Tears Only

This boat on which she sailed
for what seemed like a night
turned into any other day
she trembled,she cried,she wailed.

She preferred the dark,
they could see her in the light
she wanted to make a mark
only this boat didn't leave any spark.

She questioned her destiny
left herself on flowing time
she sang for help,she cried for tears
only there weren't any.

My Husband's a genius!

The shower at our house has two settings - scalding hot or freezing cold. After getting burnt, frozen, burnt and frozen in the span of two seconds, I decided to bring this to my efficient husband's notice last Saturday. Two reasons for me being too optimistic about him being the best handyman around to help me out in a situation like this. 1) Wanted to ensure that he "does" something meaninigful in the house other than lazing around. 2) Wanted to find out whether he is even aware of this terrible problem that I am facing for the last so many days!

Surprisingly enough, he seemed to be pretty excited to be able to help me in this matter!!! And this is what happened for the rest of our Saturday...

Here is the chronology of events:

10:00 AM:
Face the problem and rush to my husband and inform him, who was very busily surfing the net.

10:02AM to 10:29AM:
Massive lecture from him on why I did the right thing by informing him and not calling the "callous" handymen around. They are good for nothing, and he is the fittest person fix this problem. Amen!

10:30 AM:
He decides to fix the problem

10:45 AM:
He reads from the “Do It Yourself Home Repair” book that the problem is easily fixed by changing the shower stem.

10:46 AM:
He goes back to his laptop! and hits Google to find out what the hell a shower stem is

10:57 AM:
He groans realizing that the “Do It Yourself Home Repair” and he has disagreement on the definition of “easy.”

11:20 AM: these events are as reported by my husband as I was not there, hence the authenticity of these events is highly suspicible (believe it at your own risk)
At the nearby Supermarket (My husband)

11:40 AM:
Still cruising Supermarket to find faucet stem. Ok, take a deep breath and ask for help (My husband)

11:55 AM:
After the numbnut associate took me on the exact same route I traversed to find the stem, look for somebody who has a clue and ask for help (My husband)

12:30 PM:
Back home with the stem (My husband)

12:40 PM:
He shuts off the water (not only of the bathroom but kitchen and other outlets as well! The lunch is still not ready!!!)

12:41 PM:
Thirsty. He curses loudly remembering that he had just turned off the water. he thinks he deserves a coke anyway. Shouts and commands for a coke, I oblige as I was still optimistic about his efficiency.

12:50 PM:
He takes off the shower knob (WoW!!!). Home repair isn’t that hard after all - I am impressed

12:51 PM:
He realizes that he doesn’t have Pipe wrench to remove the existing stem. Panic. He curses the Supermarket. He curses neighbor’s dog, for no specific reason (when did his curses ever have a reason, anyway?)

12:52 PM:
A victorious smile on his face, am excited. He says, "Oh wait, the new stem came with a stem wrench"

01:00 PM:
OK, he got the stem out. Am impressed. He says, "All I have to do is put the new stem in". Wow! Now all I have to do is call my friends and brag about my husband's efficiency!!!

01:01 PM:
Hold on! He says, "Funny optical illusions. The new stem in my hand looks considerably larger than the opening it needs to go into"

01:02 PM:
Holy crap. It’s the wrong size and dumbo that he is, he doesn't even realise that!

02:00 PM:
He is back from Supermarket armed with right sized stem (one mistake is always forgotten and forgiven! My poor husband, am still optimistic about his efficiency)

02:30 PM:
Stem firmly in place, We are minutes away from a lazy afternoon

02:40 PM:
*&*%%! now he says the knob doesn’t fit. This white threaded thing the knob has to slide onto, is too short. What the hell is this white tube thing called anyway?

02:45 PM:
He looks up his trusted “Do It Yourself Home Repair” and figures out it’s called a nipple. He giggles like a school girl. Come on, grow up, stop giggling and fix the damn problem. (Hold on, am I losing my cool? No way, I am looking forward to a fantastic weekend ahead)

02:46 PM:
He needs to figure out the size of the *giggle,giggle* nipple. (Wonder why the hell is he giggling and blushing? I shall definitely sort this out with him later)

02:50 PM:
Oh he is having fun looking up for “nipple” on google, with such a straight face, all men are &%*@%^*, but will deal with that later.

03:30 PM:
We both go to the Supermarket (Only fools let their husbands commit the same mistake twice and i am no fool). He needs to explain to the lady associate, who jumped in front of him (they never want to help me ever!) asking “May I help you”, what he is looking for in phrases that do not include any human body parts (this is fun!)

03:45 PM:
15 minutes of searching and the only nipples he found were of the red-necks walking around without shirts. With a sudden surge in gray matter activity, he realizes if the nipple doesn’t fit the knob, buy a new knob. Oh my husband's a genius! Am still impressed!

04:00 PM:

Back home. Everything fits! Whoohoo. He declares.
But then, why is the water coming out of the wall though? I ask innocently.

04:01 PM:
Goddamnit, he realises he didn’t tighten the stem enough.

04:10 PM:
Aha! All done now. All's well that ends well. All I have to do now is brag about it, carefully skipping over the part where my husband dropped the wrench on his toe.

And what better way it is to brag about the event than to blog about it so that the whole world gets to know.!!!

We did have a nice and lazy weekend after that. So what if we missed our lunch.

The hidden talents of children

When you receive some management training (like I did), and consequently lose some common sense (did I have any?), you tend to think like a manager (a different kind of a species, altogether) every waking minute. If the sight of anybody not working makes you wince (so what if you as a manager, have nothing for them to work on), imagine the pain it causes to see a resource run around half naked without any task assigned to him. Yes, I am talking about a toddler/preschooler. If you ever had tried to assign tasks to a preschooler, you would have realized that preschoolers’ work-ethic and their view towards work assignments are very unprofessional. How do you deal with a subordinate who takes the task and its materials, shoves them in the toilet and pees on them? Very unprofessional. Now, anybody who knows me, knows how much I love kids. Oh they are such angels. Personally speaking, my daughter had always been very well behaved and highly disciplined child (wonder where she had learned to be that way?) but I have had the privilege of spending my days and nights with some of the notorious kids world has ever witnessed and this blog of mine is dedicated to them. My first brush with one such toddler is my niece, Rimi, who is doing her +2 now. And this blog is particularly dedicated to her. Following her close is my cousin, Rinki, who is in std. VII now. Both these girls have given me experiences, which when I recount even today, I shudder. But before I proceed, Rimi will always be very special to me as she was the first ever kid I came in close association with, and Rinki is a sweetheart. Coming back to the main purpose of this blog, if as an over optimist parent, you still want to make your child work for you, you need to get creative in your assignments and the motivation you provide to ensure their timely delivery. Here are a few tasks I can suggest:

Get her to make the shopping list:

Simply ask your kid, “We have bread and bananas, what do you want to eat?” He will list you all the items that you don’t have in the house.

Get her to take care of weeds:

If you have weeds in your yard and want to get rid of them, show your kid how to water plants using a hose. And tell her that the weeds need constant watering. Give her 3 days to kill the weeds by drowning.

Get her to mash food:

Leave the food you want mashed on the floor. Place a mallet next to it and remove yourself from the view. A few minutes later your food will be mashed along with a few other things in the room. Statutory warning: You may find it a little inconvenient to retrieve your food that is evenly spread across the room.

Get her to find the permanent marker:

If you ever fail to find the permanent marker, put a white shirt on your kid. Leave her in the room and wait for her white shirt to turn black with the marker ink. She has found your marker.

Get rid of annoying co-passengers:

If you are on a flight and the guy in the next seat is trying to act smart with you or making conversation while you are trying to stay quiet, softly tell your kid, “This uncle knows how to tell a male cat from a female cat”. You can even get some sleep while those two sort out the matters.

Get her to point out the right capacitor:

You are often in this situation where you have a bunch of capacitors in your hand but only one fits the circuit perfectly (I am assuming you are hopeless geek). Place the capacitors in front of your child. The one she puts in her mouth and chews is the one you want.

Get her to shred paper:

Just hand any paper to her and tell her that it is a very important paper. It will be in million pieces before you can even say “wait”.

Get her to find condoms:

If you forgot where you kept your condoms, leave your kid in the bedroom. She finds them every time without fail. In fact, he will find them much faster if there is another person in the room, like a friend or a cousin. (Now this one is suggested my a male friend of mine while I was discussing "kids" with him - am more surprised with him than his kid here - wonder what another person like friend or cousin is doing in his bedroom while he is on the look out for a condom??!!!)

This list can go on and on. Like for example, if you need to hang up on a phone call that has gone too long, then just go to the room where your kid is. The rest will be taken care of. And then, if you are looking for all lost pins, needles and coins, they can best be found by these little champs. Am sure, all the parents living day-in-and-out with toddlers can come up with many more items on this list. After all my list is a decade old!

Traffic Guidelines - A must to follow if you are driving on the streets of Kolkata

I don’t remember ever seeing a Traffic Rules book in our country, which includes the best city of the world, Kolkata as well. That might partly explain the traffic in India. Particularly in Kolkata, people seem to be making up their own rules as they go. But I love to drive in this part of the world, no matter how much people crib about traffic in Kolkata. Here is my humble attempt to reverse engineer the traffic rules from what I observed in my city (no matter what, Kolkata is the best):

1. You can drive anywhere on the road. Some people prefer to drive on the left side. Don’t pay any attention to the decorative white line in the middle of the road.

2. When you are completely stuck in a traffic jam and there is absolutely no chance to move even an inch, it is mandatory that you blare your horn.

3. When you use the head-lights, it is absolutely forbidden to use the low beam. Don't bother about drivers coming from the opposite direction.

4. Stopping or slowing down at red lights is appreciated.

5. It is a felony to be caught driving a motorbike without a mobile phone glued to your hand and ear.

6. When you collide with a motorist or pedestrian, it is customary to exchange profanities.

7. Pedestrians and cows have the right of way.

8. When the gate is closed at a railroad crossing, all vehicles that cannot pass under the gate must stop. If you can bend, crawl or roll yourself and your vehicle under the gate, you can continue without stopping.

9. Turning on the hazard lights (both indicators blinking) means you are going straight and not about to turn (I swear this is true)

10. When driving on deserted village roads, look straight ahead not sideways. Please respect the privacy of street side defecators.

I learnt all these and more, only by driving in our city. And yet people crib and complain about Kolkata drivers??!!! Shame on them.

Cheesy Delight!

Getting food on the table is easy for me. I walk into a restaurant, pick up the waiting take-out order and put it on the dining table. Some people prefer a more circuitous method called cooking. I strongly maintain that if all humans are meant to cook, we would have evolved with a spatula for a hand. In any case, I have recently been asked to produce macaroni and cheese by my daughter, not by the normal process of getting it from a restaurant but by the infinitely complex process called cooking.

What happened was, my over-ambitous 8 year old daughter promised mac-n-cheese to her friends over evening snacks one day and I was volunteered to fulfill the said promise! In her words, “Mac and cheese is easy. Boil milk. Pour macaroni. Add cheese and serve.” Simple it is! but for some reason, she insisted on me calling her friend's mother. When I didn't oblige, she called her favourite Reena aunty and got the recipe written. For resons best known to her and her Reena aunty, she actually called me up repeated and the recipe atleast 20 times!

The dish may sound simple but the recipe was not. My theory is that when a process involves heating milk to its boiling point, using hot burners and tongs, it should be classified as a chemical experiment rather than a process to produce something edible. Perhaps I should have started with a simpler dish. But as the old adage goes, all’s well that ends well. My cooking certainly ended well and the kids were well-fed and well-nourished.

When Reena came to my place later in the evening (she is my neighbour, after all), I was ready to accept the profusion of encomiums that were in order for the extraordinary job I performed. But no! No accolades. No words of praise. Not even a small gift of appreciation. (Am sure she was jealous!!!)

All she did was look at the dish in which I produced my magnum opus and raise an eyebrow. I waited for the other eyebrow to follow suit but it didn’t. That was not a good sign.

She: (Suspiciously) Why is there ketchup in mac and cheese?

She was in dire need of enlightenment.
Me: When food has a smoky flavor, you nuke it with ketchup

She: It must have tasted awful!

Me: On the contrary, the kids just loved it. (vigorous head-nodding approval from the kids)

She: (Growing more suspicious) Why did the mac-and-cheese have a smoky flavor?

I continued to enlighten her.
Me: Food assumes a smoky flavor when it is burnt

She: You burned MAC-AND-CHEESE? How could anyone burn Mac and cheese! It’s the simplest thing in the world to make!

I would argue with the choice of the word “simple” but it was not the best time for the dissertation of my chemical experiment theory.
Me: It’s not my fault. It’s my daughter's fault.

She: How so?

Me: See, after I put the macaroni in boiling milk, I needed to wait a few minutes for it to cook. So I told Millie (my daughter) to watch it while I cleaned the broken glass in the kids room (thanks to your wicked son! Ofcourse this I couldnot tell Reena). Apparently in her vocabulary, “cooked” means “general texture of bituminous coal”

She: YOU LEFT A 8 YEAR OLD AT THE STOVE!?

Me: I know, she completely blew it. In retrospect I should have watched the pot while she did the cleaning. But hindsight is 20/20.

She couldn’t speak for a few minutes probably mulling over the cogency of my argument.
She: (Resignedly) So the kids ate that charred glob.

Me: Why would I do that? I extracted all matter of certain color and brittleness and disposed it carefully in the trash. Then I doubled the cheese portion to compensate for the lost macaroni.

She: Let me get this straight, the kids basically ate a ball of cheese with ketchup.

Me: Ah, Reena! You make it sound so unappetizing!!!

Love me

I have been waiting for you.
Almost for a year or two.
Sitting patiently at your door.
On this cold dust swept floor.

Oh please, let me in your empty room,
and sweep away the dark and gloom,
Draw the curtains and fill with light
Where there is an eternal night.

Let me hang my poems by your window
Light your evening lamps, your conch shell blow
Complete your night and day
With magical songs and simple play.

But you go up and down these steps, a daily chore,
You often pass me by, yet ignore
And raise a scornful brow
You pretend, me you do not know.

A small opening is all I need
I have no ego, to you I plead
Throw me a small crumb, attention some
Make me feel wanted, a bit welcome.

Once in a while you sit by me, and try
When I tell you my sad tale wry.
You laugh at me and say - be realistic, life is not a play!
Don't waste your time here, just go away

But I still hope, and I stay.
Let me bind you I pray,
my poor ignorant bird, with my ethereal rhythm
You who want to fly away from freedom.