Bollywood in the 70s-80s

I am a big time Hindi movie fan. And I grew up watching the movies of 70s and 80s and I love the way things were so plain and simple in those days... wonder why we even try "realistic cinema" today? By being "real" the directors are depriving us of the fun of that bygone era... here is my tribute to that era.

Problem of a Grandmother:

I am a proud grandmother of a handsome boy who is now living in the city. I want him to come back to our village and fall in love with this girl. But he refuses. How do I get him to come back to the village?


Bolly answers:
 
A simple telegram that says “Grandmother serious. Start immediately.” will do the trick. When he comes back expresses shock upon finding you in the pink of health, let out a hallow guffaw and tell him “I will not die until I play with my great-grand children.” The girl you mentioned will take care of falling in love part, with brass innuendos and slutty songs.

Hero wants to disguise. What should he do?

Bolly answers:

A completely unrecognizable disguise can be worn by simply wearing black sunglasses and a slightly different hairstyle. Not even your mom will be able to recognize you. But be warned! Lowering the glasses on to the nose and looking over them and winking has been proven to let your girlfriend identify you immediately.


Remedy for snake-bites:

Oh my God! A snake bit my girlfriend. What do I do now???

Bolly answers:

Fret not. Snakes can not only inject venom into human bodies, but they can suck the venom out as well, just like sucking juice out of a juice box. The trick is to make a compelling argument to the snake to take the venom back. This can be achieved by climbing up on a hill and singling a melancholy filled song. When you sing the song, the snake has two options to make you stop singing. It can bite you and take you down. Or it can take the venom back from your girlfriend. Stay as far away from your girlfriend as possible, because, then the snake would take the quickest way to put an end to your song and suck the venom back.


Problem of a boy friend:

My girlfriend is in a girls-only hostel. I want to get into the hostel and meet her. How can I do that?

Bolly answers:

One of the original intentions of burqa is to help men get into women’s hostels. Do not worry if you are a 6-footer or have hairy legs and hands showing through the burqa. Nobody will notice it. Strategically placed balloons (sold separately) are known to enhance the effect.


Hero's sister's problem:

I am a pretty girl and a sister to a handsome, hero-like, guy. Astrologically, what birthstone should I be wearing to get married soon?

Bolly answers:
 
It doesn’t matter what birthstone you wear, you will soon be raped. The rapist will refuse to marry you until your brother makes him see the error in his ways, by beating him into a pulp. So the answer to your question is, you will be married soon. So be happy.


Remedy to automobile problems:

My car stopped all of a sudden on a rural road. How do I fix it?

Bolly answers:
 
There is only one solution any kind of car problem. Pour water in the radiator. Grab the empty can from the trunk, which never fails to be present, and walk in a random direction until you chance up on a lake and a pretty girl taking water from it.


Problem of accident-prone heroes:

I just had a serious accident and am unconscious. Will I recover?


Bolly answers:
 
People seldom die from accidents. No matter how you are hurt or what bones are broken, what you immediately need is an operation. The doctor will tell your family exactly how much the operation will cost, which, in most cases, is 1 lakh (100,000) rupees. Don’t worry. Stay peacefully unconscious. You will soon wake up with a bandage to your head and rest of the body unscathed. Please remember that it is good etiquette to ask, “Where am I” upon waking up.


Hygeine and bathing solutions:

I am a pretty and young girl. What is the proper way of taking a shower?


Bolly answers:
 

Even in utmost privacy, you must wrap your torso in a sari or towel while taking a shower and soap only uncovered parts. Dont worry about your hygeine, that will be taken care of.

Childhood problems:

I am a five year old boy and talk like a 16 year old. I want a baby brother or sister. How do I get one?


Bolly answers:
 
I am sorry that you are slow in development. 5 year old boys should be talking like 19 year olds. In any case, you might try an advanced technique to achieve your means. You start by asking your mom and dad to kiss you on either cheek. While their faces are in forward motion, with lips extended like suction cups, you slide your head out of the way. Completely oblivious of this change, your parents will continue the forward motion like two brain-dead zombies, to meet in the middle, causing a kiss to happen. A kiss on the lips is known to spontaneously produce a baby.


But whatever be said and done, I loved Hindi movies of 70s and 80s...they will always remain special to me.

We did it!!!

Very rarely does it feel good to be 35! Though there are so many things that I don't like about being 35, like, grey hair, wrinkled face, and bulging tummy; though being 35 you have to sacrifise large portions of cakes and settle for Kellogs K. Exercise becomes mandatory not to stay FIT but to ensure you don't put on further weight. Trusting someone becomes increasingly difficult. And to make matters worse, you are held RESPONSIBLE for everything at home and office and in between ( I mean when you are driving!)

But for the first time I felt absolutely great to be 35 and not 19-20, because unlike all of you 19-20s, I was THERE. On both the DAYS!

CRICKET has been my passion from the time I can remember. I remember sitting on my father's lap and watching Sunil Gavaskar playin on those B&W TVs that had shutters! I remember Rohan Gavaskar coming on the field and playing a few shots before the day's match would begin. I remember myself declaring firmly that I want to marry Sunil Gavaskar! And I remember that historic day in 1983 when I was jumping with joy seeing my elders jump realizing that we must have achieved something great otherwise my mother would never jump even to save herself from a hungry tiger! In 1983, I was old enough to understand we had done something great. In 2011, I am young enough to live the moment and bask in the glory understanding why what we have done is great!

After the disastrous loss in the semifinal of 1996 World Cup against Srilanka, and after all those allegations of match fixing, I had stopped watching cricket altogether and had distanced myself completely from the game I was so crazy about. I had my own reasons. In the 80s when I was introduced to this game, India in International cricket was the perfect underdog. Indian cricekters were paid a few pounds a day as daily allowance. No one expected them to win anything as big as the World Cup. This was an era where there were no corporate spnsors, no advertisements in between overs, and when news on cricket were only confiend to the sports column of the news papers. Given all that and more, when on a sunny day in the summer of '83, our MEN in white scripted a fairy tale, bringing down the team that carried the fort of cricket for too long, HISTORY was created. June 25'1983 changed India. It changed the way India was being looked at. It changed the way cricket was being looked at in India. But April 2'2011 was different. Unlike in '83, Team India was one of the heavyweights in the International Cricket. With #1 in Test and #2 in ODI rankings they were bookies favorites right from Day1. Things changed from 80s to the present and so did I. For me cricketers were no longer "heroes" whose picture hung on the wall of my room, whose newspaper clippings I would cut and paste on my scrapbook. No I grew up for all of that. I would still follow the Indian cricket team, still want them to succeed, but in a rather impersonal way. I had "emotionally" distanced myself from our MEN in BLUE. I would get excited when India would win, and depressed if they would lose, but only for a moment, after which I would just shrug and say "who cares?"

But not this time. THis time the teenager in me, the cricket-crazy part of me woke up from a deep coma. This World Cup session I was brimming with optimism that India would do justice to its rankings. THis World Cup I had full confidence on Dhoni and his team. This world cup I saw all the matches that India played and didnt just bother about the result at the end. This world cup I was "BLEEDING BLUE".

Right from the quarter final, every win did moisture my eyes. Every good shot was cheered by me, the same way I would cheer 15 years back. Yes, indeed, this time was different. And when off the last ball, Dhoni hit his iconic shot, my emotions were back. The hugs that followed, the cheer that followed, the tears that followed, the phone calls/smses that followed...all these and more said

Yes, this one matters!

It matters because it brought me back to my passion

It matters because it woke up the cricket-crazy me

It matters because it united the 1.2 billions across the world.

It matters because it made us realize we are Indians and not Mumbai Indians!

Yes, this one matters to me as I realized...the seven-year old still lives in me... JAI HIND!

Togetherness...

The two of us have been there all the way,
Sometimes together sometimes away.
Our smiles and laughter, our sorrows and pain
Would never be different ever again!

As kids we had different lives, strangers we were
Then gradually we became best friends forever
Our "forever" was short and we drifted apart
And got busy in separate lives looking for a new start

We both went through ups and downs, separated by fate
We both had fun, and enjoyed our "date"
May be deep down the heart, we missed each other
But were so busy in our lives, we just forgot to bother

Move on, we say, and move on, we do
I did move on, and so did you
But where exactly we moved, is what I wonder
When every moment I felt, that to you Ishould surrender

Did you feel similar? I think you would
I saw it in your eyes, something that you never could
Expression was never your strength, my friend
May be thats why our friendship did end?

We met like old friends meet in re-union
We looked into each others' eyes and just hit it on
Thats when I realized we were never apart
Thats when I figured, there was no new start

Ego did us apart, Love did re-unite
Youth showed greener pastures, Life showed the future bright
Let love rule now, and let the ego go
This time around, lets make the journey slow

Lots to be done, wounds to be healed
Hurts to be mended, Promises to be sealed
So hold the hands tight, and begin the journey with me
Together we were then, together we shall always be...

Woman of your life

She smiles when in pain to relieve you of the angst;
She cries out of joy and happiness,
She is your strength despite being weak herself;
She is the force behind everything you face.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



As mother, she taught you the essence of life;
She fed you her dream and desire,
She stayed awake for nights, so that you could sleep well
She protected you from the harsh, glaring fire,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



Your little sister, grew big and understood your worries;
She fought with the world for your right,
She is filled with pride for every achievement of yours;
No matter what, she'll always be there at your sight.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



Your sweetheart dreams big for you, and reaches out to the stars;
Matching her steps with every step you take,
You get busy to make it big, and she waits patiently;
Letting everything of hers go, for your sake.
She is the woman, the woman of your life...



She comforts you in distress, and soothes you when you're upset;
She provides you with her confidence, when you are low,
She keeps quiet and looks bright, even when she is down;
So that you dont get a nasty blow,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

She led her life as mother, sister, daughter and wife;
And you rewarded her with a Woman's Day, once a year,
But did you ever ask her when was the last time;
She lived like a woman, without any fear,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

Love her everyday, let her know that you're there;
Dont take her for granted for her unconditional love,
Make her feel special every moment, and just not once a year;
Because, you are all that she will ever have,
She is the woman, the woman of your life...

Parents have a right to know!

"Tell me what exactly your job is. Go slowly, I have to write it down."

Declared my mom, on my recent visit to her place last weekend.

I hadn't switched employers or secured a promotion; I've been doing essentially the same work for five years. So why the sudden curiosity? Because my mom recently attended a wedding packed with inquisitive relatives. Relatives who appeared to be more interested in my career than they were in the bride and groom!

"Rontu/Rana/Pinky is doing great. He/she is a COO/PHD/VPP," they proudly declared. "So, how is Munai (my nick name)?. What did you say she does?", asked my mom's aunt's brother-in-law's neice at the wedding!

"Something with the computers," my mom answered at first stammering at every possible word and the gaps as well. "And HR, I think"

"That sounds nice," was a chorus, "but what exactly does she do?"

"Well, I am not too sure, but I know it is very important, she keeps travelling a lot due to her work. So, doesn't Shelly make a lovely bride?", said my mom hoping desperately that her conscious change of topic would go unnoticed.

"How could you not know what your own daughter does for a living?" they prodded, refusing to be distracted by something as inconsequential as the bride's appearance. "What is she -- some kind of spy -- that even her mother doesn't know what she is upto?"

... so, as a result of this conversation at the wedding where I was thankfully missing, I got confronted with the following on my visit to her...

"Everyone thinks you're with the CBI," my mom complained the moment I entered her place. "They kept me so busy with their questions, I almost missed my dessert (now, that is simply not done...how can they keep my 110kg mom away from dessert???). The only way I got to the hot gulab jamuns, was to promise to write and explain precisely what you do. So what do you do?"

For the next one hour I tried to describe my job and my mom grew more and more confused. Do other people have this problem, I wondered. So I decided to ask some friends.
"I just tell my folks I work with numbers," an econometrics expert told me. "It doesn't really satisfy them, but it's the best I can do."

"All my parents know is I work with lab rats," said a scientist friend whose job even I can't begin to describe.

"I do junk bond work," replied a securities attorney. "How would you like to explain that to your parents?"

The solution to this job generation gap came to me as I listened to the tenth description of an indescribable job. From now on, at least once a year, we should take our parents to work with us. After all, there's already an annual Take Our Kids To Work Day. But, shockingly, nobody has protested the exclusion of parents. Such blatant discrimination goes to the very essence of parenting -- parents' inalienable right to brag about their kids. And this I can vouch for. My mom also does a little, I accept, but only a little though. I have seen such brat parents in my lifetime (please excuse my slang for seniors, but I couldn't help it) who would just go on and on about how well their kids performed right from nursery to board meetings! irrespective of whether you lend them your ears or just snore away to glory. But nevertheless, I think, our parents deserve a day at our office, to find out what exactly we do. Its much better for us kids to give them demo rather than spend a futile hour trying to explain what the hell you really do! IBM, the company where i work for, has the concept of "Take Your Parents to Work" day, and very cleverly I had avoided pariticipating in such event every year. But this year I solemnly promise to take my mom so that she can explain, in her own words, to her ever inquisitive clan of relatives, what exactly do I do!

Imagine the educational benefit of parents sitting with their children at the conference table/laboratory/computer room. Witnessing their daughters' demos and their sons' presentations. Watching their offspring interact with bosses, clients, co-workers (both enemies and friends). Gazing as their progeny dodge phone calls, pound keyboards, glare at computer screens, and curse the invention of the fax machine.

There are risks, of course. Dad may cross-examine the boss about health insurance and the company's retirement plan. Mom may whip out a tape measure and compare office footage on her hands and knees. Both will conclude you're smarter than your boss and make sure to let him know it. And you can be sure that one of them will demand to know when you're getting a promotion.


But despite the risks, we owe it to our parents to expose them to our work environments. Besides, a discreetly whispered warning is usually all it takes to get parents to behave. The warning? ... well, here it goes...

"Mom, behave yourself in my office, because if you get me fired, I'll move back home."