Will be back shortly...

Hopefully will be back writing blogs shortly but presently have to sort out certain things...life at times throws more things at you than you can share...wish me luck...

Relationships...

This is one of the most complicated aspect of life. And this is something that should have been the most simplest aspect of life. Human psychology is so damn complex. What we want we dont know, and this leads us to utter confusion.

Why am I babbling about this so late at night? When I see around myself, I dont see any couple happy with each other. Yes, I am talking about people I know, and true they are not enough to pass on a verdict for the entire world...but my world comprises of them. Am I really that unfortunate that couples I know, friends I care about... they dont seem to be happy with their partners at all?

Think of any possible disparity and I know someone or the other who is going through it at the moment. A friend of mine, got divorced recently. He wasnt happy when he was with his ex-wife, and he isnt happy now either...Is this love?

A firend of mine, having a lot of problems in her marriage... she thinks its worse than a broken family...they are together for the sake of thier child, but their togetherness is devoid of any meaning. They are not happy together, probably they wont be happy away from each other as well...Is this love?

A couple I know, are together, but keep on straying each other which is an open secret and probably an understanding amongst them. Apparently they are one happy family, but both the husband and the wife are having affairs outside their marriage. Is this love?

A colleague I know of, is having an extra marital affair with a widow and his wife has no clue about it. Is this love?

Another person I know is having a secret affair with her wife's best friend...and the wife doesnt have a clue about it...Is this love?

A long time friends of mine - I know of a couple who were madly in love, got married against all odds and now the guy is having an affair elsewhere. The wife knows but is quiet...Is this love?

Another firend of mine, though claims to be a perfect husband, wants to have an affair with his one-time girl-friend - an "affair" mind you...he doesnt want to marry her or anything - he wants to "sail" on both the boats... Is this love?

One of my acquaintance recently ommitted a suicide... am out of touch with him for long now, but other firends who were close told me that it has to do with his wife. Is this love?

A friend of mine is getting attracted to another guy outside her marriage as the "other" guy reminds her of her ex-boy friend! Ridiculous...Is this love?

And since all these above examples are from my firends circle - one can very well imagine that am talking about couples who have been together for minimum 10 years! Most of them have had love marriages... most of them "chose" to spend their lives with the chosen partner...n now this!

What do we look for, in a relationship? I think we ourselves are not sure what our expectations are - so we really cannot blame the other person for matching upto them. I want to ask all these friends of mine...why are they spoiling their lives like this? If they dont think they are spoiling their lives...then I want to ask them...why are they shattering my faith on "love"...why why why?

Am really heart broken now... I want to meet people who are happy in love...who are good examples of "love" and "relationships". Need some positivity to sustain my belief in "love". As I begin to "end" another day of my life... I pray to God, please show me one "true" love...a love that culminates into perfect bliss every moment...a relationship that has sustained many oddities and is still going strong... a love that is pure and makes two individuals proud of its existance. Let me re-affirm my belief that "love" is the only thing that gets you going...love that is selfless, egoless and makes you strong. Love is like "oxygen" - you just cannot live without it...let us have this oxygen in its purest form, God...

Today, am really hurt broken - result of an internal turmoil for long... need God to intervene and restore my faith. Show me one genuine relationship God...show me soon.

Hot-N-Cold Vienna

At times I crib about our country not being so advanced as in West. But this hot-n-cold treatment in Vienna made me realize that sometimes not having to stay in an advanced country helps - or may be that I am too used to be in a place which has never put me through freezing cold outdoor and burning hot indoor!!!

Vienna in October is cold cold cold!!! 10 days back when I had arrived here, it was freezing 3-4 degrees with rain/snow and a itchy wind. For the last some days, the waether changed completely - now its very nice - may be aroound 9-10 degrees, no rain and the wind has calmed down. This is a rare climate for Vienna in October, localites say... may be God did it for this special daughter of His, who He knows wouldnt have stood that weather for long (love to think it in this way!)...but whether its is 3-4 or 9-10 deg, its still cold. Sho when u are out u have to wear quite some winter accessories to protect yourself, including woolen gloves, mittens and hats. The irritating part comes when from outdoor you are venturing in some indoors - like your apartment of hotel... you have to start stripteasing the moment you are in! And this is no exaggeration. Because indorr it is warm! At times much more warmer than you would prefer. Say for instance, my Apartment...

Its hot hot hot.

Dark room, bright room. Closed windows, open windows. Heater on, heater off. And the last straw was yesterday, when I put the heater off, and a.c on. But my room takes pride in the fact that it is a perennial tandoor.

Shiva's third eye must be openning somewhere very near by.

So what happens is that when am indoor I am in a hot atmosphere -(right now, my a.c is on at 16 deg but somehow the room temperature is showing as 27 deg! I was taking a nice Sunday afternoon nap and when I woke up 10 mins back I found myself in a pool of sweat!!! And now, am planning to go out for a walk and I feel like rebelling this hot-n-cold torture by not putting on any winter garment at all...!!!

Love...

It has been another long day for Rituparna. Long, tiring, and to make it worse a routine day; nothing exceptional, good or bad happened and that what makes it so irritating for her.
"I need a miracle", she thought as she unlocked her apartment and entered in there. "I need a miracle to save me from the boring, uneventful life that am living; and I need it soon, before it is too late." As she kept her stuffs in their "supposed-to-be" places she wondered if those stuffs felt the same boredom that she suffers from. With a sudden impulse she kept the umbrella on the shelf of her bedroom rather than on the Stand in the main entrance. She kept her purse on the centre table rather than in the cupboard and left her laptop bag on the bed itself. Let them enjoy a different state of being today...irrespective of whether it is better or worse...just to have a different "taste" of life. She smiled at her insanity and wished she had the power to change her own course of life the way she is doing for her stuffs!

Rituparna, a successful career woman in her late twenties. A woman who lives life on her own terms and faces its consequences with a smile today feels burdened with her life. Not because her life is not worth living. In fact, many women would love to trade places with her. A successful career, well established, independent woman, living life on her own terms in this faraway land in Europe... earning a decent livelihood as well as respect in the society...who would not want to be in her place? And she realises that. She is grateful for everything life has given her. She realizes the value, all the more because she has earned them all. Some people are born lucky, some people "get" lucky, and she is definitely the latter. So she relishes the achievements of her life. But with all the fights that she fought right from her childhood, today she feels tired. Tired of fighting and getting things - today she wants to "be" lucky and not "get" lucky.

After changing she switches on the TV - her companion at home and starts preparing dinner for herself. Boredom sets in yet again, but she knows she has to "fight" it to prevent herself from starving. She has to cook tonight, whether or not she feels like doing it. She takes out the marinated chicken from the freezer and stars chopping onions... she always liked chopping onions...as then you can cry your heart out without feeling guilty. The "strong" woman tag that she wears all the time prevents her from crying...but the soft girl inside her, wants to cry - this conflict is best resolved when is is cutting onions. As then the girl trapped inside can cry her heart out without the strong woman interfering in there. As she cuts the onions, she cries and tries to console the girl...the innocent girl who feels like rebelling, but is too weak to do so.

Ritu was very popular amongst her friends always. A bubbly girl, always with a friendly smile whose simplicity moved everybody around her. She believed in perfection of human relationships. She believed in Love... a girl in love with love. All her relationships she lived perfectly. Her power of "loving" was immense and divine. She was the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend...in short her "love" was perfect. She was idealistic and wanted an ideal world - where she would be able to heal others' pain and miseries. Many a times she got scolding from her mother for being too liberal in giving all her stuffs/toys away to needy and poor people around. Her father always supported her and she adored him for that. Ritu was a girl who would unconditionally "give" in every human relationship that she lived. And she believed the world is exactly the way she is.

That has been her biggest mistake. She believed "Love" is conceived by everybody exactly the same way as she does. And her idealism truely exists. At every crossroad of life when someone somewhere would break her heart, she would fight with the cruel world and take her idealism forward - no way she could let her belief break because of one or two persons! She always believed in optimism. She would not let anyone break her faith on "love". So all the hearbreaking events, now matter how small or big they were, were kept somewhere deep within her heart. She believed there would be one specialperson who would help her forget all those events and make her realize that her dream of finding "true love" has indeed come true one day.
And it happened when she met Rahul. She knew he was the one...she knew she got her soul mate. She forgot all her past miseries and she knew her life was perfect with her soul mate. They loved each other truely, or so she thought and their life together was a perfect example of love and togeherness...or so she thought. She felt so secured, so protected in Rahul's arms. She knew thats her world, and she was happy and content.

After being together for 3 whole years and enjoying many good moments, their relationship started falling apart - this process of falling part was so gradual and slow that probably both of them didnot realize it till the time the gap widened to such an extent that they realized they just cannot accept that gap and continue living. Ritu did not want to know whose fault it was - and thats not an important issue at all. The most important issue was it was a great loss, and that the damage was done.

Ritu, with all her idealism and principles could not ome in terms with the pain of staying in that broken relationship - so she had to decide to come out of it. It was tough as this time the girl in her just couldnt take it anymore. She started losing faith on "love", on "relationship" on "God" on everything that she always believed in. Taking a job in Europe she fled the situation there but she knew she could never flee from the memories...from the ghost of the past.

As she started preparing the chicken and warming up the cold rice in the freezer...the ghosts of the past started dancing all around her. She tried to fight them but she was too weak to do so... she wanted to run away, but she didnt know where to. She knew she had to fight and win them over but the girl within had no energy left in her to do so... and thats when she hoped and prayed that some miracle would happen...

Who is this Ritu? ANd why am I blogging about her? I dont know Ritu, but I know that we all can relate to Ritu at some point of our life. When we believe in something very strongly and that belief breaks, we understand Ritu's pain. So Ritu is in each one of us... And miracle? Does miracle happen?

Am at such a crossroad of my life where am yet to see whether miracle happens or not, when you desperately want them to happen. As for Ritu... I wish her all the best. May God send His angels to help Ritu out.

Flowers and Chocolates

Flowers and Chocolates... why am I talking about them? Well, thats because they are the most common genre of gifts in love. If you are a girl, you loving getting them; if you are a boy, you love gifting them ( I would like to - and this is probably going on from the time immortal (well chocolates definitely have been added in the upgraded version once chocolates came into existance, but flower am sure is going on for centuries.

So whats the big deal? They are not these rare commodities that you just cannot afford to have them unles some one gifts you in love. But even then, the pleasue of getting a bunch of roses or a box of chocolate from your man is a pleasure of a different genre altogether - figures of speech fail to describe such a pleasure.

Ever since i was sweet sixteen, I dreamt of getting flowers and chocolates from my dream man! Dream man kept changing, but flowers and chocolates were always constant. They were always in my "wish list". Long time back there was an ad on TV of Thums Up featuring Salman Khan as a naval officer surprising his girl friend with a flower bouquet... I think thats when I strated dreaming about flowers... and then there was another ad on TV of Amul Chocolate and one of the version was about love... how idiot box makes us idiot...

My "teenage-ism" is still at its peak, though am more than double the age of sweet sixteen now... i still dream of flowers and chocolates... with my increasing waist line and grey hair (yes I saw my first grey hair a couple of days back) I still dream of getting a flower bouquet from someone special alongwith a box of chocolates... Any one listenning''

Another 7 years and my daughter will be sweet sixteen, and I want to pass pn my dreams to her. May she get flowers and chocolates from the man of her life... I dont know whether she will share her feelings with me then, but I sincerely hope that she does, as I want to re-live those dreams with her... let all my share of flowers and cholocates go to her... I pray and hope that her dreams get fulfilled...

As of my flowers, I still have not given up the hope

Happy Diwali

Today, or rather tonight is Diwali - a festival of light, prosperity, joy and fun gallore. Somehow, ever since was a child, never really enjoyed this festival because of the crackers. Never really liked them, they make too much of sound. So every year during Diwali, I wished I was in a place which was more peaceful... and less of noise around.

My daughter loves to play with crackers and so does her father. Though its always fun to see her smiling face but honestly never really liked those hours of burning crackers...

So this time around, God granted me my wish - today being Diwali am away from those madenning sound of bursting crackers. Am in a place where there is peace every where. Deserted streets, freezing cold and no crackers at all. And my heart can go to any extent to see my daughter burning her crackers. Got a candle but forgot a lighter to lit it... ideally this should have been my best Diwali - exactly the way I wwant it to be... but feel like telling God, that I will never crib about sound... please let me never be away from my family on Diwali ever...

Happy Diwali to all....

Vienna Part - II

Am back in Vienna yet again. Had been here only 3 weeks back and even then this place seems so different. Summer is gone, and Vienna looks desserted. The same roads but devoid of colorful tourists. The same roadside food joints but all chairs withdrawn - so what you are left over with is empty footpath. The wind is chilly, the weather a bitch...and everybody seem so dull and devoid of any pleasure in life - and am no exception.

Well, the irony of fate is that, this time work pressure is much less - but I have no place to go. Because would prefer to be at home in this weather than venture out. Europe in mid-Oct is not a desirable time to be in. As I struggle everyday to commute to and fro office and fight my way against the strong south-westerly wind, I miss my home even more, and to think about it, tomorrow being Diwali - the festival of light - am here in this part of the world freezing to death twice every day. And they say winter has still not properly begun!!! Oh my my!!!

I am not a Princess

I am not a fairy princess, I am not what you call fantastic.
I am not gonna wait for my prince, to come and rescue me from the ol' attic

The fairytale life isnt the life for me, just waiting and waiting for someone special
I am not any Cinderella, and for me there is no glass sandal.

I can chase my own monsters, I can dream my own dreams
May be i dont accomplish them, may be monsters make me scream

My knight in shinning armour, I will find one day for sure
Who loves me, who needs me, who wants me for my heart and soul.
Who makes me realize I am special, who makes me his life's goal

He who tells me I am unique, and isnt scared to SHOW that he loves me
He is the one who makes me a fairy princess, without him FAIRY PRINCESS, I could never be...

Wind Moves On

I could never think like poets, never had those imaginative powers. Could never compare myself with anything other than myself, always thought am unique then how can I say I am like this or like that? But now I want to be like a poet. Now I want to be like this, like that.

Its been precisely 26 days that am in Vienna now. And gone through many ups and downs, have seen many phases of life in this 26 days. Felt different emotions, experienced various new aspects of life. Have been lonely, happy, depressed, frustated, satisfied, escatic, playful, independent, and all sorts of possible (and impossible) permutations and combinations of all these emotions. And as I come out of this phase, all geared up to pack my bags and run towards the airport..."Homeward Bound..."I take some quiet moments out and look back to see what I have earned (apart from the extra bucks, ie) and what I have learned in this phase of mine.

Credits first: Gained immense confidence - yes I think that tops the chart as far as gain is concerned... walking on the roads of Vienna alone, I felt a sense of confidence and a little bit of pride (with all my modesty)... I never thought of myself as a career woman, never really chased it...but here I am, in one of the most beautiful cities of the owrld, all on our own for my office work! Everytime I felt this, I said a silent thank you to God.
A sense of financial security - yes that matters - I felt immensly secured when I shopped in one of the most expensive city of the world, and took a silent pledge that one day i will shop here again, without even looking at the price tags and skippinga heart bit! - I enjoyed immensely spending my hard earned money and even put some cents in donation boxes here!!! yooohooo!!!
Job Satisfaction - Yes, it gave me immense satisfaction taking up this challenge - it was a tough one and I had volunteered for it! - I completed it on time! I know its Him who helped me every time, but still cant ignore the satisfaction that am feeling...yes, I want to roll up my collar and move around with pride :-) of all modesty!!!

Now the debits list... the saddest saddity... but I believe that whatever we think is "not good" for us at the moment is just a bit behind in terms of bringing us the "good" associated with it - its just that we dont see them coming. So, the debits that I think are debits are carrying alongwith them some hidden treasures that I am yet to find out. This thought helps!

I went through a series of loneliness pangs - this helped me realise the pain of lonely people. Loneliness is indeed boring, and no happiness is complete without your loved ones.
Coming back to a lonely hotel room (no matter how luxurious it is) after a hard day's work is highly frustating. And during those hard times, "love" keeps you going. Yes, and that is my biggest loss and I am yet to find out the "hidden treasure" in it.

When you are fighting the whole world alone, all on your own, with all the ups and downs, triumphs and collapses... you need an emotional support... you need your loved one to stand by you, to understand you, and your pain. You need him to tell you that dont worry, am here with you. You need him to understand that if you are acting impossible now its because you are missing your loved ones greatly. You need his patience. ANd he promises you so. He realises what you need and promises you to provide you with that. You feel joy that you thought never even existed! You start feeling emotionally secured yet again... and then...

Then something happens, and you realise all those promises were not meant to be kept. you realise that forget providing you support with his understanding, he is not even sensitive enough to understand your innermost turmoils and he gives you much more that you can really bear...

Thats when I want to be a poet, and write a poetry that expresses what I am going thorugh at the moment. But I cannot...I am all blank now - thought would write a poem, ended up writing nothing... only one sentence keeps coming...Wish I could be WIND as wind moves on...

Awakenning of a Soul

Life, they say, is a school where we come to learn and grow. Over the last couple of years am readig quite a few interesting sutffs that suggest that we are immortal. We keep coming on this earth again and again to learn...learn form our mistakes and experiences in this world and grow richer and richer till we reach a stage where we can easily cross the karmic cycle. And then we reach a higher plane.

Hmmm, interesting thought...whether to believe or not to believe in this can be an interesting subject of debate and discussion. But that concept is interesting no doubt. I have live before and i will live after... Aditi Mitra, nee Sinha will die one day but I will be born again! Just as prior to Aditi Sinha, I have lived as X, or Y, or Z.

Aditi Sinha has a set of likes and dislikes. Aditi Sinha has her own set of opinions. But what if I had been something before that I hate now? Say, for eg, am a staunch Hindu and I hate Muslims... but what if I was a Muslim in my last birth? May be I hated Hindus then? Suppose a white today who follows racial discrimination will be bork as a dark skinned person in his next life... Interesting, isnt it? This concept lets us see a bigger picture...a picture much bigger than our narrow likes and dislikes. I am born and brought up in a particular way and so have my opinions formed - they are opinions of Aditi Sinha...not the soul in me - the soul in me loves all and hates none. Because it is very rich in experience which I am not even aware of. My ego doesnt affect it...it is above all this. It loves all... it has no hatred, no jealousy, no negative feelings at all - its knows these things are immortal. What is mortal and stay forever is Love...and only Love... by love you can conquer all...and by love you can reach Him...He, the superpower - I call him super dude at times, knows and teaches only Love...

All our souls follow similar knowledge pattern though the depth varies. I think of it as a structured syllabus. If you are in Std IV you have a certain depth of knowledge. Once you rise up the ladder your knowledge base increases. Our souls are at different stages of those knowledge base... now this knowledge has nothing to do with the earthly knowledge we acquire - I think this is more about Love, Compassion and all the good things we read about in books... any person close to God can never differentiate between a Muslim and a Hindu, a Maharastrian and a Punjabi, an European and an American. Yes, as an Indian we should love India, but that doesnot mean we should hate or dislike any other country. These boundaries are man-made...when we are born, we are born as a child of the God...in the process we become a child of a Hindu or a Muslim or a Christian God... In Vienna, I saw a crow, and thought how different it is from a crow in India? I could see no difference there - but an European is definitely "different" from an Indian... intelligence of Human beings have many adversities...no wonder, we say, ignorance is bliss.

I know i jump from one topic to another, but hey! thats ok...am not writing an essay here! Its what my heart feels and like me my heart also does not follow rules. So coming back to the original concept - that our soul is the same whether we are born as a Hindu or a Muslim, as a rich or a poor...we have lied it all over the years, and experienced it all... then why as Aditi I have a preference over A to B...I may have been both A and B and may have experienced both? If only we realize this...if only I can realize that if I dont like A because he irritates me, its just a personal opinion of Aditi...the bigger picture is that "I" am much more than Aditi and "I" should realize that A is just a fellow being of mine...he is also learing and growing just the same way as I am... This makes it so easy to overcome anger, hatred, jealousy and all such negativites! yahhhhooo! my soul is indeed awakenning.

So all my dear and "not so dear" fellow students who am not so very fond of... please forgive me for all the harsh words I might have told you and for all the things i might have done to hurt you. That was Aditi you see, she hates you for you have done x,y,z to her and she didnt like it. She is jealous of you for you have a,b,c and she doesnt... but thats her...I realize that i have nothing against you. So what if you have tried to harm me or hurt me...I forgive you. So what if you have cheated on me and taken me for a ride, I forgive you. So what if you have done all the things that you shouldnt have done to me, I forgive you. For, you are also learning in this process as much as I am. And when you have hurmed me and hurt me you didnt meet your soul til then...so I pray, and wish that you meet your soul soon...so that you also realize hurting me is not the "real" purpose of your life...you have a much bigger cause to overcome, so all the best buddy...

Ah! am feeling nice now...positivity helps you see...so as I bid good night to myslef, I wish all those for whom I had negative feelings in me, and very happy life with full of learning experiences... Sweet Dreams!

P.S : My soul needs to sleep and take rest as well, so tomorrow I may come back to hating you from the core of my heart for trying to mess up with me, atleast till the time my soul awakens again. Till then, enjoy my wishes!