Root Canal... the name itself is scary!

God created man (and woman too). Then he created teeth. Then he created dentists and told them, "Go and wreck havoc on Earth. Create imaginary gum diseases, endorse tar-tasting toothpastes". The dentists obliged. They were happy for some time, then they got greedy. They all went back to God and said, "Dude, we cant seem to find enough problems. People are eating healthy, living a healthy lifestyle and their teeth are in perfect health n shape. Help us out!" Then God created... chocolates...and indulged people into bad eating habits... result?... Tooth decay...followed by... Root Canal treatment.

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Scene I : Nov'2009

The dentist began talking even before he saw my x-ray.

Dentist: Your quadrilateral third molar is impacted. We need to extract it.

It took me sometime to realize that I HAD NOT accidentally walked into a car body shop.

Me: What does it mean?

Dentist: We need to remove one tooth of yours that is "in the process of decaying".

Me: If it hasn't decayed now, then why NOW?

Dentist: Because my wife is nagging for a cruise vacation for a long time now.

Me: Huh???

Dentist: I mean *medical mumbo-jumbo*...followed by more *medical mumbo-jumbo*... followed by Ramsay brothers' movies' scary dialogues...ultimately this "may decay in the next 25 years" tooth is doing obscene things to the next tooth in line.

Me: But, I dont feel any pain or am not uncomfortable at all.

Dentist: Thats why we need to remove this immediately (otherwise it may never cause a problem...and I would never be able to go on a cruise trip)

Me: But why extract?

Dentist: Because then I can charge you for tooth extraction, and further charge you more for tooth replacement. Am sure at 34 you would not want to have 31 teeth in place of 32?

Me: Huh???!!! :-((((((( Well, Mr. Dentist, please tell me if there is any other way to deal with this problem, otherwise let me take a second opinion and I shall come back to you later.

Dentist: (Oh no! If not cruise, I have to take my wife to Puri during the next Durga Puja. In anycase I am having burnt toast every morning for breakfast for the last 9 months!) Ok, what we can do is, we can go in for a Root Canal Treatment. We will not extract the entire tooth, but will fill it in with some un-used cement that I have from building that huge wall around my house to stop people from throwing brickts at me. And then we will cover it up with a crowning that will keep that tooth immortal till the day you die.

Me: Fine. How long will it take?

Dentist: (Calculating in his pocket calculator)...Not more than 5-6 sittings.

Me: Ok, fine.

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Scene II : 27th July'2010

The rest they say is history. That 5-6 sittings ran almost 10 months long. Today I sit with half my face swollen like a football Messi kicked atleast 500 times!. My mouth 1 tooth lighter(technically yes, as Mr. Dentist dug out all my God given tooth and in its place now sits a cement lump) and my pocket, many thousands. The emotional turmoil I went through in the last 10 months is not worth mentioning in blogs...I can write an epic on that and will keep that task for retirement days. My friends ask me, whay am I not doing this root canal treatment for othet "in the process of decaying" teeth as well. Well to answer them... I dont know. My doctor didnt tell me to. May be the doctor is using my mouth like a little savings account. Other teeth will come in handy when his wife demands the next cruise, or a diamond necklace. He didnt give up though. Last night when I ssaid "Good bye Doctor"...all he replied was... no no, no Good bye...you are coming here next week as I need to drill some more teeth to save you from pain 20 years later.

Once beaten, twice shy. Once robbed of a tooth, twice as clever... I jus smiled and said to myslef...I wish your wife all the cruises she ever dreams of...but not at MY EXPENSE!!!

In Distress? U need to de-stress...

Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? 9 out of 10 chances are that it is because of the MAN in your life (kids also, may be, but philosophically they are also because of that MAN). Well, no. I am not planning to stage a war here...all I am trying to advise here is that what needs to be done to de-stess so that you are not in distress...rather here is a guide on what NOT TO DO:

1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath... Wonder if that smell is gas as your husband has volunteered to make the lunch!

2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove, as you hear your husband shout passionaltely over a scored goal in the hall!!!

3. Resume the position. Resume breathing... Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling!

4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.

5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r...E.x.h.a.l.e...t.w.o...t.h.r.e.e...f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels... which remind you of the new, sexy, 20 something secretary that your husband has newly appointed !!! which reminds you of hell... which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else!

6. Switch to ocean waves and return to floor. Wonder how many calories you've burned since you started to relax...wonder how many calories you had put on over dinner last night...wonder how Mrs. Sharma always keeps so fit despite hogging at all social dos... wonder why your husband was all praise for Mrs. Saxena the other day...stop!!!

7. Listen to the primal sounds of the sea. Imagine yourself one with the ocean, gently floating, bobbing, drifting away from your troubles, away from the shore, floating away from.... Oh my God you're drowning, you can't breathe, you hear chimes. Could you be dead? No. A Jehovah's Witness is at the door...wait for your husband to attend that door...he doesnt...you panick...why isnt he openning the door?...you run to the kitchen...he is not thre, food burning inside the oven... you check in the hall...ah there he is...sleeping on the couch with the TV on!!!

8. Take deep breath, attend the man at the door, ignore your snoring husband. Decide what you really need is some herbal tea and aromatherapy. You're all out, so you drive downtown to the nearesr Aroma Therapy Outlet!

9. Relish the shop's soothing ambiance -- crystals everywhere, scented candles and incense, the mellifluous sounds of sitar and flute. Take a slow, deep breath and cherish the knowledge that all is well with the world... Learn you're allergic to patchouli!!!

10. Fill cart with eucalyptus oil, semi-wild ginseng, organic rice cakes, anti-radiation shields, a do-it-yourself-acupuncture kit, and a copy of the best-selling "Bliss Is From Solitude, Stress Is From Men." !!!

11. On your way out, collide with a shopping cart piled high with meditation tapes. Exchange choice words with "mellow" New-Ager...supress your anger with more deep breaths!!!

12. Return home, hunt for matches, light lemon-scented candles, and start a Burt Goldman CD. Brew chamomile tea... Burn tongue with tea!

13. Peruse course catalogue from Holistic Vital Force Renewal and Emerging Spiritual Consciousness Learning and Humanistic Wellness Center...find food is not ready, husband still sleeping, kids crying of hunger...order food over phone...and concentrate on the perusal yet again!

14. Try to decide which course would be most helpful -- Awakening Your True Transformational Self Within Through Toenail Therapy and Micro-Cranial Stimulation? Self-Care, Self-Help, Self-Awareness, Self-Visualization And The Angelic I? Decide to enroll in The Tao Of Conga Drumming On The Far Side Of Ecstasy ... until you see the price!!!... gasp for fresh air...inhale the smoke let out by the burning cigerratte your husband is smoking after his lunch!!!

15. Conclude that what you really need is a mantra. Something like: NoooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooreNewAge... NoooooooooooooooooooooMooooooooooooooooooooooooooreMennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...but you cant do without them, can you?!!!

Planning a vacation with your spouse? Well this might help

Planning a vacation together can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it all and the other prefers unreasonable (!!!) luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what's a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line. This agreement that I have thought of, can help you save your marriage from a ruthless divorce at the end of the vacation.

AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife (or Boy firned and Girl Friend).

(Note: Gay and Lesbian partners may also follow this if their choice pattern is similar to that assumed here)

WHEREAS, Husband's ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn't cost a dime;
WHEREAS, Wife's ideal vacation requires a five star resort;
WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map;
WHEREAS, Wife is a planning freak who makes reservations a year and a half in advance after conducting six months of research; and
WHEREAS, Husband and Wife haven't taken a vacation in years and believe it might be time to compromise.
NOW, THEREFORE, Husband and Wife agree to the following weekend trip provisions:

1. Exactly one month from today, Husband and Wife shall drive to a Resort listed in one of Wife's pocket notebooks. The name of the Resort must be known and heard off amongst Wife's "social networking connections" and the resort have to have a website, tweeter and Facebook account. Accommodations shall be chosen via the "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" method of selection.
2. Wife may, if she so chooses, call for reservations. If none are available, another inn/resort shall be chosen via coin toss, even though Husband would much prefer to wing it.
3. Once a destination has been selected, Husband and Wife shall mark their route on the map. Husband agrees to occasionally follow the map, provided Wife limits bathroom stops to one per hour.
4. Packing for their two day stay shall be directed by Wife, who agrees not to demand for more than one week's supply of clothing. The packing however will be done by the husaband under wife's supervision.
5. Husband shall have the car tuned up prior to their trip and shall fill the gas tank right before leaving. Any breakdowns caused by Husband's forgetting to do same shall entitle Wife to a real vacation.
6. Husband promises that throughout the drive he shall not exceed the speed limit by more than 100 km per hour. Additionally, he shall not brake abruptly unless he sees a deer, and shall refrain from all careening type activity. Wife shall not scream, moan, grunt, or groan, or otherwise engage in back-seat driving, except in the event of excessive lurching. Notwithstanding the foregoing, if she finds herself thrown onto Husband's lap, she may badger him as much as she wants to.
7. Wife shall act as official navigator, and Husband acknowledges that it's possible to turn left when Wife says to, without sacrificing his masculinity. Additionally, Wife may periodically advise husband to be alert for a particular landmark. This shall not be deemed an invitation to accelerate and speed through the next seventeen intersections.
8. Both parties acknowledge that they'll probably get lost. Husband concedes in advance that it isn't Wife's fault even though she's the official navigator. Wife concedes in advance that it isn't Husband's fault, even though he turned right or left only when he felt like it.
9. Husband acknowledges that he can ask a gas station attendant for directions without looking like a weenie. And that it is absolutely ok to ask for directions if you are clueless
10. In the event Husband and Wife manage to reach their destination before the end of the weekend, they agree to resume speaking as soon as they've unpacked.
11. Wife agrees to accompany husband on one hike during the course of the weekend. Said hike shall not exceed two hours and shall be canceled if there is more than a 30% chance of showers. The steepness of the trail shall be subject to further negotiations.
12. In exchange for the hike, Husband agrees to attend an art auction. Wife promises not to purchase or explain any of the paintings, and Husband need not pretend to like them.
13. The trip home shall be conducted in a manner consistent with Paragraphs 6 through 9, except that Husband shall navigate and Wife shall drive, and both shall be authorized to get even.

SIGNATURES: _______________ (HUSBAND) _______________ (WIFE)

My Computer

Anybody who has been unfortunate enough to hear me crib about my laptop in the last 2 weeks would actually relate to this post more. And for others, well my laptop tortured me like hell in the last 2 weeks and am still facing the music. So based on the experience of the last 2 weeks, I have realized that our computers (more if its company provided) are like orphanages and any and every unneeded software, unloved programs, and useless upgrades get adopted by our companies! Just imagine my trauma when all these step-children made my life hell. One upgrade which didnt go the way it was supposed to be...resulted in absolute crisis in my otherwise peaceful life in office. Thank God despite all the raw deals I faced, I could still log into facebook, and or twitter so my social life was not at stake...but even then, almost daily I lost 3-4 hours of productivity that I could have otherwise used producing productive blog posts! I always thought cooking in FB cafe or farming on FB is a waste of time but now I would love to trade off my time I spent running after the most "sought after" IT guys with even real time cooking or farming!

There was this problem...they said format your laptop and that will solve the problem...but I was wrong in believing them, as my problems just started after the formatting was successfully done! and now they say they have to change the "mother board"...well hmm...and now all I am doing is re-installing, re-upgrading and re-formatting all those unneeded softwares, unloved programs, and useless upgrades that caused the problems in the first place!!!