Traffic Guidelines - A must to follow if you are driving on the streets of Kolkata

I don’t remember ever seeing a Traffic Rules book in our country, which includes the best city of the world, Kolkata as well. That might partly explain the traffic in India. Particularly in Kolkata, people seem to be making up their own rules as they go. But I love to drive in this part of the world, no matter how much people crib about traffic in Kolkata. Here is my humble attempt to reverse engineer the traffic rules from what I observed in my city (no matter what, Kolkata is the best):

1. You can drive anywhere on the road. Some people prefer to drive on the left side. Don’t pay any attention to the decorative white line in the middle of the road.

2. When you are completely stuck in a traffic jam and there is absolutely no chance to move even an inch, it is mandatory that you blare your horn.

3. When you use the head-lights, it is absolutely forbidden to use the low beam. Don't bother about drivers coming from the opposite direction.

4. Stopping or slowing down at red lights is appreciated.

5. It is a felony to be caught driving a motorbike without a mobile phone glued to your hand and ear.

6. When you collide with a motorist or pedestrian, it is customary to exchange profanities.

7. Pedestrians and cows have the right of way.

8. When the gate is closed at a railroad crossing, all vehicles that cannot pass under the gate must stop. If you can bend, crawl or roll yourself and your vehicle under the gate, you can continue without stopping.

9. Turning on the hazard lights (both indicators blinking) means you are going straight and not about to turn (I swear this is true)

10. When driving on deserted village roads, look straight ahead not sideways. Please respect the privacy of street side defecators.

I learnt all these and more, only by driving in our city. And yet people crib and complain about Kolkata drivers??!!! Shame on them.