A few fears and dilemnas from my closet

I have this weird connection with my brain cells-I think too much. I am constantly thinking about something, even when I am quietest or the loudest I am having this constant conversation with my mind.

For this reason alone I find it difficult to comprehend how some of my friends (especially guys) claim to have those moments of “blankness” when the mind is like a blank canvas. Often when asked the question “So, what are you thinking?” people tend to say “Nothing” (Even I do this all the time). But I think this is a gross understatement of facts.

To me, my brain is the most unaccountable machinery. The data it processes can range from trivial, crude, stumbling meanderings, stupid, naive to the occasional (read, seldom or rarely) creative and inspirational insights. It is a scientifically proven fact that a person’s brain is active all the time, waking and sleeping, producing and shifting between what scientists call “distinct brain wave forms”.

So with such an active brain such as ours it just cannot be possible to have a moment of nothingness.

Thoughts come unbridled always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, driving me crazy and then buried in mud. If nothing else I find myself wondering why?

Sometimes I wish I could stop that “lil’ voice” , sometimes I wish I could have those moments of blankness within myself...I want to experience it.! May be that is what people call having peace?? ……. Hmmmmm, That’s something new to think about now! That's something alien to me. When I started meditating some months back, even during meditation my thoughts would drift and I would see things (may be in my imagination, or whatever) which I dont want to talk about.

The other day while I was trying to sort my CD drawer, I came across an audion CD of my daughter's school, which has collection of pretty old English classics we grew up with! Excited to get hold of the CD, I played it and came across one of my most favorite but long forgotten number, "Que Serra Serra". I grew up hearing this song and it gives a close competition to my most favorite number, "Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. The lyric of Que Serra Serra is wonderful... whatever will be will be; the future s not ours to see... Wow!!!

“FUTURE”… this one word holds so much power over all of us. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives wondered about what future holds for them? Being humans we spend most of our present, worrying and thinking about our future. We always have and will nurture a fear for unknown, and what is a bigger unknown than one’s own future? I remember once having read a talk by C.F. Kettering and thinking how true he was about man’s fascination by future when he said "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”. This of course strikes a chord within me more now as I often catch myself pondering about how my future is going to be. I have tried to stop this of course with rather unsuccessful attempts.

Looking back into my life, I have discovered that at every crossroad of life, at every juncture, I have always worried about my future. Everytime I stumbled taking a decision, I now realise, there was a guardain angel up there somewhere who helped me with the right kind of choice. I worried about me getting the right kind of education, and I did, though there were many sleepless nights spent on deciding the right course for me. The most obvious stream after Xth was Science ofcourse, but there came the first dilemna of my life. I have always been passionate about doing things only that like doing, and I never liked Physics, Chemistry and Biology! When I took the decision of studying Economics, against family and teachers' wishes, I took my first major decision of life, entirely on my own. But was i alone? Now I realise I wasnt alone then - my guardain angel was with me.

Then it was my marriage versus my higher studies and I chose the former. There was confusion and chaos and if I could keep my cool then, it was only because of my guardain angel. He helped me realise that when your parents commit to another family about your marriage, you should stick to it even if you seem to get an option which is more lucrative. I dont know where I would have been now careerwise, if I didnt stick to my decision of marriage then, but I know my darling daughter would not have been today with me, and I thank my guardain angel for that.

The next crossroad was my daughter and career and I chose the former. And my guardain angel ensured that I get the right kind of job at the right point of time. And things just worked out for me. I worried about me getting a job that i like. I would hate to make a compromise where my work is concerned (always wanted to be good at what I do but I do lose track as everyone else...only more often than others), I had always prided myself (may be falsely so at times) at doing what I have wanted to do, so when i was looking for a job i was petrified. Ph. D was an option but I knew I could never do that because I cant imagine doing something so huge without a real passion for it. Amidst all these dilemna things just fell into place perfectly. He ensured only the best for me. So far, so good.

But the fear of unknown still persists. I know I worry unnecessarily but well, who can have a hold on "Mr. Worry" who goes and comes as and when he wants!!! And my biggest all time fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of people who matter to me, whom I love. I feel like being in an emotional roller coaster ride. I know I am emotional, and at times (well ok, most of the times) I carry my emotions too far, rubbing small, inconsequential matters in a relationship which probably hurts my loved one more than myself. The guilt of making my loved one go through the emotional turmoil tears me apart. Somewhere down the lane, I have started to feel sad about my relationship with the guilt of making other's life miserable with my emotional outbursts. Make no mistake here... I love him too much and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I imagine myself 40 years from now I see an old lady with wrinkles running hither-thither but I also him by my side, looking at me in the same way he looks at me now... i know this is no imagination, I know this is true 'cos I feel it in my heart. I know I over-react perhaps but in my heart it just aches more and more daily. It may be my insecurity, or lack of patience, or whatever it is, and I wish I was smart enough to sort these feelings by myself and I wish I could be brave enough to face and fight this alone but i am unable to do so. Whenever I suffer these emotional pangs, I fight with him and make his life miserable though I know in doing so I am hurting him deeply. This is my present dilemna, the present crossroad of my life, I am uncertain, I am confused as ever, but this time I know He is there to guide me and show me the right way. All I have to do is listen to Him, my guardain angel. A voice from within is telling me something. It says, I love him too deeply and too much to do anything which woud make him sad. My guardain angel will take care of everything. So all I can do now is sit back and let the things go the way they are right now. I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to voice my feelings to the one I love the most in this world in the most appropriate way, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt him, its better that I hurt myself than hurt anyone who matters to me !!!!