Valentine's Day

Like every year, this year I celebrated Valentine's Day just the way I had dreamt of. Ok fine, am not honest with the statement. Actually I spent it (un)happily cooking dinner for some of my husband's side relatives who were expected home for dinner (husband's side relatives make it even more tragic). I know in most part of the world Valentine's day is spent with a lot of love, share and care. Gifts, good meal, romantic evening they are the part and parcel of this day, but not in "my world". So I thought that rather than cribbing about it, why not advise men on what they should plan for Valentine's day so that atleast some women celebrate it better than the way I do.

I would like to hope that for most men, the very mention of Valentine's Day conjures up memories (if at all) of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Why I said "I hope" is because my man never did any of these things. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to a MAN!!!

Its time that most women should know in their Valentine's Day heart of hearts that the best they can realistically expect is convenience store fare -- a roll of adhesive tape, a pink baby shower balloon or, if they're really lucky, a jumbo bag of potato chips accompanied by a chocolate bar.

Nevertheless, females can't help hoping that someday, most preferably in this lifetime, they will indeed enjoy a romantic Valentine's Day interlude. One that doesn't end with the realization that they've been (a) dreaming; (b) watching a movie; or (c) reading a book with M&B on the cover. Atleast I belong to this group. Every year I hope I will have a Valentine's Day to remeber lifetime with all my dreams come true. But alas, my Valentine's day are just like anyother days of the year, but I never give up hoping. Some day...someday...someday...

Okay, so we've established that Valentine's Day is unlikely to involve candles, champagne, violins, soft music at the background, and slow romantic dancing. Still, it doesn't hurt to shoot for at least some of the above. Here's my guide to you men to woo your girlfriend/wife. Will your beloved appreciate your efforts? Of course she will. Females are flexible, understanding, merciful souls. You don't believe me? Then tell me what she's doing with you.

Ok guys, the key to achieving a romantic Valentine's Day ... or at least surviving it without bodily harm ... is to be aware that it is in fact Valentine's day. This is easier than it sounds; During the two weeks that precede February 14th (that's right -- every year Valentine's Day will fall on February 14th -- shocking revealation isn't it?) it will be impossible to go anywhere without tripping over heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and/or attractive women deploying perfume-spewing weaponry. From Radio, to newpaper, from the city malls to local grocery shop, every where the theme will be "Valentine's Day", so its almost impossible for you to miss it, ok?

Should you buy candy or perfume for your significant other? Good choice, but please proceed with caution. For instance, you'll probably want to avoid any chocolate marked half-off post-Christmas sale, especially if it's labeled "dietetic."

As for perfume, by now you should be very familiar with your wife's/girlfriend's taste. Does she go for spicy scents? Delicate florals? Earthy musk with just a hint of day-two boxer briefs? Hint -- don't buy any scent that reminds you of your mother.

Another tip that Valentine's Day is near is the glut of lingerie catalogues cluttering all over. Not to mention the pornographic undergarment ads scattered throughout your daily paper. Red alert: Although it's okay to stash Victoria's Secret catalogues with your Playboy back issues (assuming you don't get caught) lingerie is NOT a suitable Valentine's gift. Except, perhaps, for you.

Okay, V-Day has finally arrived. You've bought gifts for your loved one and hidden them in a safe place. You even remember where you hid them. And you've thoughtfully made dinner reservations at the Taj ... or, at least, the Chinese restaurant down the street. Now, please remember, Valentine's day is once in a year affair, please dont think too much about the expense, for God's sake. Thats such a turn-off. Its ok to go over board once a year. After all it will not cost you the whole of your annual salary, it will not leave you bankrrupt and it will definitely not take away your life times savings.

One more thing to remember. Please dont be late that evening. Dont get tricked into working late, trust me your company will survive if you leave office early on Valewntine's day. Or even worse, please dont lose track of time during one of those gripping debates about whether Sachin or Sourav is the greatest cricketer of the century, or who scored how many goals in a game that took place DECADES ago.

Instead, get yourself home as quickly as possible and into her loving arms. Who knows? After all your hard work, there may even be a payoff.