Empathy - A rare trait

Many times we come across situations in life which are tough, and we struggle hard to come out of them. Sometimes we do, sometimes we dont, and whether successful or otherwise, such situations and experiences leave us with a heavy heart. Time heals all wounds, or atleast reduces the pain, but probably the scar always remains.

And then we come across other people passing through the same situations, facing the same difficulties, struggling the same way if not more. Do we empathasize with them, then? Do we understand their pain, their miseries then? Do we feel for them, then? Do we go out of our way to help them come out of those miseries with whatever we could do for them, then? Most of the times we dont. And thats kinda strange.

Now, i am not generalizing here. And this is a highly individualistic trait as well, it cannot be generalized. But though the degree with which we emphathize, vary, I have observed, with my little experience of life so far, that most of us lack this trait, though this seems only the most natural thing to do. I mean if you see someone suffering, and can relate to him, then you should do something to ease his pain, if you can, isnt it?

Some of the obvious examples of relating to similar situations of life and acting differently to ensure someone else doesnt go through the same pain you went through in a similar situations are many. Classic examples would be the ever eternal mom-in-law/daughter-in-law conflict.

Every married woman becomes a daughter in law and goes through some unwanted miseries of life and faces some challenges from her mother-in-law. Yet this eternal conflict continues because when the same woman becomes a mom-in-law herself, she ends up repeating the same conflicts with her daughter-in-law. Result?... And the war still goes on.

Only if the present day moms-in-law could emphathize with their daughters-in-law and tried to adjust a bit, this conflict could be put to an end. Now, before you think, i am staging a saas-bahu war zone here, let me tell you, that the opposite is equally true. Only if the present day daughters-in-law could emphathize with their moms-in-law and tried to place themselves in their position. Now tomorrow, they will also become moms-in-law. What kind of behavior would they expect from their son and his wife? If only they could repeat the same behavior that they would expect in the future, in their present with thier present moms-in-law? The conflict could end na? But no, its not going to be. Because most of the times, we fail to emphathize.

When the "Father's Day" happened last week, most of the present day parents (the modern Papas and Mummas) were busy making the day special for their kids in the best way possible. But how many of us remembered our parents, and their contribution in our lives on that day? Or even if we did, how many of us looked back and analysed our rudeness towards our parents after we have grown up, and went back to them and told them, "Baba/Maa, I am sorry for not giving enough time to you lately. I seem to be doing everything from watching T.V., to attending seminars, to enjoying with my "family" (which doesnt seem to include you anymore) but when it comes to meeting you or spending some quality time with you, i just realise how busy i am, what deadlines I have to meet the coming weekend, and so on." - Those of you who did, my hats off to you and I respect you for the same. And those of you who didnt, dont you think, its a great idea? When you celebrated this Father's Day with your kids, I am sure you didnt expect him/her to behave the same way with you 20 years down the line, the way you behave with your parents now? I think its time, we think about this.

This happens everywhere, the work place, amongst friends, in relationships, i mean, you just name it. We have a list of expectations from everybody around us - this is how my parents should be, this is how my boss should be, this is how my colleagues should behave with me, this is what my spouse should do to keep me happy, my son should behave properly in front of strangers and so on. But what about us? Do we ever bother to find out how they would like us to be? what behavior others would prefer from us? Are we even bothered about it? - Again, if you are, then hats off to you, but incase you are not, dont you think its time we concentrate on our behavior with others rather than their behaviour with us?

According to me, problems with relationships (any type of relationships) happen because we expect more that what we can give. This is what i have realised

what you get from others < or = what you give them

Your expectation > what you give them.

So the gap between what you receive and what you expect widens which widens the gap in your relationship. The only place where this equation is not valid is probably the parent-child relationship, but unfortunately, its one way, not the other way round.

Coming back to the main point of empathy, i think its one trait which can change all human equations drastically. In todays complicated world, where every relationship is getting complex day by day, a simple act of empathy, a genuine concern for a fellow human being can make a huge difference in everybody's life, including yours.