Wind Moves On

I could never think like poets, never had those imaginative powers. Could never compare myself with anything other than myself, always thought am unique then how can I say I am like this or like that? But now I want to be like a poet. Now I want to be like this, like that.

Its been precisely 26 days that am in Vienna now. And gone through many ups and downs, have seen many phases of life in this 26 days. Felt different emotions, experienced various new aspects of life. Have been lonely, happy, depressed, frustated, satisfied, escatic, playful, independent, and all sorts of possible (and impossible) permutations and combinations of all these emotions. And as I come out of this phase, all geared up to pack my bags and run towards the airport..."Homeward Bound..."I take some quiet moments out and look back to see what I have earned (apart from the extra bucks, ie) and what I have learned in this phase of mine.

Credits first: Gained immense confidence - yes I think that tops the chart as far as gain is concerned... walking on the roads of Vienna alone, I felt a sense of confidence and a little bit of pride (with all my modesty)... I never thought of myself as a career woman, never really chased it...but here I am, in one of the most beautiful cities of the owrld, all on our own for my office work! Everytime I felt this, I said a silent thank you to God.
A sense of financial security - yes that matters - I felt immensly secured when I shopped in one of the most expensive city of the world, and took a silent pledge that one day i will shop here again, without even looking at the price tags and skippinga heart bit! - I enjoyed immensely spending my hard earned money and even put some cents in donation boxes here!!! yooohooo!!!
Job Satisfaction - Yes, it gave me immense satisfaction taking up this challenge - it was a tough one and I had volunteered for it! - I completed it on time! I know its Him who helped me every time, but still cant ignore the satisfaction that am feeling...yes, I want to roll up my collar and move around with pride :-) of all modesty!!!

Now the debits list... the saddest saddity... but I believe that whatever we think is "not good" for us at the moment is just a bit behind in terms of bringing us the "good" associated with it - its just that we dont see them coming. So, the debits that I think are debits are carrying alongwith them some hidden treasures that I am yet to find out. This thought helps!

I went through a series of loneliness pangs - this helped me realise the pain of lonely people. Loneliness is indeed boring, and no happiness is complete without your loved ones.
Coming back to a lonely hotel room (no matter how luxurious it is) after a hard day's work is highly frustating. And during those hard times, "love" keeps you going. Yes, and that is my biggest loss and I am yet to find out the "hidden treasure" in it.

When you are fighting the whole world alone, all on your own, with all the ups and downs, triumphs and collapses... you need an emotional support... you need your loved one to stand by you, to understand you, and your pain. You need him to tell you that dont worry, am here with you. You need him to understand that if you are acting impossible now its because you are missing your loved ones greatly. You need his patience. ANd he promises you so. He realises what you need and promises you to provide you with that. You feel joy that you thought never even existed! You start feeling emotionally secured yet again... and then...

Then something happens, and you realise all those promises were not meant to be kept. you realise that forget providing you support with his understanding, he is not even sensitive enough to understand your innermost turmoils and he gives you much more that you can really bear...

Thats when I want to be a poet, and write a poetry that expresses what I am going thorugh at the moment. But I cannot...I am all blank now - thought would write a poem, ended up writing nothing... only one sentence keeps coming...Wish I could be WIND as wind moves on...