. Head for the coffee machine.
5) If the CEO directly solicits your opinion you:
a. Say what you think he wants you to say.
b. Say what you think your boss wants you to say.
c. Look behind you to see who the CEO is speaking to.
All done with the quiz? Good. Now it's time to check your responses ... and to hire a communication coach if you answered "c" even once.
Whom should you hire? Any male can help settle ... I mean "improve" ... your score.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Mothers!
Mothers are very rare species...they are available in Human History from the time immortal. My tribute here is to the "human" mothers though mothers are available in every living species on earth, but my believe is that amongst all other species, "human mothers" are the most advanced. They vary in shape, size, color, and nature but more or less there are certain "general" characteristics that they abide by. But this post is not about those general characteristics... because that would be a waste of time, as even general characteristics are given "individualistic" touch by these species worldwide. Say for eg, "Mothers are caring"...its a general trait...but the "care" shown by "Indian" mothers are much different that that shown by "American" mothers. Even within India, you will find characteristic differences amongst different provinces. My blog here is mostly for "Bong Mothers"...and am inspired to write this because of a particular incident that I witnessed today.
I consider myself to be one of the "lower rankers" when it comes to the characteristic of "dedication towards your child's education" amongst the mothers. Though my daughter is pretty chilled out about the same, and though according to her I am a "cool mom"...but "coolness" is not supposed to be a "good mom's" characteristic,atleast not in this part of the world...at times I suffer from accute"inferiority complex" particularly when I am amongst other "not-so-cool moms" in birthday parties. Needless to say, they are the superior varieties amongst Bong Moms... its like the last girl in the class sitiing with the toppers. They have every detailed knowledge of the school, starting from the teachers (I know thats obvious) to the color of the bathroom tiles. They know which teacher is what "type" (dont ask me how many "types" of teachers are there) and they fight with them for 0.5 marks deduction in their ward's tests. I vaguely try to remember the subject on which my daughter has a test on any particular day. Dont blame me as these days kids have tests almost everyday under different categories...class test, block test, weekly test, and hold your breadth...surprise test. I think both me and may daughter deserve kudos for going through the pain of all these tests (well daughter goes through them, and I take the pain to remember the tests). By now, am sure, you are well aware of the rank of my "motherhood" interms of "dedication towards your child's education". I get nervous in birthday parties when I sit with all other moms (by the way I get to meet them only in such parties as otherwise I hardly go to school to fight with the teachers for marks).
Birthday parties are fun...I love to see these dolls all decked up and ofcourse having cake when you are putting on weight even drinking water, gives me a high. But my "fun" gets all ruined up when am sitting amongst all other "mothers"...their topic of discussion starts with..."You know Sushmita Ma'am deducted half a mark of my daughter in the Eng Lit test last week, only because she forgot to put a fullstop!!!...how could she? I went and told her, Sushmita Ma'am, my daughter didnt forget to put the fullstop there its just that it was not put with force and so blame it on the Link gel pen that she was using, that went missing...see here Ma'am, her next word there started with a Capital Letter...if she had not put the fullstop then why would she begin the next word with a Capital Letter?"...Amazing! am not too sure what Sushmita Ma'am said to that, but am sure if I was Sushmita Ma'am I would have fainted right there...or maybe quit! Half a mark deduction is such a big sin, am sure Sushmita Ma'am did never think of! Poor her.
All other mothers by now would agree to this mother who is a "victim" of Sushmita Ma'am crule nature of deducting marks! Other mothers would provide their sympathy and support and start recollecting their horrible experiences right from the days of Nursery I (our kids are in Std V now). This would go on and I would be looking at all mothers feeling highly guilty. Topic them moves to the pattern of questions that might come this year and in the next 5-6 years...all these mothers have done serious researches by borrowing test copies and books and other reference materials from the "senior mothers" (I mean mothers whose kids are senior to our kids). Then they start repenting how their sons/daughters dont study beyond 4 hours in the evening! Now this is precisely the time when I fall off the chair...4 hours at a strech?!!! I dont remeber when I sutdied that long, how can i even think of forcing my daughter to that...infact I feel very happy the day she crosses the 1 hour mark! We celebrate that evening with special dinner at home. But then, am low ranker so this should not be mentioned here in the first place. I look at the kids around and somehow feel sorry for them...with so much of pressure right from their childhood, will they be able to "love" studies ever? Anyways, my thoughts dont matter...now not all mothers can be wrong...
I accept my "inability" to be a good mom no matter how "cool" my daughter thinks I am...but today my inferiority complex took multiple heaps! Today, I went to pick up my daughter from her school...thought of giving her a surprise amodst all her "surprise tests". There is very narrow lane besides the main building where all the cars are parked and kids come in long spiral queues holding their guardains' hands, all tired and exhausted. Now this lane at this point of time is more crowded than the busiest and busient of streets during office hours. On the side of the lane there is a narrow sewage canal passing through, that is where these small kids relieve themselves. Now, I dont like the idea of kids relieving themselves on the street like this, but cant blame them when even at this age, there fathers also do the same, but today lets not talk about it. So what I was saying is here I saw a small boy (my guess is that he would be in Std I) relieving him...and guess what? His mother was standing behind him and reading out a poem to him which he is repeating (like a "badhyo chele") after her! I couldnt take it any more...I mean a 6 year old boy, slogging in school for 4.30 hours and then coming out with an urgency to relieve himself is not even getting spared for 2 mins till he is done with! I couldnot imagine what urgency lied there for the mother who had to teach her the poem when he was reliving himself under a scorching sun at 12 noon!...This mother should get the mother of the decade...only if I knew her too well I would have advised her to teach me "motherhood"... but since I didnt, I dint dare to.
So here I am, highly frustrated with myself, writing a blog on "Mothers"...
I consider myself to be one of the "lower rankers" when it comes to the characteristic of "dedication towards your child's education" amongst the mothers. Though my daughter is pretty chilled out about the same, and though according to her I am a "cool mom"...but "coolness" is not supposed to be a "good mom's" characteristic,atleast not in this part of the world...at times I suffer from accute"inferiority complex" particularly when I am amongst other "not-so-cool moms" in birthday parties. Needless to say, they are the superior varieties amongst Bong Moms... its like the last girl in the class sitiing with the toppers. They have every detailed knowledge of the school, starting from the teachers (I know thats obvious) to the color of the bathroom tiles. They know which teacher is what "type" (dont ask me how many "types" of teachers are there) and they fight with them for 0.5 marks deduction in their ward's tests. I vaguely try to remember the subject on which my daughter has a test on any particular day. Dont blame me as these days kids have tests almost everyday under different categories...class test, block test, weekly test, and hold your breadth...surprise test. I think both me and may daughter deserve kudos for going through the pain of all these tests (well daughter goes through them, and I take the pain to remember the tests). By now, am sure, you are well aware of the rank of my "motherhood" interms of "dedication towards your child's education". I get nervous in birthday parties when I sit with all other moms (by the way I get to meet them only in such parties as otherwise I hardly go to school to fight with the teachers for marks).
Birthday parties are fun...I love to see these dolls all decked up and ofcourse having cake when you are putting on weight even drinking water, gives me a high. But my "fun" gets all ruined up when am sitting amongst all other "mothers"...their topic of discussion starts with..."You know Sushmita Ma'am deducted half a mark of my daughter in the Eng Lit test last week, only because she forgot to put a fullstop!!!...how could she? I went and told her, Sushmita Ma'am, my daughter didnt forget to put the fullstop there its just that it was not put with force and so blame it on the Link gel pen that she was using, that went missing...see here Ma'am, her next word there started with a Capital Letter...if she had not put the fullstop then why would she begin the next word with a Capital Letter?"...Amazing! am not too sure what Sushmita Ma'am said to that, but am sure if I was Sushmita Ma'am I would have fainted right there...or maybe quit! Half a mark deduction is such a big sin, am sure Sushmita Ma'am did never think of! Poor her.
All other mothers by now would agree to this mother who is a "victim" of Sushmita Ma'am crule nature of deducting marks! Other mothers would provide their sympathy and support and start recollecting their horrible experiences right from the days of Nursery I (our kids are in Std V now). This would go on and I would be looking at all mothers feeling highly guilty. Topic them moves to the pattern of questions that might come this year and in the next 5-6 years...all these mothers have done serious researches by borrowing test copies and books and other reference materials from the "senior mothers" (I mean mothers whose kids are senior to our kids). Then they start repenting how their sons/daughters dont study beyond 4 hours in the evening! Now this is precisely the time when I fall off the chair...4 hours at a strech?!!! I dont remeber when I sutdied that long, how can i even think of forcing my daughter to that...infact I feel very happy the day she crosses the 1 hour mark! We celebrate that evening with special dinner at home. But then, am low ranker so this should not be mentioned here in the first place. I look at the kids around and somehow feel sorry for them...with so much of pressure right from their childhood, will they be able to "love" studies ever? Anyways, my thoughts dont matter...now not all mothers can be wrong...
I accept my "inability" to be a good mom no matter how "cool" my daughter thinks I am...but today my inferiority complex took multiple heaps! Today, I went to pick up my daughter from her school...thought of giving her a surprise amodst all her "surprise tests". There is very narrow lane besides the main building where all the cars are parked and kids come in long spiral queues holding their guardains' hands, all tired and exhausted. Now this lane at this point of time is more crowded than the busiest and busient of streets during office hours. On the side of the lane there is a narrow sewage canal passing through, that is where these small kids relieve themselves. Now, I dont like the idea of kids relieving themselves on the street like this, but cant blame them when even at this age, there fathers also do the same, but today lets not talk about it. So what I was saying is here I saw a small boy (my guess is that he would be in Std I) relieving him...and guess what? His mother was standing behind him and reading out a poem to him which he is repeating (like a "badhyo chele") after her! I couldnt take it any more...I mean a 6 year old boy, slogging in school for 4.30 hours and then coming out with an urgency to relieve himself is not even getting spared for 2 mins till he is done with! I couldnot imagine what urgency lied there for the mother who had to teach her the poem when he was reliving himself under a scorching sun at 12 noon!...This mother should get the mother of the decade...only if I knew her too well I would have advised her to teach me "motherhood"... but since I didnt, I dint dare to.
So here I am, highly frustrated with myself, writing a blog on "Mothers"...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Mill & Boons
Blame all my crushes on M&B. Blame all my hearbreaks on M&B. Blame my extremely filmy romanticism also on M&B. I admit that my life has been moulded (you can read "deformed" if you may) by M&B. I would like to thank all the authors of M&B (Penny Jordan, Debbie Macomber, Lynne Graham, Nora Roberts, etc) for making me this extremely stupid, emotional, sentimental, romantic fool! Thanks to you women out there, I started believing "Love" is all about candle-lit dinner, poetry, slow dancing, flowers, and chocolates. I believed my man would be this tall, dark, handsome, showstealer hunk with a very intelligent mind and romantic heart (absolutely impossible combination not matter which formula of Permutation n Combination you put in). Since I had always been a plane Jane, I believed like your books one day a Salman Khan or a Rahul Dravid will woo me and sweep me off my feet (well, I still believe it...one day this will happen).
Now why am I suddenly in a bah-you-all-authors-of M&B-stories? Well the truth is I started reading them all over again! Yes, you heard me right, I am back to reading M&B when in exactly 84 days I will be 35! And faint-if-you-may, these books are again captivating me...you know that feeling when a gust of wind catches you unawares? when it swirls round you, sucking the air from your lungs and leaving you blinking, and ruffled and invigorated?...well thats what I am feeling right now! And if you are wondering on the way I am writing this...well thanks to the new book of M&B for that as well!
Wish God was more like these authors! Wish He took help of these authors when He was writing my life story. I wonder whether in God's kingdom, M&B stories are written? Even if they are, I am unaware... I am yet to meet a TDH with a lot of sensitivity who will prepare breakfast for me and wake me up with a "Goodmorning Sunshine". I am yet to meet a man who would actually be sensible enough to ask the local confectionary to send me a "cream filled doughnut" everyday in the morning because he knows I have a "sweet tooth" and crave for something sweet everyday morning... and mind you all these activities that an M&B Hero performs are all pre-love stage...these are just the beginnings in that "world"..."I Love You" comes decades later...and here in this "world" I love you" changes to "You are ok" to "Oh you suck" to "For all I care"....but Goodmorning sunshine is a distant dream... Flowers everyday is unthinkable...and candle-lit dinner? well you may have it if there is a power cut!
Hence my plead to these great authors...please do put some sense in God's mind...so that when He writes my next life...He puts in some components from your stories... oh Life would be so much fun, if I was "Summer Cutris" of "Jennifer Ashley" or "Linda Stephens" of your "world"... infact, I am thinking of courriering all your books to Almighty, so that He has some better ideas when He writes my Love Life in my next birth!...only if I had His address!!!
Now why am I suddenly in a bah-you-all-authors-of M&B-stories? Well the truth is I started reading them all over again! Yes, you heard me right, I am back to reading M&B when in exactly 84 days I will be 35! And faint-if-you-may, these books are again captivating me...you know that feeling when a gust of wind catches you unawares? when it swirls round you, sucking the air from your lungs and leaving you blinking, and ruffled and invigorated?...well thats what I am feeling right now! And if you are wondering on the way I am writing this...well thanks to the new book of M&B for that as well!
Wish God was more like these authors! Wish He took help of these authors when He was writing my life story. I wonder whether in God's kingdom, M&B stories are written? Even if they are, I am unaware... I am yet to meet a TDH with a lot of sensitivity who will prepare breakfast for me and wake me up with a "Goodmorning Sunshine". I am yet to meet a man who would actually be sensible enough to ask the local confectionary to send me a "cream filled doughnut" everyday in the morning because he knows I have a "sweet tooth" and crave for something sweet everyday morning... and mind you all these activities that an M&B Hero performs are all pre-love stage...these are just the beginnings in that "world"..."I Love You" comes decades later...and here in this "world" I love you" changes to "You are ok" to "Oh you suck" to "For all I care"....but Goodmorning sunshine is a distant dream... Flowers everyday is unthinkable...and candle-lit dinner? well you may have it if there is a power cut!
Hence my plead to these great authors...please do put some sense in God's mind...so that when He writes my next life...He puts in some components from your stories... oh Life would be so much fun, if I was "Summer Cutris" of "Jennifer Ashley" or "Linda Stephens" of your "world"... infact, I am thinking of courriering all your books to Almighty, so that He has some better ideas when He writes my Love Life in my next birth!...only if I had His address!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Escape...if you may
This is goodbye...goodbye forever...goodbye for good.
No, it is not what you think. I rather like you, and that's why. I am afraid I will fall in love with you. You won't like that...ok fine, am not being honest. I actually love you...love you more than I ever thought I would be able to love someone.
My love is a grasping clinging all-pervasive thing. I get insecure if you so much as look at someone else. My love and my world is be so full of you that there is no room for others, but I know you don't love me in the same way. You talk to others, you have a life beyond me... If somebody ever mentions your name and I get insanely jealous.
And neither of us wants that.
I love you to the extent that my own self is subsumed in my love for you. That I have realised, is rather exhausting and you don't like ir.
So I am stopping before I can get to those stages of devotion, longing and madness. I am quitting before you feel claustrophobic and shackled, before you will resent me and my helpless adoration. Because I am scared.
Escape while you can.
No, it is not what you think. I rather like you, and that's why. I am afraid I will fall in love with you. You won't like that...ok fine, am not being honest. I actually love you...love you more than I ever thought I would be able to love someone.
My love is a grasping clinging all-pervasive thing. I get insecure if you so much as look at someone else. My love and my world is be so full of you that there is no room for others, but I know you don't love me in the same way. You talk to others, you have a life beyond me... If somebody ever mentions your name and I get insanely jealous.
And neither of us wants that.
I love you to the extent that my own self is subsumed in my love for you. That I have realised, is rather exhausting and you don't like ir.
So I am stopping before I can get to those stages of devotion, longing and madness. I am quitting before you feel claustrophobic and shackled, before you will resent me and my helpless adoration. Because I am scared.
Escape while you can.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Hindi Film Song Lyrics
Since I have nothing better to do at the moment, I decided to work with our famous Bollywood songs... So here it goes...
When I saw a girl in 1942, it felt like...
Blossoming Rose - 14.28%
Poet's Dream - 14.28%
Luminous Ray - 14.28%
Deer in forest - 14.28%
Moonlit Night- 14.28%
Soft Words- 14.28%
Lamp Lit in Temple - 14.28%
Attributes of Govinda that are SEXY ( Y=Yes, N=No)
Pant - Y
Shirt - Y
Hair - Y
Walk - Y
Even his damn hanky - Y!!!
Heisenberg's Principle of Love Uncertainty...
Somebody Lives...
Infront of my eyes - 50%
Near my Liver! - 50%
It You...you...you!!!
The following are fast asleep... Please rate the following
Standards - AW=Awake
As= Asleep
RA= Really Asleep
CM= Comatose
This World - Your rating - AS
Sky - Your Rating - AS
All Destinations - Your rating - RA
Road - Your rating - AS
Rajesh Khanna's Algorithm in LIFE
What Happened >> How did it happen >> When did it happen >> Why did it happen >> When did it happen >> When it happened >> Then it happened >> Ditch that shit >>>> What Happened >>.....
Things Govinda does and doesnot care about
Govinda Does Not care about : Your Grandmother's death
Govinda does care about: Walking on the road
Eating Bhelpuri
Showing girl around the town
Ok, enough now! what do you trhink, I really have nothing to do???!!! Grrrrrrrr
When I saw a girl in 1942, it felt like...
Blossoming Rose - 14.28%
Poet's Dream - 14.28%
Luminous Ray - 14.28%
Deer in forest - 14.28%
Moonlit Night- 14.28%
Soft Words- 14.28%
Lamp Lit in Temple - 14.28%
Attributes of Govinda that are SEXY ( Y=Yes, N=No)
Pant - Y
Shirt - Y
Hair - Y
Walk - Y
Even his damn hanky - Y!!!
Heisenberg's Principle of Love Uncertainty...
Somebody Lives...
Infront of my eyes - 50%
Near my Liver! - 50%
It You...you...you!!!
The following are fast asleep... Please rate the following
Standards - AW=Awake
As= Asleep
RA= Really Asleep
CM= Comatose
This World - Your rating - AS
Sky - Your Rating - AS
All Destinations - Your rating - RA
Road - Your rating - AS
Rajesh Khanna's Algorithm in LIFE
What Happened >> How did it happen >> When did it happen >> Why did it happen >> When did it happen >> When it happened >> Then it happened >> Ditch that shit >>>> What Happened >>.....
Things Govinda does and doesnot care about
Govinda Does Not care about : Your Grandmother's death
Govinda does care about: Walking on the road
Eating Bhelpuri
Showing girl around the town
Ok, enough now! what do you trhink, I really have nothing to do???!!! Grrrrrrrr
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Look Beyond Actions
Anybody who has a husband or a boyfriend or some other form of commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner, knows that anything he does to whatever you say has no distant connection with emotions and/or feelings. Every woman is born with a natural ability see through his actions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of peace and sanity. Here are some examples.
Men Psychology and their general understanding of "Women": They think that anything a woman utters has a "hidden" meaning which the male species has not evolved with enough sensory perceptions to understand (the latter part is ofcourse, true).
No matter what you say, your counter part (yes, that commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner) will not go by your face value, but rather try to find the "hidden" motive and act such stupidly that he will screw your happiness as well as his, in the process. Some such common scenarios are
When you say: How was your day honey?
What he thinks you mean: You want *him* to ask *you* how your day was?
How he handles it: Assuming, he is one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about his wife’s day, he switches to “rant mode”. The moment you ask the question, he starts off “It was the most godawful day anybody can ever have. I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”.
If you are one of 99% of normal human beings, you would have slept half way through.
When you say: Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight? Something light?
What he thinks you mean: You want to watch some tear-jerker chickflick
How he handles it: According to him, everything you say or do, is a "test". He uses his "brain" and thinks, if he whines about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when he wants to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.” So he decides that the best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie you want. In fact, he offers to drive to the nearest DVD shop to get the movie. And on the way back, he sticks a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD and then he would get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD. (and you actually believe him and end up watching "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" together.
When you say: What should I wear for tonight’s party? The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
What he thinks you mean: Nothing, now he is screwed. He thinks he is in a minefield. First of all he has no clue if you really have those dresses. And his corrupt mind thinks may be you are just "testing" his memory. Moreover, he has no clue what you wore last Sunday or the Sunday before. He thinks, if he makes one mistake then you are going to screw his evening with a "Do you even notice me any more” discussion.
How he handles it: The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress you own. If he can think of one,he will just say, “Why not that long yellow number?” Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal for him. But what if he can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses you have? Then, he will simply excuse himself and run to your closet and find out!
When you say: Hey, I am going to the mall. Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
What he thinks you mean: He thinks he got a tough problem in his hands. If he said "yes" then obviously he is not going to like what you bought (wonder why we ever try). He can neither wear it nor return it (and stay married). At the same time he cant say "no" because he thinks then you will follow it up with a “What, you don’t like my taste?” discussion.
How he handles it: The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure. The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”
When you say: Oh, I LOVE these shoes! But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What he thinks you mean: You want him to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How he handles it: He can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition. So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey. That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”
Men Psychology and their general understanding of "Women": They think that anything a woman utters has a "hidden" meaning which the male species has not evolved with enough sensory perceptions to understand (the latter part is ofcourse, true).
No matter what you say, your counter part (yes, that commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner) will not go by your face value, but rather try to find the "hidden" motive and act such stupidly that he will screw your happiness as well as his, in the process. Some such common scenarios are
When you say: How was your day honey?
What he thinks you mean: You want *him* to ask *you* how your day was?
How he handles it: Assuming, he is one of the 99% of men who neither wants to talk about his day nor wants to listen about his wife’s day, he switches to “rant mode”. The moment you ask the question, he starts off “It was the most godawful day anybody can ever have. I mean, I was trying to tweak the CPU frequency but the audio keeps crapping out”.
If you are one of 99% of normal human beings, you would have slept half way through.
When you say: Hey, you want to watch a movie tonight? Something light?
What he thinks you mean: You want to watch some tear-jerker chickflick
How he handles it: According to him, everything you say or do, is a "test". He uses his "brain" and thinks, if he whines about the movie, it will be paid back in kind when he wants to watch “Star Wars :The Clone Wars.” So he decides that the best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie you want. In fact, he offers to drive to the nearest DVD shop to get the movie. And on the way back, he sticks a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD and then he would get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD. (and you actually believe him and end up watching "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" together.
When you say: What should I wear for tonight’s party? The blue dress I wore last Sunday or the red dress the Sunday before?
What he thinks you mean: Nothing, now he is screwed. He thinks he is in a minefield. First of all he has no clue if you really have those dresses. And his corrupt mind thinks may be you are just "testing" his memory. Moreover, he has no clue what you wore last Sunday or the Sunday before. He thinks, if he makes one mistake then you are going to screw his evening with a "Do you even notice me any more” discussion.
How he handles it: The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress you own. If he can think of one,he will just say, “Why not that long yellow number?” Adding “You look really good in that” will seal the deal for him. But what if he can’t absolutely remember at least one of the dresses you have? Then, he will simply excuse himself and run to your closet and find out!
When you say: Hey, I am going to the mall. Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
What he thinks you mean: He thinks he got a tough problem in his hands. If he said "yes" then obviously he is not going to like what you bought (wonder why we ever try). He can neither wear it nor return it (and stay married). At the same time he cant say "no" because he thinks then you will follow it up with a “What, you don’t like my taste?” discussion.
How he handles it: The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure. The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”
When you say: Oh, I LOVE these shoes! But they are just above our price range. *sigh*
What he thinks you mean: You want him to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”
How he handles it: He can’t just give away an expensive pair of shoes without a good business proposition. So the way to counter it is by saying, “Oh, it’s not that expensive honey. That’s how much the Prince of Persia IV for PS3 costs!”
Look beyond the Words
Anybody who has a husband or a boyfriend or some other form of commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner, knows that anything he says has an ulterior motive. Every women is born with a natural ability see through the intentions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of peace and sanity . Just in case of doubt, here are some common scenarios and how to handle them.
When he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore. It will pass in a few days.
When he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.
How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed. Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.
When he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him. Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.
When he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.
When he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means: Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he is wearing a jeans that has not been washed for two weeks!
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing. He will change the whole wardrobe immediately. In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.
When he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy
How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Gili Earrings
When he says: OH MY GOD! I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined. Why me? Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet. Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.
When he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer. Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night. And if you dont wanna do that, replace it with pictures of anything you husband would loathe looking at.
When he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s
What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN
How to handle it: Just ignore. It will pass in a few days.
When he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.
What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.
How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed. Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.
When he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood
What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.
How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him. Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.
When he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director
What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity
How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.
When he says: How does my shirt look?
What it means: Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he is wearing a jeans that has not been washed for two weeks!
How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing. He will change the whole wardrobe immediately. In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.
When he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use
What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy
How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Gili Earrings
When he says: OH MY GOD! I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined. Why me? Why now?
What it means: He can’t find his towel
How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet. Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.
When he says: Honey, I created a directory called, “Work Files” on the computer. Please don’t touch it. It has important information.
What it means: “C:\Work Files\January 2006\Sources\Examples\Documents\Junk” is where he stores the porn
How to deal with it: Being the software chick yourself, it’s not hard to write a program that replaces the contents of the directory with pictures of naked dudes every night. And if you dont wanna do that, replace it with pictures of anything you husband would loathe looking at.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Rules of Road Rage
Now this is what I experienced today while coming down to office - am one of those few fortunate people on Bangalore Road, who dont have to drive while commuting to office - so I have the privilege of observing the drivers on drive on the road. And based on my 3 and a 1/2 months thesis, I have formulated this Rule Book of Road Rage. Enjoy, and feel free to add anything I might have missed out (those this has been developed on the basis of Bangalore roads, am sure, every city in India will get benefitted by this - as we believe in Unity in Diversity)
1. Weave through the traffic like an accomplished bra-tailor and shout obscenities at everyone else in the morning. It gets your system all fired up, adrenaline and testosterone flowing out through your nostrils along with all the phlegm thanks to the pollution. Remember , expressing and venting your anger out on strangers on the road is great. It will help you be more calm with the people you know at work and home.
2.Try not to break the rules on the road. But don’t ever EVER spare the ones who do. Remind them of the rules as you drive by, cutting on the other side of the road. Show them the 2 handed birdie, the middle finger as you past them, with both your hands off the wheel. Don’t worry about the safety of others. They should know how to get out of your way. After all, you’re just reprimanding an evil-doer.
3. Pull alongside the offenders and start laughing hysterically at them. Ask them if they must be really proud of themselves for breaking the rule. Remember, laughter is good, especially when you’re laughing at someone else’s face. Start farting at will and follow them up with loud sounds and sighs of relief. Tell them how happy you feel to have shared that rather private moment with someone as incredible as him. However, if the driver has a chick next to him, look horrified and tell him how senseless and utterly disgusting he is. If the chick is hot and remotely sensible, she will not want to be with farty-two-shoes and she might get into your vehicle. Keep your options open.
4. If the driver is a guy and he has his wife/ gf with him, you’ve got him at a perfect time. Tell him how terrible he is at driving and that he learns the rules and how to drive first. Tell him it makes him look really dumb and silly. Guy would get so friggin embarrassed in front of his chick that he’d never do it again. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, there’s even a slight chance that she might walk out of his car and get into yours. Keep your options open.
5. If the driver is a girl/woman and has her bf sitting with her, express surprise at her bf’s ineptitude at not being able to teach her. Sympathize with her situation and tell her its really not her fault , and it’s that cave-dweller’s fault that she’s so fucked up. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might kick the guy out of the car and follow you. Keep your options open.
6. Night-time offense- To annoy the driver behind you, start pressing and releasing your brakes to the beat of a timbaland song blaring loud from your system. The brake lights will provide a psychedelic effect like a 70s abba song on the sorry-assed driver’s face behind you. There is a possibility that there might be a hot chick in that car. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she will actually realize that you are uber-cool and walk out that car and get into yours. Keep your options open.
7. Those Cell-crazy bikers : These guys appear so because of their tendency to drive and magically fit the cellphone between their shoulder and ear as they drive by. They think they have supreme control of their two-wheelers,where as they are actually scaring the shit out with their curvacious projectile on the road. Don’t they just PISS YOU OFF?!?! Pretend that you are Count Dracula himself and stick your head out as you drive along side him and try to take a bite from your his exposed neck. There could be a chick who’s sitting behind him. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might feel simultaneously charmed, mystified, scared and shocked by your act- most of which is enough to get drive them crazy. She may get out of the cell-obsessed jerk’s bike and ride with you. Keep your options open.
Hope my husband doesnt get any idea from all this and starts keeping his options open every time he is driving on the road!!!
1. Weave through the traffic like an accomplished bra-tailor and shout obscenities at everyone else in the morning. It gets your system all fired up, adrenaline and testosterone flowing out through your nostrils along with all the phlegm thanks to the pollution. Remember , expressing and venting your anger out on strangers on the road is great. It will help you be more calm with the people you know at work and home.
2.Try not to break the rules on the road. But don’t ever EVER spare the ones who do. Remind them of the rules as you drive by, cutting on the other side of the road. Show them the 2 handed birdie, the middle finger as you past them, with both your hands off the wheel. Don’t worry about the safety of others. They should know how to get out of your way. After all, you’re just reprimanding an evil-doer.
3. Pull alongside the offenders and start laughing hysterically at them. Ask them if they must be really proud of themselves for breaking the rule. Remember, laughter is good, especially when you’re laughing at someone else’s face. Start farting at will and follow them up with loud sounds and sighs of relief. Tell them how happy you feel to have shared that rather private moment with someone as incredible as him. However, if the driver has a chick next to him, look horrified and tell him how senseless and utterly disgusting he is. If the chick is hot and remotely sensible, she will not want to be with farty-two-shoes and she might get into your vehicle. Keep your options open.
4. If the driver is a guy and he has his wife/ gf with him, you’ve got him at a perfect time. Tell him how terrible he is at driving and that he learns the rules and how to drive first. Tell him it makes him look really dumb and silly. Guy would get so friggin embarrassed in front of his chick that he’d never do it again. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, there’s even a slight chance that she might walk out of his car and get into yours. Keep your options open.
5. If the driver is a girl/woman and has her bf sitting with her, express surprise at her bf’s ineptitude at not being able to teach her. Sympathize with her situation and tell her its really not her fault , and it’s that cave-dweller’s fault that she’s so fucked up. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might kick the guy out of the car and follow you. Keep your options open.
6. Night-time offense- To annoy the driver behind you, start pressing and releasing your brakes to the beat of a timbaland song blaring loud from your system. The brake lights will provide a psychedelic effect like a 70s abba song on the sorry-assed driver’s face behind you. There is a possibility that there might be a hot chick in that car. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she will actually realize that you are uber-cool and walk out that car and get into yours. Keep your options open.
7. Those Cell-crazy bikers : These guys appear so because of their tendency to drive and magically fit the cellphone between their shoulder and ear as they drive by. They think they have supreme control of their two-wheelers,where as they are actually scaring the shit out with their curvacious projectile on the road. Don’t they just PISS YOU OFF?!?! Pretend that you are Count Dracula himself and stick your head out as you drive along side him and try to take a bite from your his exposed neck. There could be a chick who’s sitting behind him. If she’s hot and remotely sensible, she might feel simultaneously charmed, mystified, scared and shocked by your act- most of which is enough to get drive them crazy. She may get out of the cell-obsessed jerk’s bike and ride with you. Keep your options open.
Hope my husband doesnt get any idea from all this and starts keeping his options open every time he is driving on the road!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Call me weird, but not a Lesbian
Dr. Kalyani Sutradhar (henceforth addressed ad KS), the psychiatrist, seated herself across from Shopno. After a quick hello, she came straight to the point. Looking at Shopno intensely, she asked, “Why are you here?”
“They think I am weird,” said Shopno, “and I want to find out…” She didn’t let her finish the sentence. “Who are they?” she interrupted.
“I should have chosen a male psychiatrist” Shopno muttered to herself.
“My blog readers, friends, and above all, my husband” said Shopno.
“You have a blog?! A real one with real readers?! Not imaginary?!” She inquired. KS seemed convinced that Shopno was off the rocker from the get go.
“It’s a real one! I am not that nuts yet. You can check it out at mitraditi.blogspot.com”
KS opened the blog. She asked..."Shopno? Why do you choose that name"
"Because I prefer that name"
“You prefer to call yourself Shopno?”
She scribbled in her pad, in plain view. “Likes to be identified as imaginery,” she wrote.
“It would help me understand you better if I saw your blog.” She opened the blog and she immediately was taken aback.
"Post on pregnant woman?! On gynaechological details?!"
“No, no. It is just a humorous article on how to have fun at a gynaecologists office”
She paid no attention and scrolled down quickly glancing through the articles. “Another article on pregnancy.. hmm... pregnancy pondering?! how many times did you write about pregnant woman in the recent past?”
"A couple of times", Shopno said meekly.
“Man having fun at gynaecologist. Dirty mental images of pregnant women. Sexual harassment in office...hmmm. Let me ask you, do women in the gynecologists room turn you on?”
“WHAT? What the …”
“Are pregnant woman your fetish?
Shopno sat upright, horrified. “NO!” she shouted, “how the hell did you make that inference?”
KS said nothing but scribbled on her pad again: “Pregnant women is an emotional subject for patient; patient bashes men at every instant; even talks about ways of wearing sarees!!!” Without lifting her eyes from the pad, she spoke sternly, “Please don’t read my notes.” She put a hand on the notes to hide them.
She continued the interview. “So your readers, and err... friends, do they have similar interests?” she asked, carefully selecting the word “interests”.
Irritated, Shopno lashed out, “Don’t insult my readers. Most of them are women with children.”
KS said nonchalantly, “Are you saying they were all pregnant at one time?”
Shopno found no words to respond. She buried her face in her hands and stared at KS vacantly.
She continued, “Are you attracted to your readers?”
Waving her hands frantically, Shopno shouted, “NO NO! Most of them are my childhood friends”
It was as if those words never reached Dr. Smith. She continued, “It seems their accusation of your being is weird may not be completely groundless. But I think there is something more to it”
She scribbled something in the pad. As she put the pen back, she dropped it on the floor. It presented a good opportunity for Shopno to read the notes when Dr. KS bent down to retrieve the pen. As she stood up to read the notes, Dr. KS suddenly looked up. Her face turned red. She clutched her blouse closer and shouted, “Are you checking out my maternity bra?”
Shopno dropped on her knees and begged. “Dr. KS, I don’t know how to convince you. My writing about pregnancy means nothing. It’s just an easy topic to write humorously. At least read rest of the blog. I agree I make fun of men, but all thats done with plain and simple humor, honestly no offense meant. Its just that I work in a reputed MNC where I hardly have anything to do, so to kill my time, I blog. Often I run out of topics, and then, just for the sake of fun i keep on writing funny things - even the labels read as Nonsense-Funny”
She seemed a little convinced. She let go of the paperweight she was holding and proceeded to read the rest of the blog. She read for a few minutes, her face very serious, which in itself was an insult for what was purported to be a humor blog. To add injury she asked, “Do you use any illegal drugs?”
“No,” answered Shopno.
“So you produced all this while you were completely conscious.”
“Yes”
“All those 10 ways of wearing saree, Indian-Spider man, Pregnancy advice, and rest of the, um.. humor, you wrote consciously and willingly?”
"yes"
"And you say you are working lady, but with no work - so you have written all this during your office time - in full consciousness?"
"Yes"
Dr. KS spoke with a surprised look on her face, “I have seen so many people in my career. But, you are the weirdest!”
Shopno sighed in relief. "Weird" is so much better than "Lesbian/pervert". She asked, “All I want to know is, if I will ever be normal”
She said, with a sympathy filled tone, “Mrs. Shopno. Looking at your work so far, I am sorry to say there is no hope for you. You will be weird for the rest of your life.”
Shopno beamed with delight. “Thank you! that’s all I wanted to know. Now I can blog forever.” She walked out a relieved person.
“They think I am weird,” said Shopno, “and I want to find out…” She didn’t let her finish the sentence. “Who are they?” she interrupted.
“I should have chosen a male psychiatrist” Shopno muttered to herself.
“My blog readers, friends, and above all, my husband” said Shopno.
“You have a blog?! A real one with real readers?! Not imaginary?!” She inquired. KS seemed convinced that Shopno was off the rocker from the get go.
“It’s a real one! I am not that nuts yet. You can check it out at mitraditi.blogspot.com”
KS opened the blog. She asked..."Shopno? Why do you choose that name"
"Because I prefer that name"
“You prefer to call yourself Shopno?”
She scribbled in her pad, in plain view. “Likes to be identified as imaginery,” she wrote.
“It would help me understand you better if I saw your blog.” She opened the blog and she immediately was taken aback.
"Post on pregnant woman?! On gynaechological details?!"
“No, no. It is just a humorous article on how to have fun at a gynaecologists office”
She paid no attention and scrolled down quickly glancing through the articles. “Another article on pregnancy.. hmm... pregnancy pondering?! how many times did you write about pregnant woman in the recent past?”
"A couple of times", Shopno said meekly.
“Man having fun at gynaecologist. Dirty mental images of pregnant women. Sexual harassment in office...hmmm. Let me ask you, do women in the gynecologists room turn you on?”
“WHAT? What the …”
“Are pregnant woman your fetish?
Shopno sat upright, horrified. “NO!” she shouted, “how the hell did you make that inference?”
KS said nothing but scribbled on her pad again: “Pregnant women is an emotional subject for patient; patient bashes men at every instant; even talks about ways of wearing sarees!!!” Without lifting her eyes from the pad, she spoke sternly, “Please don’t read my notes.” She put a hand on the notes to hide them.
She continued the interview. “So your readers, and err... friends, do they have similar interests?” she asked, carefully selecting the word “interests”.
Irritated, Shopno lashed out, “Don’t insult my readers. Most of them are women with children.”
KS said nonchalantly, “Are you saying they were all pregnant at one time?”
Shopno found no words to respond. She buried her face in her hands and stared at KS vacantly.
She continued, “Are you attracted to your readers?”
Waving her hands frantically, Shopno shouted, “NO NO! Most of them are my childhood friends”
It was as if those words never reached Dr. Smith. She continued, “It seems their accusation of your being is weird may not be completely groundless. But I think there is something more to it”
She scribbled something in the pad. As she put the pen back, she dropped it on the floor. It presented a good opportunity for Shopno to read the notes when Dr. KS bent down to retrieve the pen. As she stood up to read the notes, Dr. KS suddenly looked up. Her face turned red. She clutched her blouse closer and shouted, “Are you checking out my maternity bra?”
Shopno dropped on her knees and begged. “Dr. KS, I don’t know how to convince you. My writing about pregnancy means nothing. It’s just an easy topic to write humorously. At least read rest of the blog. I agree I make fun of men, but all thats done with plain and simple humor, honestly no offense meant. Its just that I work in a reputed MNC where I hardly have anything to do, so to kill my time, I blog. Often I run out of topics, and then, just for the sake of fun i keep on writing funny things - even the labels read as Nonsense-Funny”
She seemed a little convinced. She let go of the paperweight she was holding and proceeded to read the rest of the blog. She read for a few minutes, her face very serious, which in itself was an insult for what was purported to be a humor blog. To add injury she asked, “Do you use any illegal drugs?”
“No,” answered Shopno.
“So you produced all this while you were completely conscious.”
“Yes”
“All those 10 ways of wearing saree, Indian-Spider man, Pregnancy advice, and rest of the, um.. humor, you wrote consciously and willingly?”
"yes"
"And you say you are working lady, but with no work - so you have written all this during your office time - in full consciousness?"
"Yes"
Dr. KS spoke with a surprised look on her face, “I have seen so many people in my career. But, you are the weirdest!”
Shopno sighed in relief. "Weird" is so much better than "Lesbian/pervert". She asked, “All I want to know is, if I will ever be normal”
She said, with a sympathy filled tone, “Mrs. Shopno. Looking at your work so far, I am sorry to say there is no hope for you. You will be weird for the rest of your life.”
Shopno beamed with delight. “Thank you! that’s all I wanted to know. Now I can blog forever.” She walked out a relieved person.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
An Open Letter from a Male Project Manager to Women reportees in IT
This letter was originally intercepted by undercover agents employed by the Pointy Haired IT Manager Committee For The Maintenance Of Status Quo and destroyed before it could be made public. But they left a proverbial copy at the printer. And in this post, I present that to you.
The author of this letter is a long time IT project manager and is said to have been fired from his job for suddenly contracting a Jim-Carrey-in-Liar-Liar-type disease.
Hello IT Leddies,
I must first introduce myself. I have been in IT for 8 years now. Why, you ask?
Reason#1
In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Pay-n-Effort, IT employee comes to a close second position, the first one being occupied by "Idle person with inherited money".
Reason#2
In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Skills Required-n-Career Growth, IT employee gets the first position, even beating "Idle person with inherited money".
That's why!!!
Anyways, but this letter is about something else. This is a Thank-you letter. In gratitude to all of you. As a Project Manager, I owe a large part of my career growth to all of you. One might even say that it came at your cost. I am indebted to you for letting me get away with a very subtle, hard-to-detect and practically ineradicable form of male chauvinism despite working in an industry that pats itself on its back for being more women-friendly than any other industry.
On an average, IT firms in India tend to have between 30-40% women on their rolls. So cumulatively, you are a pretty large group. But if we just take a count of the number of women who are Vice-presidents and above, it’s a ridiculously small number. So even if I was not a visiting professor at the Maximegalion Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious (MISPWOSO), one of you could still look at these figures and say “Hey. C Here. Something is rotten in the state of Java”. But you don’t. He he. And I want to Thank-you for that.
Managing IT projects is hard enough, but not without these “guidelines” to “effectively” manage projects to make my life “easier”. These have been handed down to me by IT managers of previous generations.
The author of this letter is a long time IT project manager and is said to have been fired from his job for suddenly contracting a Jim-Carrey-in-Liar-Liar-type disease.
Hello IT Leddies,
I must first introduce myself. I have been in IT for 8 years now. Why, you ask?
Reason#1
In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Pay-n-Effort, IT employee comes to a close second position, the first one being occupied by "Idle person with inherited money".
Reason#2
In the "inverse-relationship" graph of Skills Required-n-Career Growth, IT employee gets the first position, even beating "Idle person with inherited money".
That's why!!!
Anyways, but this letter is about something else. This is a Thank-you letter. In gratitude to all of you. As a Project Manager, I owe a large part of my career growth to all of you. One might even say that it came at your cost. I am indebted to you for letting me get away with a very subtle, hard-to-detect and practically ineradicable form of male chauvinism despite working in an industry that pats itself on its back for being more women-friendly than any other industry.
On an average, IT firms in India tend to have between 30-40% women on their rolls. So cumulatively, you are a pretty large group. But if we just take a count of the number of women who are Vice-presidents and above, it’s a ridiculously small number. So even if I was not a visiting professor at the Maximegalion Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious (MISPWOSO), one of you could still look at these figures and say “Hey. C Here. Something is rotten in the state of Java”. But you don’t. He he. And I want to Thank-you for that.
Managing IT projects is hard enough, but not without these “guidelines” to “effectively” manage projects to make my life “easier”. These have been handed down to me by IT managers of previous generations.
- If you are a girl, you can be put in testing or quality assurance. Guys will generally decline or threaten to quit if offered these positions. So when you need to find 100 people (by the proverbial EOD) to do testing, QA, DB administration and configuration management (all considered by guys to be dead-end jobs), it is so easy to sweet talk you into “how strategically important this is for you (company)”, herd you in, and start the billing. So thank-you.
- If you are a girl over 25 years old and single, I can coolly consider you a risk from a resource planning perspective because you could get hitched any time, and marriage usually tends to involve one of
- Resignation, because your in-laws don’t like working girls.
- You are likely to decline abroad opportunities because hey, i know since 99.99% chances are that, your husband is not going to quit his job to join you.
- You are likely to become pregnant any time and therefore a potential 3 month billing-loss candidate as far as I am concerned.If your would-be works in another city, chances are, you will demand a transfer, and HR departments in IT companies hate transfers because their promotions and bonuses depend entirely on preventing them.
So I thank you for letting me simplify planning by letting me apply the rule - “Girls over 25 and single, keep them offshore in non-critical positions, preferably in QA, testing, DB/Server admin and configuration management”. My brain works much better when I don’t have to consider too many parameters. And I have you to thank for that.
Promotions are difficult things to handle, but you make that easy for me as well.
- I hardly ever need to worry about offering you “Architect” or "Consultant in implementation" positions, because
- My boys club mates tell me that drawing boxes in powerpoint slides and writing a bunch of lies in concise bullet points is not something girls can do well. Everybody in my peer Project Managers’ group tells me that men are better and more convincing liars and can coolly and calmly justify wrong decisions, something an architect or a consultant needs to do all the time.
- In any case, you need to be about 28 or so before you become an architect, by which time, you are probably married and have kids and cannot make 1-month trips abroad or stay back in office till 1 am in the night, and therefore even if you are perfectly capable of being smart and productive in the 8 hours you work in a day, I don’t need to promote you. I thank you for letting me encourage a culture of “Work more, not work smart”. It’s simpler you know. Promote anybody who sends me emails at 1 am in the night.
- Guys demand and fight for higher performance ratings and promotions like a pack of hyenas over a deer carcass. You generally do not. Therefore it saves me half the trouble. I take most of your promotions and hand them out to guys who couldn’t print “hello world” even with pencil and paper. I thank you for helping me meet my performance curve targets by allowing me to ignore most of you.
- It is sooo easy to do performance appraisals for you girls ya. All I need to do is whip out my standard “You need to involve yourself in more value-adding activities outside of your project work” and give you a lesser rating than I would give the trained male chimps who code in my project. When I was young, I used to get psyched by all your crying and stuff. But with experience I have now learned that crying at performance review meetings is, in fact, a sign that you have accepted what has been conferred. So I thank for you for the clear and precise signal. Men are so tricky, you know. At performance review meetings, it’s hard for me to make out if they are planning to kill puppies post-meeting or strangle my neck, or both.
- Your chances of becoming a project leader entirely hinge on how the men in your group will receive your promotion. If there are male peers in your group, you stand no chance, unless there are an equal number of opportunities. Promoting a girl when an (albeit less qualified) male peer is available could cause the guy to threaten to resign and therefore why risk that, eh? It keeps my HR manager happy when the men in my team are happy with their performance ratings and promotions. I thank you for letting me consider your promotion only when the men in your group are substantially younger to you.
Well. In short, I thank you for enabling the subtlety of this whole thing. Those of you who do grow in your careers, don’t think this is a problem, and the vast majority of you who don’t grow, also don’t have a problem, because you take the whole marriage-first-career-later thing in your stride. Good for you. And for me. He he. So in short, nobody will actually admit that there is a problem. It’s a perfect wedding between the established social system of male-centricity and professional project/career planning convenience, something that is likely to keep a lot of you out of Vice-president posts for years to come.
I am so lucky that none of you come and ask me why I make the resourcing and planning decisions I make. Because, you know, you can put me in a spot. You can refuse dead-end positions if you wish to. IT today has a serious manpower supply problem, and yet, you make it so easy by being all of the above and more. Every IT manager dreams about team members who are complete push overs. And most of you IT girls are like "our dreams come true" for us. You can’t get fired for being troublesome. Hell, you just can’t get fired nowadays. Companies are fighting hard to retain staff, and yet, you girls silently accept what you are given. Such a comfort for me ya.
The top companies in India have unholy profit margins. And you girls help in a big way. I can get away with taking most of your promotions and appraisal ratings and passing a part of them to the men. So the balance? That’s the grin you see on every shareholder’s face.
Thank You.
ps: Thank you very much.
pps: Thank you very very much.
An ode to Book Cricket
Had been toying with the idea of this post for long - atlast could stop the procastination and get started with it...
For some reason, the IPL T20 tournament reminded me of something I used to be passionate about many years ago.
More than a decade ago, a game died, and there was sadly nobody to write a eulogy. This is a humble attempt to remember that great game, its classy origins and the treacherous road to its eventual demise.
The game was called Book Cricket. Those of you who are young (in other words, those of you who spell What as Wat and Anyways as NEwez) may not be aware that such a game existed. But it did, and it held its own against fierce rivals such as Hand Cricket, French Cricket and the rather bowler-friendly One-bounce-out Cricket.
The unique advantage Book Cricket had was its ability to fill up those dreadfully boring periods of time all of us were forced to waste in school classrooms, unlike the other games which required outdoor space and time. The classic version of this game involved a large, voluminous book (hereinafter referred to as The Book) being randomly opened and the last digit of the page number being scrutinized like Dickie Bird pondering over a leg-before decision. 2, 4 and 6 counted as they were, and 8 counted as 1 run. A page number ending in 0 was of course out. Games were nerve wracking with adrenaline fuelled excitement with complex strategic manoeuvres being played out between opponents.
There were the Openers (the ones who opened The Book first) and the Middle-Order (players who preferred opening The Book right down the middle, as if it had magical powers that kept the dreaded zero-ending page numbers away) and the annoying Accumulators (who would fold certain pages that end in a 6 and keep opening that very page till somebody realized that something was rotten in the state of CBSE pass mark). Games lasted 2 innings and the final innings was usually a spine tingling affair, and often some idiot would get over-excited and attract the attention of the teacher who was busy trying to force feed us “4 key factors that resulted in World War 1“.
There were many choices for The Book, but my personal favourite was Wren and Martin. But with increased teacher vigilance, exam pressures and smaller books, the longer version of Book Cricket started to wane in popularity. Time suddenly became money and all that sort of thing, and Book Cricket had to evolve the OMI format - The One Minute International. Each team had 30 openings of The Book, and the highest scorer won. It had little of the finesse of the longer version with careful, well-thought out strategies being thrown to the dogs and unbridled aggression becoming more and more popular. The Book started taking a good amount of wear and tear as the slam-bang version of the game introduced a new brand of Openers, called Pinch-Tearers, who had the nasty habit of unleashing a high pressure separation of pages using their thumbs and index fingers in rapid succession.
But the advent of the computer and the internet dealt another blow to this game. Who wanted to be flipping pages when one could use the special six-hit button on Codemasters’ Brian Lara Cricket? The BCCI (Book Cricketers Council of India) tried desperate measures. They shorted the game even more. 5 page flips per team, and it was even branded as F5. It even encouraged the use of magazines such as Stardust and Filmfare as The Book, so that our players could additionally have the pleasure of staring at Kimi Katkar and Pooja Bedi (yes, they were young and happenning at our times) when they opened a page.
But the final death knell was sounded when companies was invited to advertise in The Book. Players now had to look at advertisements on the pages they opened. Page numbers started carrying subliminal brand messages, like 24 nutrients in Complan, 300 percent purity in Senco Gold etc. The game became secondary, as players spent more and more time discussing the finer aspects of Kimi Katkar’s anatomy and becoming consumerist zombies staring at brand messages all day.
The game then died.
For some reason, the IPL T20 tournament reminded me of something I used to be passionate about many years ago.
More than a decade ago, a game died, and there was sadly nobody to write a eulogy. This is a humble attempt to remember that great game, its classy origins and the treacherous road to its eventual demise.
The game was called Book Cricket. Those of you who are young (in other words, those of you who spell What as Wat and Anyways as NEwez) may not be aware that such a game existed. But it did, and it held its own against fierce rivals such as Hand Cricket, French Cricket and the rather bowler-friendly One-bounce-out Cricket.
The unique advantage Book Cricket had was its ability to fill up those dreadfully boring periods of time all of us were forced to waste in school classrooms, unlike the other games which required outdoor space and time. The classic version of this game involved a large, voluminous book (hereinafter referred to as The Book) being randomly opened and the last digit of the page number being scrutinized like Dickie Bird pondering over a leg-before decision. 2, 4 and 6 counted as they were, and 8 counted as 1 run. A page number ending in 0 was of course out. Games were nerve wracking with adrenaline fuelled excitement with complex strategic manoeuvres being played out between opponents.
There were the Openers (the ones who opened The Book first) and the Middle-Order (players who preferred opening The Book right down the middle, as if it had magical powers that kept the dreaded zero-ending page numbers away) and the annoying Accumulators (who would fold certain pages that end in a 6 and keep opening that very page till somebody realized that something was rotten in the state of CBSE pass mark). Games lasted 2 innings and the final innings was usually a spine tingling affair, and often some idiot would get over-excited and attract the attention of the teacher who was busy trying to force feed us “4 key factors that resulted in World War 1“.
There were many choices for The Book, but my personal favourite was Wren and Martin. But with increased teacher vigilance, exam pressures and smaller books, the longer version of Book Cricket started to wane in popularity. Time suddenly became money and all that sort of thing, and Book Cricket had to evolve the OMI format - The One Minute International. Each team had 30 openings of The Book, and the highest scorer won. It had little of the finesse of the longer version with careful, well-thought out strategies being thrown to the dogs and unbridled aggression becoming more and more popular. The Book started taking a good amount of wear and tear as the slam-bang version of the game introduced a new brand of Openers, called Pinch-Tearers, who had the nasty habit of unleashing a high pressure separation of pages using their thumbs and index fingers in rapid succession.
But the advent of the computer and the internet dealt another blow to this game. Who wanted to be flipping pages when one could use the special six-hit button on Codemasters’ Brian Lara Cricket? The BCCI (Book Cricketers Council of India) tried desperate measures. They shorted the game even more. 5 page flips per team, and it was even branded as F5. It even encouraged the use of magazines such as Stardust and Filmfare as The Book, so that our players could additionally have the pleasure of staring at Kimi Katkar and Pooja Bedi (yes, they were young and happenning at our times) when they opened a page.
But the final death knell was sounded when companies was invited to advertise in The Book. Players now had to look at advertisements on the pages they opened. Page numbers started carrying subliminal brand messages, like 24 nutrients in Complan, 300 percent purity in Senco Gold etc. The game became secondary, as players spent more and more time discussing the finer aspects of Kimi Katkar’s anatomy and becoming consumerist zombies staring at brand messages all day.
The game then died.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
And the war still continues...
Am back after a 5 day hiatus... well had to come back for a topic which is so dear to me.
One thought thats haunting me lately is that how do you define a man? I hate generalization, but then, can there be a general definition of a man, which more or less will include everybody in that "category"?
Here is my humble attempt to define a "man" - the draft created by God before creating "woman" - the masterpiece!
(M)AN alysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for A**h**e)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo(speci)men.
Physical Properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced,
Freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
Melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with any alcohol.
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive(very rare, tho) to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical Properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
c) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
d) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
e) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
f) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
g) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
i) Is allergic towards shopping and dressing up.
Uses:
a) Long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Ah interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
A few myths about men:
a) Its said that men only think about SEX. That's exactly not true. They also care a lot about POWER, WORLD DOMINATION, MONEY, and BEER.
b) Men hate malls and dont really experience it the same way as women. Well, thats not true. At the mall, women get EXCITED, THRILLED, and OVERJOYED by purchasing the perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space at the mall.
c) Every man thinks he is one in a billion. What they forget is that, there are 4,00,000 men just like them!
d) Men have many faults - WRONG - Men only have two - Everything they say, and everything they do.
e) A man cannot cater to a woman's every need. Who said so???!!! A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
f) There are good men around, though rare!
Now, this is what i say, the myth of the century! Why? Well...
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
One thought thats haunting me lately is that how do you define a man? I hate generalization, but then, can there be a general definition of a man, which more or less will include everybody in that "category"?
Here is my humble attempt to define a "man" - the draft created by God before creating "woman" - the masterpiece!
(M)AN alysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for A**h**e)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo(speci)men.
Physical Properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced,
Freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
Melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with any alcohol.
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive(very rare, tho) to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical Properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
c) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
d) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
e) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
f) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
g) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
i) Is allergic towards shopping and dressing up.
Uses:
a) Long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Ah interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
A few myths about men:
a) Its said that men only think about SEX. That's exactly not true. They also care a lot about POWER, WORLD DOMINATION, MONEY, and BEER.
b) Men hate malls and dont really experience it the same way as women. Well, thats not true. At the mall, women get EXCITED, THRILLED, and OVERJOYED by purchasing the perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space at the mall.
c) Every man thinks he is one in a billion. What they forget is that, there are 4,00,000 men just like them!
d) Men have many faults - WRONG - Men only have two - Everything they say, and everything they do.
e) A man cannot cater to a woman's every need. Who said so???!!! A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
f) There are good men around, though rare!
Now, this is what i say, the myth of the century! Why? Well...
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Wisdom Tooth
God created man. Then he created teeth. Then he created dentists and told them, “Go and wreak havoc on Earth. Create imaginary gum diseases. Endorse tar-tasting toothpastes.”
Dentists were happy for some time. Then they all went back to God and said, “Dude we can’t seem to find enough problems. Help us out.”
And then... God created Wisdom teeth.
(This happened when I was in my college, so I may miss out a couple of details here)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dentist began talking even before he saw my x-ray.
Dentist: Your third molar is impacted. We need to extract it.
(For a moment I thought I accidentally walked into a car body shop.)
Me: What?
Dentist: We need to remove your wisdom teeth
Me: Why?
Dentist: I need to go on a cruise
Me: Sorry?!!!
Dentist: I mean, *medical mumbo-jumbo* ... ultimately your wisdom tooth is doing obscene things to the next tooth.
Me: But I don’t feel any pain or anything
Dentist: That’s why we need to remove it immediately (Otherwise it may never cause a problem)
Me: Fine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the surgery I had to pick a form of anesthetic. Local, Local + mild sedation or Local + general anesthetic. I chose the second option and marked it on a paper.
On the day of the extraction, this Chinese doctor walks in. We both were apparently speaking English but either couldnt understand what other was trying to say. It took me five minutes to explain to him what my height and weight are with his asking me “Pardon me, can you repeat that” after every word I said.
Finally, having filled out the paper work he stuck the IV in my arm and started the drip.
He: So you chose general anesthesia, right?
I panicked!!!
Me: No, no! I chose the second option. Mild sedative?
He: Pardon me, can you repeat that?
Me: I said…
I was knocked out cold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up after who knows how long, two teeth lighter. I woke up briefly to confirm the person picking me up was my father and then I don’t remember anything. My father later informed me that I volunteered some juicy information in my stupor. I don’t know what I said, but all I know is I am not going to win another argument in next 15 years with him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there I was. Sitting with half my face swollen like a football. My friend called me and asked me why I didn’t get rid of the other two wisdom teeth at the same time?
Well...I don’t know. My doctor didn’t tell me to. May be the doctor was using my mouth like a little savings account. The remaining two would come in handy when he needed the next cruise.
But thankfully, after that i didnt have to go to that Chinese Dentist ever again in my life. His chamber was somewhere near Bhowanipore. And even today, when I pass by that lane, I have butterfiles the size of dinosaurs in my stomach.
Dentists were happy for some time. Then they all went back to God and said, “Dude we can’t seem to find enough problems. Help us out.”
And then... God created Wisdom teeth.
(This happened when I was in my college, so I may miss out a couple of details here)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dentist began talking even before he saw my x-ray.
Dentist: Your third molar is impacted. We need to extract it.
(For a moment I thought I accidentally walked into a car body shop.)
Me: What?
Dentist: We need to remove your wisdom teeth
Me: Why?
Dentist: I need to go on a cruise
Me: Sorry?!!!
Dentist: I mean, *medical mumbo-jumbo* ... ultimately your wisdom tooth is doing obscene things to the next tooth.
Me: But I don’t feel any pain or anything
Dentist: That’s why we need to remove it immediately (Otherwise it may never cause a problem)
Me: Fine
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the surgery I had to pick a form of anesthetic. Local, Local + mild sedation or Local + general anesthetic. I chose the second option and marked it on a paper.
On the day of the extraction, this Chinese doctor walks in. We both were apparently speaking English but either couldnt understand what other was trying to say. It took me five minutes to explain to him what my height and weight are with his asking me “Pardon me, can you repeat that” after every word I said.
Finally, having filled out the paper work he stuck the IV in my arm and started the drip.
He: So you chose general anesthesia, right?
I panicked!!!
Me: No, no! I chose the second option. Mild sedative?
He: Pardon me, can you repeat that?
Me: I said…
I was knocked out cold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up after who knows how long, two teeth lighter. I woke up briefly to confirm the person picking me up was my father and then I don’t remember anything. My father later informed me that I volunteered some juicy information in my stupor. I don’t know what I said, but all I know is I am not going to win another argument in next 15 years with him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there I was. Sitting with half my face swollen like a football. My friend called me and asked me why I didn’t get rid of the other two wisdom teeth at the same time?
Well...I don’t know. My doctor didn’t tell me to. May be the doctor was using my mouth like a little savings account. The remaining two would come in handy when he needed the next cruise.
But thankfully, after that i didnt have to go to that Chinese Dentist ever again in my life. His chamber was somewhere near Bhowanipore. And even today, when I pass by that lane, I have butterfiles the size of dinosaurs in my stomach.
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